To Text or Not to Text

Text Dating

As I sit down to write this I realize I am about to pen a discourse with a “do as I say, not as I do” attitude. I'm just as guilty as the next guy or gal in what I am about to say.

There is a new dating curse out there, and it is called “text dating.” It happens when two people meet, and instead of picking up the phone, or seeing each other often in person, they send each other dozens of texts daily to communicate. The couple just thinks they are getting to know each other. They think they know every little thing the other person is doing and what they are thinking about. But the truth is, they have built a “relationship” on nothing solid, nothing real, and possibly never built anything but an active imagination.

Texting kills relationships.

The plain and simple fact is that texting is killing communication. And communication is the basis for all relationships. Especially if that relationship is a romantic (or potentially romantic) relationship.

You cannot glean context from a text.

You cannot discern real meaning from a text.

You cannot sense true nuance and tone from a text.

You cannot fully describe anything in a 160 character text.

Nobody sounds smart using abbreviations in a text.

Sure, texting is convenient. I admit that as I write this I am in the middle of several texting conversations, a few of which are about whether or not I am a complete hypocrite for writing about this subject. (And yes, I probably am. But at least I own up to that fact!) The plain and simple truth is that a real, honest-to-goodness, deep, lasting relationship cannot be built on texting.

Here's the deal. Women will always read too much into what is said, especially if it is said in a text, email, and/or instant message. Men will hide behind their tiny screens where it is easy to have courage (instead of having to do it in person while they quake in their boots) and say whatever it takes to get what they want. It is a dangerous combination. The only way to ever truly understand what one person is saying to another person is to do it with face-to-face direct communication. You NEED the human element. Do you think you are in love with the person on the other side of the gravatar? How do you picture yourself married to the person? Texting each other from opposite sides of a king-sized bed? (Not what I envision for my future marriage!)

Texting leads to nothing. Nothing real, nothing lasting, nothing sincere.

Rules for Texting and Dating

Let's set a few relationship rules regarding texting, shall we?

1. Never, ever ask a member of the opposite sex out on a date via text. (I'm somewhat lenient and understanding about the possible need to do so via email on occasion, but only in very strict scenarios, such as laryngitis.) All date requests should be done on the phone or in person.

I won't lie to you. I've been asked out via text, and I said yes. It disappointed me immediately, and lowered my expectations and opinions of the man before we even got on the date. Really, men, is that something you want to have happen before you even pick her up?

Texting is so impersonal that it also muddies the waters as to intent. Are you asking for a real date? Or a hang out? Or to join a group? There is no context, understanding, or intent in a text. If you plan to send enough detail in the text as to cover all of those bases, you could (and should) have just picked up the phone and done it quicker and easier.

2. Never, ever have a fight and/or meaningful discussion about your relationship through text messaging. Again, the lack of context, tone, intent, and meaning is detrimental to beneficial and healthy communication.
3. Never, ever read too much into a text, or the timing of a text. Let's be adults about this, okay? You have no idea what is happening on the other end of the line. Is the person in a business meeting? Did s/he leave the phone in the car? Is the phone on mute? Are they in an area with poor cell service? The length of time it takes for a person to respond to a text means nothing (until it means something). If you chose to send an important message by way of the most insincere form of communication possible, you get what you deserve as you wait for a reply.

4. Never, ever declare your love for the other person for the first time through a text. Talk about impersonal, worthless, and cheap. Be a wo/man and do it in person! At the very least, do so on the phone, if you are on a long distance relationship and unable to see the person often enough, in which case you have my sympathy. Good luck with that. (Sidenote: If you have both said “I love you” in person, it is okay to send the occasional, quick “Love you” text, when you are thinking of your significant other during the day. In fact, this behavior is encouraged.)

5. Texting is a good way to reach out and follow up with someone you’ve just met. It is a non-threatening, minimum investment required way to express your interest in the other person. Sure, send a “It was nice meeting you. Thanks for giving me your number. I'll call you soon!” message. Then (and this is the hard part) actually use your phone for a phone call. Remember back in the day when we all had numbers memorized and knew how to use them? Use them!

6. Please, whatever you do, do not be an over-texter! This is a good way to get branded as clingy, crazy, and/or a stalker. This is the best way I know of to get yourself deleted and blocked for life.

7. There is never a good reason to text on a date, especially to another potential date! If someone does this to you while on a date, it is justifiable grounds for getting up, walking away, and never speaking to said person again. Have some class, turn off your phone, and pay attention to your date! I guarantee nothing in that text will be as important as the person you are with, unless someone just died, and in that case, you should flog the person who sent a death announcement via text message.

8. Never, ever make a lewd, sexual, or otherwise uncomely comment in a text message. It will backfire on you sooner or later. Not to mention, it's a stupid and uncomely thing to do. Would you say it in person? Then don’t say it in any other forum.

9. If you don't want to be known as the “booty call” type, don't send text messages late at night.

10. If you must text, please, be an adult about it, and do not use the popular abbreviations teenagers have invented.I can't be the only one out there who is completely turned off by a message from an adult male that says, “TBH ur pretty & can't wait 2 c u again :>” Don’t make me google ‘text shorthand’ to decipher something that takes all of two seconds to say in person.

11. The most pathetic thing anyone can ever do is break up with another person via text message. If you do this, you deserve to be mocked. This is the coward’s way out, people!

12. Never text while under the influence of Ambien or any other sleeping pill. (Oh, the funny messages I have received! We won't talk about the ones I have sent!)

I'd like to back up to Rules #8 and 9. Somewhere along the way in the last few years, since the advent of “online dating” a lot of LDS men (and non-LDS men for that matter) have started thinking it is okay to instigate sexual conversations with women online or via text. The impersonal form of communication gives them courage (hear that women? It is because it is so impersonal that they feel they can do it. And yet, women take the entire thing very personally. “Oh, he's suggesting something very intimate and personal! He must love me!” No, that is not how it works. It is impersonal. If you weren't available at that moment, he would have moved on to the next girl online.)

  Unfortunately this has become so completely commonplace and prevalent in LDS dating that is almost shocking when a man does not attempt such a conversation. More than once I've heard LDS single women wonder if the man is gay because he hasn't made an inappropriate overture to her online or via text. How pathetic that it has come to this! Women allow it to happen all too often because they honestly don't know if and when another guy is going to come along. Since every guy does it, all the other girls out there must be allowing it, right? This type of thinking has got to go. Everyone, men and women, need to stop this behavior, so that it stops being the expected norm!

So if you find yourself in a text dating relationship, how do you get out of it?

Here's a simple tip for putting an end to text relationships. If you have been asked out via text, reply with a simple, “That sounds fun. Why don't you phone me tonight and we'll discuss it.” If the person does not pick up on the polite hint, and replies with something like, “Is that a yes or a no?” Simply respond again with, “Looking forward to your call. I'll be free after 7!” Admit it, you know you will spend the rest of the day giddily looking forward to that call!

I don't think I am alone when I say that I would rather have one ten minute phone call a week than ten texts a day from my love interest. I admit that my best friend and I text each other dozens of times a day. It keeps us in touch. We also have at least one really long (two hours?) conversation a month, but we've been friends now for seventeen years! We're not building a relationship; we know each other inside and out. Texting helps the two of us keep in contact with each other, and for that I am grateful. Last week I was at Girls’ Camp and sent occasional texts to the mothers of my girls. It was great to be able to show the girls little love notes from their moms. It made them all happy to see the notes, and didn't make them homesick or cry like a phone call would have done. I admit that texting can be convenient and useful at times, but when it comes to dating or building a relationship, real human interaction is best. So put down the QWERTY and pick up the numbers!

Erin Ann McBride is a writer, dreamer, and blogger. Read the first chapter in her latest book for free on Google Docs (no login required)! You can buy her new novella, The Agency, on Amazon and Barnes and Noble for just 99 cents! You can find her daily at The Story of a Nice Mormon Girl and at SwingStateVoter.com.

Text Dating

As I sit down to write this I realize I am about to pen a discourse with a “do as I say, not as I do” attitude. I'm just as guilty as the next guy or gal in what I am about to say.

There is a new dating curse out there, and it is called “text dating.” It happens when two people meet, and instead of picking up the phone, or seeing each other often in person, they send each other dozens of texts daily to communicate. The couple just thinks they are getting to know each other. They think they know every little thing the other person is doing and what they are thinking about. But the truth is, they have built a “relationship” on nothing solid, nothing real, and possibly never built anything but an active imagination.

Texting kills relationships.

The plain and simple fact is that texting is killing communication. And communication is the basis for all relationships. Especially if that relationship is a romantic (or potentially romantic) relationship.

You cannot glean context from a text.

You cannot discern real meaning from a text.

You cannot sense true nuance and tone from a text.

You cannot fully describe anything in a 160 character text.

Nobody sounds smart using abbreviations in a text.

Sure, texting is convenient. I admit that as I write this I am in the middle of several texting conversations, a few of which are about whether or not I am a complete hypocrite for writing about this subject. (And yes, I probably am. But at least I own up to that fact!) The plain and simple truth is that a real, honest-to-goodness, deep, lasting relationship cannot be built on texting.

Here's the deal. Women will always read too much into what is said, especially if it is said in a text, email, and/or instant message. Men will hide behind their tiny screens where it is easy to have courage (instead of having to do it in person while they quake in their boots) and say whatever it takes to get what they want. It is a dangerous combination. The only way to ever truly understand what one person is saying to another person is to do it with face-to-face direct communication. You NEED the human element. Do you think you are in love with the person on the other side of the gravatar? How do you picture yourself married to the person? Texting each other from opposite sides of a king-sized bed? (Not what I envision for my future marriage!)

Texting leads to nothing. Nothing real, nothing lasting, nothing sincere.

Rules for Texting and Dating

Let's set a few relationship rules regarding texting, shall we?

1. Never, ever ask a member of the opposite sex out on a date via text. (I'm somewhat lenient and understanding about the possible need to do so via email on occasion, but only in very strict scenarios, such as laryngitis.) All date requests should be done on the phone or in person.

I won't lie to you. I've been asked out via text, and I said yes. It disappointed me immediately, and lowered my expectations and opinions of the man before we even got on the date. Really, men, is that something you want to have happen before you even pick her up?

Texting is so impersonal that it also muddies the waters as to intent. Are you asking for a real date? Or a hang out? Or to join a group? There is no context, understanding, or intent in a text. If you plan to send enough detail in the text as to cover all of those bases, you could (and should) have just picked up the phone and done it quicker and easier.

2. Never, ever have a fight and/or meaningful discussion about your relationship through text messaging. Again, the lack of context, tone, intent, and meaning is detrimental to beneficial and healthy communication.
3. Never, ever read too much into a text, or the timing of a text. Let's be adults about this, okay? You have no idea what is happening on the other end of the line. Is the person in a business meeting? Did s/he leave the phone in the car? Is the phone on mute? Are they in an area with poor cell service? The length of time it takes for a person to respond to a text means nothing (until it means something). If you chose to send an important message by way of the most insincere form of communication possible, you get what you deserve as you wait for a reply.

4. Never, ever declare your love for the other person for the first time through a text. Talk about impersonal, worthless, and cheap. Be a wo/man and do it in person! At the very least, do so on the phone, if you are on a long distance relationship and unable to see the person often enough, in which case you have my sympathy. Good luck with that. (Sidenote: If you have both said “I love you” in person, it is okay to send the occasional, quick “Love you” text, when you are thinking of your significant other during the day. In fact, this behavior is encouraged.)

5. Texting is a good way to reach out and follow up with someone you’ve just met. It is a non-threatening, minimum investment required way to express your interest in the other person. Sure, send a “It was nice meeting you. Thanks for giving me your number. I'll call you soon!” message. Then (and this is the hard part) actually use your phone for a phone call. Remember back in the day when we all had numbers memorized and knew how to use them? Use them!

6. Please, whatever you do, do not be an over-texter! This is a good way to get branded as clingy, crazy, and/or a stalker. This is the best way I know of to get yourself deleted and blocked for life.

7. There is never a good reason to text on a date, especially to another potential date! If someone does this to you while on a date, it is justifiable grounds for getting up, walking away, and never speaking to said person again. Have some class, turn off your phone, and pay attention to your date! I guarantee nothing in that text will be as important as the person you are with, unless someone just died, and in that case, you should flog the person who sent a death announcement via text message.

8. Never, ever make a lewd, sexual, or otherwise uncomely comment in a text message. It will backfire on you sooner or later. Not to mention, it's a stupid and uncomely thing to do. Would you say it in person? Then don’t say it in any other forum.

9. If you don't want to be known as the “booty call” type, don't send text messages late at night.

10. If you must text, please, be an adult about it, and do not use the popular abbreviations teenagers have invented.I can't be the only one out there who is completely turned off by a message from an adult male that says, “TBH ur pretty & can't wait 2 c u again :>” Don’t make me google ‘text shorthand’ to decipher something that takes all of two seconds to say in person.

11. The most pathetic thing anyone can ever do is break up with another person via text message. If you do this, you deserve to be mocked. This is the coward’s way out, people!

12. Never text while under the influence of Ambien or any other sleeping pill. (Oh, the funny messages I have received! We won't talk about the ones I have sent!)

I'd like to back up to Rules #8 and 9. Somewhere along the way in the last few years, since the advent of “online dating” a lot of LDS men (and non-LDS men for that matter) have started thinking it is okay to instigate sexual conversations with women online or via text. The impersonal form of communication gives them courage (hear that women? It is because it is so impersonal that they feel they can do it. And yet, women take the entire thing very personally. “Oh, he's suggesting something very intimate and personal! He must love me!” No, that is not how it works. It is impersonal. If you weren't available at that moment, he would have moved on to the next girl online.)

  Unfortunately this has become so completely commonplace and prevalent in LDS dating that is almost shocking when a man does not attempt such a conversation. More than once I've heard LDS single women wonder if the man is gay because he hasn't made an inappropriate overture to her online or via text. How pathetic that it has come to this! Women allow it to happen all too often because they honestly don't know if and when another guy is going to come along. Since every guy does it, all the other girls out there must be allowing it, right? This type of thinking has got to go. Everyone, men and women, need to stop this behavior, so that it stops being the expected norm!

So if you find yourself in a text dating relationship, how do you get out of it?

Here's a simple tip for putting an end to text relationships. If you have been asked out via text, reply with a simple, “That sounds fun. Why don't you phone me tonight and we'll discuss it.” If the person does not pick up on the polite hint, and replies with something like, “Is that a yes or a no?” Simply respond again with, “Looking forward to your call. I'll be free after 7!” Admit it, you know you will spend the rest of the day giddily looking forward to that call!

I don't think I am alone when I say that I would rather have one ten minute phone call a week than ten texts a day from my love interest. I admit that my best friend and I text each other dozens of times a day. It keeps us in touch. We also have at least one really long (two hours?) conversation a month, but we've been friends now for seventeen years! We're not building a relationship; we know each other inside and out. Texting helps the two of us keep in contact with each other, and for that I am grateful. Last week I was at Girls’ Camp and sent occasional texts to the mothers of my girls. It was great to be able to show the girls little love notes from their moms. It made them all happy to see the notes, and didn't make them homesick or cry like a phone call would have done. I admit that texting can be convenient and useful at times, but when it comes to dating or building a relationship, real human interaction is best. So put down the QWERTY and pick up the numbers!

Erin Ann McBride is a writer, dreamer, and blogger. Read the first chapter in her latest book for free on Google Docs (no login required)! You can buy her new novella, The Agency, on Amazon and Barnes and Noble for just 99 cents! You can find her daily at The Story of a Nice Mormon Girl and at SwingStateVoter.com.

Text Dating

As I sit down to write this I realize I am about to pen a discourse with a “do as I say, not as I do” attitude. I'm just as guilty as the next guy or gal in what I am about to say.

There is a new dating curse out there, and it is called “text dating.” It happens when two people meet, and instead of picking up the phone, or seeing each other often in person, they send each other dozens of texts daily to communicate. The couple just thinks they are getting to know each other. They think they know every little thing the other person is doing and what they are thinking about. But the truth is, they have built a “relationship” on nothing solid, nothing real, and possibly never built anything but an active imagination.

Texting kills relationships.

The plain and simple fact is that texting is killing communication. And communication is the basis for all relationships. Especially if that relationship is a romantic (or potentially romantic) relationship.

You cannot glean context from a text.

You cannot discern real meaning from a text.

You cannot sense true nuance and tone from a text.

You cannot fully describe anything in a 160 character text.

Nobody sounds smart using abbreviations in a text.

Sure, texting is convenient. I admit that as I write this I am in the middle of several texting conversations, a few of which are about whether or not I am a complete hypocrite for writing about this subject. (And yes, I probably am. But at least I own up to that fact!) The plain and simple truth is that a real, honest-to-goodness, deep, lasting relationship cannot be built on texting.

Here's the deal. Women will always read too much into what is said, especially if it is said in a text, email, and/or instant message. Men will hide behind their tiny screens where it is easy to have courage (instead of having to do it in person while they quake in their boots) and say whatever it takes to get what they want. It is a dangerous combination. The only way to ever truly understand what one person is saying to another person is to do it with face-to-face direct communication. You NEED the human element. Do you think you are in love with the person on the other side of the gravatar? How do you picture yourself married to the person? Texting each other from opposite sides of a king-sized bed? (Not what I envision for my future marriage!)

Texting leads to nothing. Nothing real, nothing lasting, nothing sincere.

Rules for Texting and Dating

Let's set a few relationship rules regarding texting, shall we?

1. Never, ever ask a member of the opposite sex out on a date via text. (I'm somewhat lenient and understanding about the possible need to do so via email on occasion, but only in very strict scenarios, such as laryngitis.) All date requests should be done on the phone or in person.

I won't lie to you. I've been asked out via text, and I said yes. It disappointed me immediately, and lowered my expectations and opinions of the man before we even got on the date. Really, men, is that something you want to have happen before you even pick her up?

Texting is so impersonal that it also muddies the waters as to intent. Are you asking for a real date? Or a hang out? Or to join a group? There is no context, understanding, or intent in a text. If you plan to send enough detail in the text as to cover all of those bases, you could (and should) have just picked up the phone and done it quicker and easier.

2. Never, ever have a fight and/or meaningful discussion about your relationship through text messaging. Again, the lack of context, tone, intent, and meaning is detrimental to beneficial and healthy communication.
3. Never, ever read too much into a text, or the timing of a text. Let's be adults about this, okay? You have no idea what is happening on the other end of the line. Is the person in a business meeting? Did s/he leave the phone in the car? Is the phone on mute? Are they in an area with poor cell service? The length of time it takes for a person to respond to a text means nothing (until it means something). If you chose to send an important message by way of the most insincere form of communication possible, you get what you deserve as you wait for a reply.

4. Never, ever declare your love for the other person for the first time through a text. Talk about impersonal, worthless, and cheap. Be a wo/man and do it in person! At the very least, do so on the phone, if you are on a long distance relationship and unable to see the person often enough, in which case you have my sympathy. Good luck with that. (Sidenote: If you have both said “I love you” in person, it is okay to send the occasional, quick “Love you” text, when you are thinking of your significant other during the day. In fact, this behavior is encouraged.)

5. Texting is a good way to reach out and follow up with someone you’ve just met. It is a non-threatening, minimum investment required way to express your interest in the other person. Sure, send a “It was nice meeting you. Thanks for giving me your number. I'll call you soon!” message. Then (and this is the hard part) actually use your phone for a phone call. Remember back in the day when we all had numbers memorized and knew how to use them? Use them!

6. Please, whatever you do, do not be an over-texter! This is a good way to get branded as clingy, crazy, and/or a stalker. This is the best way I know of to get yourself deleted and blocked for life.

7. There is never a good reason to text on a date, especially to another potential date! If someone does this to you while on a date, it is justifiable grounds for getting up, walking away, and never speaking to said person again. Have some class, turn off your phone, and pay attention to your date! I guarantee nothing in that text will be as important as the person you are with, unless someone just died, and in that case, you should flog the person who sent a death announcement via text message.

8. Never, ever make a lewd, sexual, or otherwise uncomely comment in a text message. It will backfire on you sooner or later. Not to mention, it's a stupid and uncomely thing to do. Would you say it in person? Then don’t say it in any other forum.

9. If you don't want to be known as the “booty call” type, don't send text messages late at night.

10. If you must text, please, be an adult about it, and do not use the popular abbreviations teenagers have invented.
    
    Prev - Next >>
    
    

0 Comments