I have served in many roles as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. But none have I loved so much as being a leader to the Young Women. I find that as a single woman I tend to develop a different relationship with the girls than the other leaders. I have a much more casual relationship with the girls than I ever had with the leaders I enjoyed as a youth. This isn’t good or bad, it is just our circumstances (I am related to many of the young women in my ward) and partly my personality.
I find that I set a very specific example to the young women. Being single, “younger,” and “not a mom,” they see me differently than they do their other leaders. Many of my young women are of dating age, and know that I am dating as well. I enjoy our conversations about boys, and love when they make sure I see that a certain young man has said something on Facebook. Knowing that my actions when it comes to going to movies, music, dating, and clothing can be used as justifications by the girls (or in arguments with the girls and their parents, “Erin Ann wears skirts like that!”), I am extra careful to make sure I never do anything I wouldn’t want one of them to do. This includes setting an example when it comes to dating. If there is one thing I have learned from working with the youth, it is that dating in my thirties is not all that different from dating in high school!
When I became a young woman’s leader, I made the specific choice that I would not date non-members. We live in a town where there are not a lot of options for me when it comes to dating. But I felt strongly that of all the examples I could set for the girls, dating might be the most important one.
With that in mind, today I would like to share an open letter to my young women about dating, boys, broken hearts, standards, and all the fun stuff.
My Dear Lovelies,
Sometimes it feels like each week we stand up in church and tell you what you can’t do. We tell you not to dress a certain way, not to use certain words, not to drink, not to smoke, not to, not to, not to. And then the rest of the time we tell you you are something, you are this, you are that, and if you just try harder you will be something else. You are wonderful, you are a Daughter of God, you are loved, and you are destined for great things!! Never forget that! But I also know that sometimes you just want to fit in, be normal, and you want to not be different from your peers. And sometimes you just want a boy to like you. And other times, you just wish we would all see that the boy you like is worth liking. Ladies, I’m here to tell you, I’ve been in your shoes, and in many ways, I still am in your shoes. You are not alone, and I will always be here for you.
I know dating isn’t everything Taylor Swift makes it out to be. (I wonder if she’s even read the end of “Romeo and Juliet.”) Sometimes dating is tons of fun and other times it is absolutely painful. And sometimes you think your parents and youth leaders are completely out of touch. But I’m still single. I’m still dating too. I know what it is like out there, because I’m still out there too. I know how you feel because I know where you’ve been. I know how hard it is to want to be accepted and loved by someone else.
I wish I could tell you the magic formula to always get asked out by the object of your affection. I wish I could tell you how to not feel uncomfortable and awkward around the opposite sex (if one of you figures it out, will you share it with me?). I wish I could tell you that on your sixteenth birthday your crush will have a dozen red roses delivered to your locker. And I wish more than anything that I could tell you you will never have your heart broken.
But I can’t make you any of those promises, no matter how much I wish I could.
I will tell you this. There will be a time or two that a boy who absolutely repulses you, will ask you out. And I am telling you the same thing my mom told me at your age – you should go out with him anyway. She always said it was because boys talk, and boys notice things, and you want to be known as the girl that goes out with boys- even the nerdy ones. But I want you to go out with them, because how would you feel if the tables were turned? What if you got the guts up to ask out a guy you thought was really great? And instead of saying yes, he looked grossed out and screamed no?
So instead, be the gracious, virtuous, princess you are, say yes, and go out with him. Make a real effort to find one thing to like about him. You just might be surprised how much there is to like. You would want your crush to take the time to find out something great about you, wouldn’t you? So do it for him!
There will be a day when you are going to fall for a guy that your parents can’t even pretend to like. When that day happens, come and tell me about him. I promise you that if I take your parents’ side, that you really could do better than that guy. But if I take your side, I promise to help you and your parents get along.
I want to hear all the great stories about how much fun you have on your dates. When you want to plan a fun, big, group date, ask your leaders for help! Young Women Leaders just happen to have a lot of experience when it comes to planning coed activities for groups of teenagers, and we would be thrilled to help you plan your date. I love watching you grow up and become a woman, especially as you pick and choose the kind of boys and men that will make you happy someday. Did you know that every time I meet a new man or go on a date, I ask myself, “Is he the kind of man I would want one of my young women to end up with?” If the answer is no, I don’t go on a second date with him. Setting a good example for you is always one of my top priorities.
I wish I could tell you how to make dating as pain-free as possible. But after twenty years of dating, I’m pretty sure there aren’t really any perfect dating tips, tricks, or secrets that make all the (right) men fall in love with you. It’s true- I’ve been dating for over twenty years now.
I know a few things about dating! I will tell you this much- no girl ever regretted sticking to her morals, and choosing the right. I know it isn’t always easy, and I know how tough it can be to walk away from a situation that promises to be fun. But again, here’s another rule of thumb for you. Which would you rather do- walk away from the situation (just say no), or have to tell me (or your mom or your bishop) the truth about it in the morning? Again, I’ll make you a promise- I won’t do anything I wouldn’t want you to find out about, if you promise not to do anything you wouldn’t want me to find out about.
There will be a day that neither of us will ever want you to experience. You will have your heart broken by someone you thought you loved. Honey, when that day happens, I am here for you. I’ve had my heart broken too many times myself. I know how much it hurts, and how hard it is to face the world alone. I know you’ll want to be angry, you’ll want to change him, you’ll want to change yourself, and you’ll want to cry. I know how confused and hurt you will be which is why I will always be there for you when that day comes, but don’t be surprised when I pull out your Personal Progress Values, and the scriptures, to help you find some answers. But more than anything, don’t be surprised when I just want to hug you and make it all better.
Last, but not least, Girls, trust me, I know how hard it is to find a beautiful, modest, formal gown for dances. I still go to formal dances too, and I still find myself cursing the fashion world as I shop, trying to find a dress that covers my shoulders, chest, back, and knees. Why is it so hard for them to make a pretty modest dress without making it look dumpy? Here’s a good rule of thumb for picking out a formal dress- if it isn’t modest enough to wear to church the next day, it isn’t modest. Or if you are going to be embarrassed if I leave a comment on your Facebook pictures about how much skin you are showing, don’t wear the dress! But I’ll make you a deal that if you ever see me wearing something that shows too much skin, you can let me know too!
I was sixteen once, and it wasn’t all that long ago. I know how you feel, and I know what you are going through. Sometimes I think the only difference between me and you is I have to pay rent, and you have homework to do. I still get butterflies in my stomach when the right guy talks to me. I still get tongue-tied when I try to talk to a new guy. I want to tell everyone I know about how great he is, and want everyone to like him too. And I know the pain of being alone when it feels like everyone else in the world is out on a date. When that night comes, call me, and we’ll go make it a girls night!
I’m not the only youth leader that loves you and wants to help you. Ask any of us for help. And don’t ever underestimate your mother. She was a teenager once too, you know.
I love watching you grow up. Don’t do it too fast, okay?
Love,
Erin Ann
Erin Ann McBride is a writer, dreamer, blogger, and former teenager. Equal parts Mary Poppins, Carrie Bradshaw, and Mother Theresa, she goes where the wind blows, writes about relationships and dating, and is devoted to serving others. You can learn more about her at the Story of a Nice Mormon Girl.
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