Advice to the Families of Singles
As I sit down to write this missive I ask myself just how vulnerable I will allow myself to be. Just how much of my heart and soul do I want to expose to the great unknown public? And the answer is that I choose to bare and risk it all, because that is the only way to help bring compassion for my equally lonely counterparts around the world.
The Christmas season is often depressing and difficult for many individuals, particularly singles. The time of year that is dedicated to family, love, and friends, often highlights and exacerbates the hollow lack of those exact warmths in one’s life.
To parents and families who have a “single rider” joining them for any reason during the holidays it is often easily mistaken that their single rider isn’t alone, after all they are surrounded by friends and family right there beside your own hearth. How can anyone feel alone when they are surrounded by family? Little do families realize it can be those exact moments, right in the thrill of it all, that ache and hurt the most.
No one understands the simultaneous joy and pain a single feels as they watch beloved nieces and nephews open gifts. The generous little hugs and heart felt affections help take the bitterness out of the pain. But the truth is someone else’s children will never quite feel the void of not having your own little ones to love on. Single siblings are often only contributing to someone else’s family memories, while acutely feeling the pain of not having a family of their own.
Family picture time is often one of the most awkward experiences of all. As couples are paired together and children arranged, it is the single person that is trying not to stick out too much like a sore thumb that hurts, but is likely to laugh the most. The awkward moment when the photographer says, “And where’s your spouse?” right before you get paired with the family dog, is not easy to forget.
Even the bravest and happiest of singles often feel lonely during the holidays. Between the holiday parties where one must decide whether or not to bring a date, or risk getting asked why you didn’t have a date, and the family events where even the most inclusive of families can make a single feel like a fifth wheel, being without a companion at Christmas is never easy.
Remember that just because someone is single that it doesn’t mean they are still a child. Treat all adults with equal respect. Remember that no one wants to be coupled up with the dog. And remember that if someone traveled alone to be with you at the holidays, it means they want to be included and loved, and not treated like a fifth wheel.
Advice to the Singles
We live in a couples-oriented culture. Starting with Thanksgiving, the “plus one” special events begin- Christmas parties, New Year’s Eve, Valentine’s Day, etc. Singles often feel judged, uncomfortable, or like they just don’t fit when alone at holiday social functions (even with their own families), just like they do at weddings.
But singles, don’t despair. Be realistic about the events, what you think you are missing out on, or how others may or may not perceive you. Turn off the cheesy jewelry ads on television and ask yourself when the last time was that anyone you knew had a touching, romantic moment in the living room. For a dose of reality, call a sibling and ask him or her what his or her spouse got them for Christmas last year. We’re bombarded by holiday hype in the media. If we believed everything we see in holiday ads, we would all still believe in Santa Claus.
While it can feel like you are the only one who hasn’t been pulled under a mistletoe, remember that many others are separated, divorced, never-married or widowed. You aren’t the last single living boy in New York. (It just feels like it.)
I won’t pretend that being single at the holidays is less than barely tolerable. Just like I won’t pretend that it is fun to shop for an impossible to find modest formal holiday dress that you will wear only once at an office party you won’t enjoy. But there are ways to enjoy the holidays, even when the holidays are anything but jolly.
- If you are prone to the holiday blues, or make it a point to not do the things that bring you down, and go do the things you enjoy. Traditions aren’t worthwhile if you don’t enjoy them! Cut out the negative and just go do the positive.
- Indulge in favorite things. Buy yourself a gift that no one else will think to give you. Treat yourself to a special take-out meal. Buy a book you’ve been dying to read.
- Remember the Golden Rule- do unto others as you would have done unto you. Don’t expect others to think of you and include you. Go out of your way to include others! Drop a hint that you have no plans. Many people love to open their homes at the holidays.
- Open your home up to others and host your own “alternative family.”
- Volunteer for people in need at a homeless shelter or senior center.
- Babysit on New Year’s Eve. Call up your favorite family and insist on babysitting (for free) for them on New Year’s Eve. Eliminates the need for a date, have a little fun with pizza and rootbeer, and make someone else happy in the process.
- Get a part-time job. There’s no better excuse for missing out on parties you didn’t want to attend than having to work!
- Put yourself out there and try anyway! Don’t let your blues keep you at home too much. Go solo. Find some courage and go out and try anyway! You never know who else you might meet out there.
- Don’t be afraid to be alone. We’re all born single. There is nothing wrong with being single. Don’t be afraid to be alone.
- Lose yourself in a project. Start a scrapbook, paint your bedroom, update your journal or learn a new tune on the piano.
Above all, don’t let loneliness or self-pity get the better of you. Being part of a couple is not the only way to find meaning in the holiday. Having time for yourself is a gift. You can even use it to make resolutions and set goals for the coming year so it is the best one yet for you.
Erin Ann McBride is a writer, dreamer, and blogger. Read about her adventures in dating, writing, and life at The Story of a Nice Mormon Girl. Buy her most recent novels “This Just In“ and “You Heard It Here First” for under $2 on Amazon!