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In my recent ward-hopping, I ended up having the same Relief Society lesson twice. It was the one about taking offense being the first step to apostasy. I recommend to anyone who finds themselves with a thin skin in this regard to become a writer. Nothing helps you toughen up like a little rejection, or a lot.
Being single helps in that regard as well. Having been a serial single, I know of what I speak on this subject. Not everyone is going to like what you write and finding a publisher is rather like finding a husband—lots of “dates” before you find a good match. If you are really a glutton for punishment, you can try being an unemployed single writer in a depressed economy looking for a job, a publisher and a partner. Would that be enough to keep us from taking offense and starting on the path to apostasy? Not always. What is also needed is a strong testimony of the restored gospel and a firm understanding that when people offend, there is no conspiracy involved.
Stake President: I see here that the 3rd Ward has grown and will need to be split.
Bishop: You know, we could avoid that painful process if we could get about thirty-two people in our ward to go inactive. The missionary work in the stake is going well, and I think it could still be a zero-sum game. Win a few, lose a few.
Stake President: Are you suggesting . . .?
Bishop: Brother and Sister Parker. Their work in the last ward you moved them to was spectacular. There is a house for rent within our ward boundaries. They could be moved in by the end of the week.
Stake President: Let's figure out who would make the best targets—fragile newbies, disenchanted lifers, the sick and afflicted, the overworked and under appreciated. If there is anyone just making their way back after having been offended before, another hit from Sister Parker should do the job.
Among the things we need to remember when we are offended is that the offender works alone. Even when it might appear that several people are conspiring together, it is likely because they are being inspired by the wrong spirit. The adversary knows which people are struggling, whose faith is faltering, and sadly, if we are not mindful of our actions, we could be an instrument in the wrong hands, giving offense to someone who is vulnerable and weak, starting them on that path to apostasy.
Can We Truly Choose Not to be Offended?
I understand from the lesson that we are being asked to live yet another higher law: choose not to be offended even when an offense is given. I, for one, have never been very good at this. I was once called to be a den mother. I was at the beginning of a pregnancy and knew it was a matter of weeks before I would become a barf-o-matic. I explained my condition to the counselor in charge and told him I did not see how I could handle a calling like Cub Scouts under the circumstances. (I apologize to the people in the two lessons who have already heard this story.) With this additional information, he decided not to extend the call at that time.
A few days later I got a call from the sister who was over the Scouting Committee. She chewed me up one side and down the other for turning down the calling, telling me how many babies she had given birth to while serving in the scouting program. I would like to be able to say that I hung up the phone, went into my bedroom and knelt in prayer, asking for my angry feelings to subside and praying for the ability to forgive and not let this fester. Instead I remember saying something like the following, “I don't care if she gave birth in front of the entire Wolf Den and had them cut the umbilical cord with a pocket knife and earn a merit badge for tying a double half-hitch in it.”
She snubbed me at church for several weeks, very pointedly greeting all the other members of my family. After I had been hospitalized for a second two-week stint, I understand that she inquired about my health. That is as close as she ever came to giving me an apology. Did I ever let go of this? Does it sound like it? The best I was able to do was to attend her baby shower with a nice gift after I lost my baby. She will never know how hard that was for me. I know there is an admonition to “forgive and forget” but I am a writer, and the “forget” part doesn't work as well for me. (However, I only hold onto these things in case I ever need an example for a column.) I know that she did what many of us do all the time, judge someone else based on our own experience.
I equated what she said with the time during that pregnancy when my young son climbed up on the waterbed to be near me, sending the bed and my stomach into waves.
“Please honey, get off the bed. Mommy doesn't feel good.”
“But I feel fine,” he cheerfully stated.
In a similar childlike way, we often assume that just because we are able to handle something, everyone else should be able to do so equally as well. When we are competent at something, it is difficult for us to understand someone who struggles.
If I was capable of being slow to anger, I might have softened this sister up by commending her support of and dedication to the scouting program. I realize now that strengthening the program was her motivation and not to cause pain to me. If I could have overlooked her delivery, I might have shared with her how much I had enjoyed being a den mother in the past and how I hoped to be able to work in the scouting program while my son was in it, how my mother was the highest ranking scouter in our family.
Perhaps if she had known she was chewing out the daughter of a Silver Beaver, she might have realized my health concerns were more than an excuse to dodge a calling. But I wasn't and she didn't. In the few times I have managed to take the counter-intuitive approach I describe here, I have found that I usually get what I want or need as well. If I had taken a softer approach, she would have become aware of how she had sounded and likely an apology would have been forthcoming. It isn't rocket science. It just requires us to stop thinking about our feelings and think about the feelings of someone else.
Avoid Giving Offense
I shared this example in class because along with living the higher law and not taking offense--because the offense buffet is always open--I think we also need to remember to work on not giving offense. I learned in the last year or so of an offense I had given. At the time, I was blissfully unaware, but when the other side of things was explained to me, I could clearly see how my actions had been seen by someone else and that I had indeed given offense. I apologized, and my apology was accepted. Since then I have tried to be aware of the traits of mine that damaged a relationship that is important to me and have done my best not to be a repeat offender.
I was grateful he had come to me and enlightened me. Our relationship is stronger now. Instead of letting our offenses fester, we should have the courage to mend our broken fences as soon as possible. Instead we spend years chasing the cows around and wondering how they got out.
Serious Offenses
I wish with all my heart that all of the examples of offenses given were as benign as the example in the lesson of Thomas B. Marsh and his wife and the hurt feelings over the milk skimmings. Sometimes there are serious offenses, abuse of some sort, or indifference by some leaders to abuse, that need to be brought to someone's attention. At those times, I would give the same advice that is given to a child reporting abuse, “Keep talking until you find someone who will listen and do something.” If a serious offense comes from a member of the Church or even a leader, do not blame the Church. There are many reasons people act or do not act. Some of them are benign. Some of them are not. We simply don't know. God does. Do what you need to do under the circumstances. Leave the rest of it in His hands the best you can. Why carry the baggage when you can use a Smarte Carte?
Anger blinds us to the best course of action, and lashing out in anger does not usually produce the desire results. I know. I've tried it. Cutting ourselves off from the Church, a place where we find people who care about us, a place where we find eternal truths taught, a place where imperfect people come together to try to learn how to be better, only deprives us of a source of strength, usually at a time when we sorely need that added strength and support.
It is all very simple, when you think about it.
Don't take offense.
Don't give offense.
When you need to, mend the fence.
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