I had thought that the topic of dealing with nonmember relatives who are hostile to the Church was finished, but readers in three countries (one of whom isn’t even a member of the Church) had other ideas. Because their thoughts were different from what we had read before in last week’s column, the column before that, and the letter that started the whole subject, I thought you might want to read what they had to say before we move on to another topic. Here are their letters:

I know you want to finish up this week’s piece about the two disrespectful sons, but I wanted to add one thought after I read through your reader’s thoughts today. The one critical piece that was missing was the thought that perhaps her son’s feelings had some merit! 

Obviously, I am not condoning the way he is speaking to his mother, or even what he is saying to her. But I can’t help but wonder for many families if the unhappiness and anger that come to the surface is because they feel the terrible weight of what we are thinking about them — thoughts like:

You can add your own bullet points, but you get the message.

Several years ago my mother left the Church. She had been a member for 20 years while I was growing up, and even as I child I felt that being a member didn’t make her happy. She was constantly negative and critical about the Church, resisted my involvement, and was often rude to missionaries, home teachers, and others.

I loved the gospel, and her antagonism really hurt me. For years I felt angry and resentful towards her, and our relationship deteriorated to the point that by the time I was in my thirties we had virtually no relationship at all.

One day a dear friend heard me talking about my mom, as I vented all of my unhappiness and disappointments. Very gently she asked me if there was anything I liked about my mom. In the moment I couldn’t think of anything, I began to realize that my mother’s hurt was connected to my disapproval of her. Sure, in my mind she “should” have come to church and loved the gospel like I did, but who made that rule? I could no more enforce that than the Savior could, and he would never even try. So why should I?

I began to work on me, not her. I started to focus on what I liked about her, about her love of the arts, her work ethic, her love for her grandchildren. And I stopped thinking what I wanted her to be and started just loving and appreciating who she was. The results have been dramatic! Over the past several years we have forged a strong, loving bond. She still doesn’t go to church, but she has stopped judging my church attendance and appreciates me unconditionally, just as I do her.

Living under the weight of someone’s disapproval is a terrible thing. As a church, we must stop feeling like those who leave our ranks, for a time or season, have failed. The sealing covenants we make are so much greater than we can even imagine. Love your family unconditionally. Wish them well. Go to their parties (even if they are drinking) and bring your love. Stop judging them (and we are judging them, even when we never say anything) and the miracle will be that they just might stop judging you!

Catherine

Catherine, your letter was inspired. This is advice that can extend to anyone from nonmember relatives to spouses and children and friends who are active members of the Church. It also applies to people we home- and visit-teach.

I have seen first-hand the emotional scarring that takes place when a loved one is “disapproved” by another. I have also seen the blossoming that takes place when that same person is told, “I love you exactly the way you are.”

As long as we are given freedom of choice, we human beings are going to make choices that aren’t “right” in the eyes of others. These can be big decisions, or they can be small ones. (Clark and I were often called stupid by relatives for painting the trim on our house a color other than white, listing our phone number in an unconventional way, or doing other trivial things, and the relationship never recovered.) 

Even for huge decisions, people have the option of making decisions that can break our hearts, and that concept is going to be part of our lives as long as we have that freedom of choice. As much as we love our church, it isn’t for everyone. 

I recall letting my Episcopalian aunt read the draft copies of A Convert’s Guide to Mormon Life, in order to see if it was understandable by people who were not members of the Church. She said that reading the manuscript had given her a whole new respect for our religion, but she realized she could never be a member of our church because, “It’s just too much work. I want to go to church on Sunday and then go home for the rest of the week.” I hope she’ll change her mind in the next life, but it’s her choice to do so — or not to do so. 

All we can do in our missionary efforts is to introduce others to the gospel, so that they can make informed decisions as to whether The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is for them. If it isn’t something they want, it’s our job to respect that decision and to maintain a loving, open relationship with them. Who knows? Maybe one day they’ll change their minds. And if they don’t, at least we can retain the relationship.

Here’s what a nonmember has to say on the subject. I have retained the British spellings, even though his signature says he’s from right here in the good old U.S. of A.:

Let me preface this letter by saying that I am a nonmember in your church, but I have attended multiple sacrament meetings and do pay attention to the Church, at first out of curiosity and later out of academic interest.

Almost all the letters published made the same error, only looking out for reasons of persecution instead of first looking in. Speaking as a nonmember there are a lot of things that Mormons do that are baffling, inconceivable, or seemingly deranged [to outsiders], even long after first glance. In light of this I can understand how someone could view a family member joining the LDS Church as self-destructive and view the Church itself as a troubling influence.

In light of this I'd make the following suggestions to Anonymous:

First, you said that your son became verbally abusive when he got angry with you and then attacked the LDS Church. You should think about how your behaviour has changed since you joined the Church. See if that might explain his anger and then explain to him (but not apologise) why you have changed yourself in this way. If you remove the bone of contention from between you, you will be a lot closer for it.

Second, ask him why he dislikes Mormons and the Church. When he offers his criticism of the Church, explain your (and the Church's) point of view, and explore it with him. If he can understand the Church, and why Mormons act the way they do, he can come to understand you, and once he does that he's made his first step towards accepting the new you.

Third, do not be confrontational. Don't kick him out of the house, don't tell him to keep his criticism to himself around you, don't tell him not to come back until he knows better, and so on. If you do this he'll chalk it up to insidious Mormon influence and not the "real you." You want him to understand that you're still you, but that you're a Mormon now and that he has to accept that. Moreover, don't get drawn into an argument over whether or not the Church is true. That'll only end poorly because no answer he gives will satisfy you, while nothing you say will satisfy him.

Finally, be patient. This may not work for now, and the whole process may take time. Be patient, do your best and hope for the best. Just make sure to keep this between you (don't invite the missionaries or the bishop unless he suggests it) and try to reconnect with him.

Rob from New York

Thanks for an outsider’s perspective, Rob. You advice is sound. The part about the Mormon influence versus the “real” you rang especially true. There is really no way to win an argument. Thank you for the reminder.

Here’s a short reminder from a Canadian reader:

I believe the answer lies in the Savior — to be cloaked in charity, the pure love of Christ. This is a gift that we need to pray for and to be full of. 

When others around us do not treat us with respect and honor is a time that they need an outpouring of love from us. This can be difficult at first, as others hurt our feelings. But as we grow with this gift and develop it within us, we will begin to not take offense and we will be able to reach out to them in love. 

One way is to walk away without comment from abusive behavior. When others are left on their own, they will feel the wrongness of their actions rather than feeling justified when we comment or defend ourselves.

Roxanne from Nova Scotia

Thanks for your note, Roxanne. Here is the second witness of the impossibility of refusing to argue.

Our last letter on the subject comes from Australia, from a reader who has had more than four decades of experience in this area:

I joined the Church some 42 years ago. My four children were baptized as they turned eight years of age. They are now all inactive.

My husband was baptized about 18 months after I was, but has spent most of the following years since inactive. He has now turned against the Church and for the last few years has been very vocal about how he feels. There have been times of great difficulty for me, too, through verbal abuse and many times of being told of how I am deluded and wasting his life and mine by my staying active in the Church.

I can promise you that as you go to your knees in prayer over your concerns and immerse yourself in your scriptures, the arms of the Lord will enfold you and your testimony will become so strong that you will find the strength to go on.

If you have a calling, do the very best you can in it. I am privileged to teach Gospel Doctrine in our little branch, and the companionship of the Holy Spirit that comes from the study that is involved in trying to be a good teacher bears me up. Serving others helps us to forget our own problems for a while and puts a smile on our faces and lifts our hearts.

Partaking of the sacrament each week helps to remember the Savior and His atoning sacrifice for us. He knows and understands all our problems. Believe in Him. Trust in Him. He will never leave you alone when you are trying to follow Him.

Also allow the love that the members have for you to light up your life. My sisters in the gospel are my wonderful friends. I do not have to tell them everything that is troubling me. I just listen to their experiences as we gather in Relief Society and talk. These women have been my angels sent from a caring Heavenly Father. I can learn from them in so many ways.

Sometimes we just have to walk away from the tirade of vocal abuse, find a quiet place and pour out our hearts to the Lord. I have my own quiet place to go to where I can lock the door and spend time in prayer. I have also found that quietly showing love to the other person, although this may be difficult at times. seems to put them on the “backfoot.” Arguing will only bring a bad feeling into your home.

The Spirit will guide you. You are not alone.

Your Sister in Australia

Thank you, Australia, for your words of compassion and wisdom.

Okay, readers, that really is it. Look for a shiny new topic next week.

Until next time — Kathy

“Give love and unconditional acceptance to those you encounter, and notice what happens."

Wayne Dyer