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“Turn Him Over to the Lord”

The youngest of our 5 children, who was adopted at birth, left home on his own at age 16.  He is addicted to meth, homosexual, and is HIV+. He is now 30 years old and it's a miracle he is still alive (and homeless most of the time).

My husband and I tried everything we could - extensive counseling, drug addiction programs (both outpatient and inpatient), wilderness camps, tough love, unconditional love, etc. We exhausted our savings. Our son told us, "Quit trying to fix me, I don't want to be fixed." Many years of roller coaster ups and downs - hope and despair- nearly destroyed me. Finally, in desperation, we had to "turn him over to the Lord" and get on with our lives. The Lord has blessed us, but the heartache remains. I LOVE this kid.

--Name Withheld

P.S.  I have the famous Orson Whitney quote memorized.

Can We Help Rescue Someone Else's Lost Child?

We have three children.  Our two daughters were married in the temple, and both have had a divorce.  One stayed active, and remarried in the temple.  The other, she has very bitter opinions about the church, and has teamed up with another person who has left the fold.  It is very difficult to see her not believe the things she was taught, and trained as a child. We let her know that we love her, and respect her choices.  That has removed most of the tension.  It's all about agency, and we have learned that from the war in heaven.  We have a son who is spiritually active.  Pays his tithing, prays, but rarely attends church.  He feels he just doesn't fit in. We pray for them, and all the other lost and semi lost children out there.  If we can do our part by helping to bring back someone else's child, hopefully someone out there will help us rescue ours back to the fold.

--Theresa in Canada

“Lost” is Not Final

I have trouble with the word "lost".  It sounds so final and without any redemption.  One of our daughters is not active-in fact has lot her membership.  But she still is a wonderful woman with a testimony of the gospel.  Another one attends church only when we are with her.  But she does have a testimony and is teaching her family wonderful values. How great it is that we have the knowledge and the faith that "lost" is not final---there is always a hope.  There is always a faith that they will be "found".

--Name Withheld

“All Who Wander are Not Lost”

While all of my children are presently inactive, I see great growth in their lives and know that our Father in Heaven can lead them along until they find their way home.  I love the phrase:  “All who wander are not lost.”  My choice right now is to recognize and acknowledge every good thing that they are and do, to love them purely, and to exercise faith in their behalf.

--Still waiting for the miracles

Wish I Had the Wisdom of Others

We had five children all born and raised in the church, under the covenant. None of them are active in the church. Our oldest daughter has two daughters (now teens) one who is very active and one that is so-so. The very active is waiting for a missionary to return. My wife was a convert and I was a reactivated member. I attribute much of our failure to never having an example of our own in how to successfully raise children to be active. As a grandfather (now) I see by watching others how they are raising their children and wish I had had their wisdom. I also hear others in my High Priest's group expounding upon this same message. Thank you. I am not sure how you will use this but sometimes it is therapeutic just to lament upon these non-accomplishments.

--Bill and Mary Fearn

How Would I Want People to Treat Me if I Was the Wayward One?

I cringe at the word "astray" because it makes them seem lost in a dark place....the truth is my child that is not currently attending church but she knows the church is true and loves the Lord....She chooses to not embrace it by attending regular services.

One thought: If the roles were reversed and I was the wayward one- how would I want to be treated? Better yet, if I belonged to another faith (OR no faith at all)- how would I want my neighbors and friends to treat me? Sometimes I think we stand on our soap boxes preaching we have all the answers when really all we need to be is a friend and an example- they will see from that and if interested they will seek.

Yesterday, I had a non- LDS neighbor talk to me about Big Love. She told me she had several of her clients up in arms over HBO showing sacred things....curious, she watched it Monday night. She said it was moving and emotional and tenderly expressed ..... She said in no way was it offensive but she felt the spirit touch her heart as she saw and felt the true meaning of what we do and why in the temple. Huh!? Maybe next time instead of loudly voicing our objections we should quietly pray for it to be a positive experience and sit back and watch the miracle. The Lord works miracles. Sometimes we are an instrument and sometimes we need to sit back and watch.

--Kathy Pranger 

We Do As Much As We Can to Stay Connected

My husband and I reared three daughters and two sons. The boys are both Eagle Scouts and served missions; the girls married returned missionaries and they and their families are very much involved in gospel living. One of our sons is the first counselor to our stake president and is almost legendary in his reputation of an effective leader, especially with the youth of the stake. His younger brother is married to a wife who loves the family involvement but does not recognize the need to have a religious faith and is not a member of any church. Because she has significant health problems, they do not have any children but are well connected to their nieces and nephews. She is usually the one who reminds us that someone is about to have a birthday and we need to plan a family celebration. Our son may have left the church, but the gospel has not completely left him, even though he has asked not to have any contact from the church. He is partner in a firm owned by our bishop and which employs several other church members so there is much contact with church folks.

We pray for them regularly and are grateful for the close family connection. I have a copy of his patriarchal blessing and periodically read it and recognize that he is missing things that would be for his and his wife's benefit. But I also recognize that in marrying this particular wife, he has blessed her in ways that we can see even if she doesn't share that vision: I think her health problems would have made it difficult if not unlikely that she would have found a companion who is as supportive of her as our son is. And she has returned the favor by helping him grow personally in ways that didn't seem likely when he was younger. To us, it's a win-win situation, so we try to be as supportive as we can in our devotion to her as in laws and as cherished members of our family. We truly believe that if we do as much as we can to stay connected, we can rely on the Savior to support our efforts, so we don't worry about the future.

--Gail Wasden

The Biggest Answer to All: Christ

At the start of high school, our honors student daughter did not want to go to Seminary, and she began to stray from her worthy member and non-member friends because she thought them "uncool."  She begged me to buy her a mini-skirt, and she began to wear makeup and straighten her hair for hours on end in front of a mirror.  Her grades plummeted from A's to D-'s, and I began to find notes to friends talking about giving boys lap dances, plus I thought I might have smelled weed in her backpack.  She told me that one of the boys at church had asked her for sex, but she had refused him, of course.  Also, older high school boys who had failed math several times appeared in her 9th grade math class.  These boys had cars and were asking to give her rides home from school and to meet up with her during football games.  She pleaded with me to let her go "partying" with these "friends."  At the same time, church girls were telling their mothers that my daughter was "running" with a wild crowd.  All of this running toward evil began to scare me.

My fear led me to manipulate my daughter into agreeing to transfer to an independent study program.  She had become so hyper and so constantly involved with friends through phoning, texting, and email.  I thought a removal from her highly populated high school (over 4,000 students) would bring about better concentration on schoolwork and separate her from these new friends with lower standards.  I had prayed and fasted, and tried not to make the decision too quickly, but I fooled myself into believing my plan was the Lord's plan.  

The day I took her out of high school proved to be a very long day filled with signing her out of every classroom and every office in the school.  As we met with the dean, our second to the last stop, he tried to manipulate me into keeping her in the school by asking me to sign a form giving up all future rights for her to return to the school (a popular, high-rated school).  I signed because I was so sure I was doing the right thing, but as we walked to the car a strange voice spoke to me and said, "You're taking a risk."  For a split second I think I felt the truth, but I clenched my fist, and replied, "I'll take that challenge!"  I felt so right about what I was doing because I felt I was "saving" my daughter.

My daughter had fun that day saying goodbye to all her friends because it made her the center of attention.  However, very quickly, she began to hate me.  What a contrast to that last day in front of the school when the voice had spoken to me; that day, my daughter had held me in high esteem,  had believed in me, and had looked at me in trust.  Her actions displayed her faith in me as she followed my plan for her.  However, my plan of fear led to much worse behavior in her.  I cannot account that behavior here, but I know that my lack of faith in her led to that great life of sin.  I had always believed in her before that scare, and I have shown belief since then, but that one decision made out of fear drastically altered the life of my child because I let Satan in.

We've been through a lot as a family since then.  We've been through wilderness, residential treatment, and a stopped start at college.  Our daughter lives at home with us now, and appears happy to all, as she works, and dates, and enjoys her night life of fun and excitement.  The scars of the past keep her from mingling too closely with the Saints, and maybe too closely with the spirit because deep sins bring deep pain, and despite her repentance in residence, her Personal Progress award, her 4 year Camp Crafter award, and receiving her patriarchal blessing, she is still running.  Running, running, running.

I am different now, too.  I am no longer a president of any Primary, Young Women's, or Relief Society organization.  I am quiet.  I don't trust myself to speak.  And I cry way too much.  I know my daughter loves me, but never again will it be the pure love of yesteryear.  I thought I knew a lot about the youth from years of teaching in all the church organizations, but I have a new set of knowledge now, names of books I can't list here.  But of all that I have gained from my loss, I have found the biggest answer to all:  Christ.  I had faith before, but not through Christ.  I repented before, but not through activating the atonement.  It just may be possible that we might need to bleed from every pore, too.  Or at least feel like we have in order to grasp the most important truth of all.

--Name Withheld

Fast and Pray

I am an active member, and mother of five.  All five of my children became inactive as teenagers, and in varying degrees became involved with morality issues, tobacco, alcohol and drugs.  We continued to fast and pray for them all, and made sure they knew that we loved them no matter what.  Our youngest son accidentally drowned almost eleven years ago, and it shook our family to the core.  Our oldest son turned his life around and served a mission at the age of 23.  He is still active today.  Our second son eventually ended up addicted to meth, and spent time in prison.  He re-gained his testimony during that time and after two rounds of in-patient rehab, is now married in the temple and the Elder's Quorum President in his ward.  One daughter is married to a non-member, and is still completely inactive.  But our youngest daughter has begun the process of turning to the Lord again.  It's a constant struggle, but as parents we can never give up.  We still fast and pray, put their names in the temple, and try to be examples to them all, and then give it to the Lord.

--Dena Simister

Personal Sanctification

My husband and I have 3 sons-all inactive, including our returned missionary. In reading Brother Larry Barkdull's articles, we have come to a greater understanding of personal sanctification and what it can do for our family. We have increased our temple attendance, tithes, and service to our branch. Our personal and family prayers have doubled and tripled, fasting is more often. We both serve the youth of our Branch and have made it our goal to have more and more meaningful activities and lessons for them. We want these kids to feel the spirit more in their lives at this age than our boys did. It has been tough to watch the choices our sons have made, but we know that they are still being touched by the Spirit, they just haven't been able to recognize it as the Spirit -yet. Thanks for the words of encouragement, you've helped us tremendously.

--Sharon Haynie

Letting Them Exercise Their Moral Agency

Everyone defines leaving the fold differently. My own story: Two sons; one did not make Eagle, but has served an honorable full time mission, married in the temple, got his career underway, attending college, two kids, serving as a teacher in his ward. The other did make Eagle, still active in the church, struggling with getting his career underway, but no mission, no patriarchal blessing, probably no position of responsibility in his single adult ward. Did he leave the church? Not exactly, but he has chosen a slightly different path than we desired-- it's hard to watch a child make things harder than they need to be, but all too soon in the growing-up process your child learns he has moral agency, and will begin to exercise that agency. One of my jobs as a parent is to honor that moral agency; in this case- the task is made harder- for me- because he is not necessarily wrong in his choices, just different that what I desired.

--Bob Taylor

Never Give Up

Being the parents of five boys, it was and had been devastating to have our oldest boy inactive for probably 14 years. All four of his little brothers served missions. As converts to the church, we felt it our greatest blessing and obligation to send our missionaries out to preach the restored gospel. He has been outside the temple when his younger siblings were sealed to their wives. Ward members, friends and family have been telling us to keep the faith and one day he will come back. The one thing we have fasted for this whole time was for him to be humbled and realize the need we all have to rely on the Lord. He came back. He baptized his boy, wife, and received the Melchizedek Priesthood. He is active now. The Lord did answer our prayers. Keep trying, loving and believing.

--Kevin Brooks

Just Keep Loving Them

Does Heavenly Father love non-members or inactives less than faithful, active members of the Church? No, he loves all of his children equally, even when they do something that displeases him. We must learn to be like Him. Three of my six children are less active, and have broken commandments taught to them since their birth. Do I love them less, of course not, I love them whatever they do, just as our Heavenly Father loves each of us. This is unconditional love - just love them and hold onto the promise which has been given by many prophets that all will be well!

--Judith Potter

Looking for Acceptance

I have two sons, one daughter. One son served a mission then married in the temple a year ago. My daughter is doing okay. One son left home/family/church at a very early age (13 yrs old – drug use) and the first 10 years of that strange adventure taught me more about faith, trust and hope than any other experience ever could have. It has been very painful in every way. I sometimes look back on it and wonder how I or any of us survived those years.

As a 28 year old he is back home at an age I thought he would be gone, but not back in the church. He tried to go back to church, but was not accepted there by his peers or mine. I don't think acceptance in the church will ever happen in this life (and I consider myself an optimist and realist). I've even tried to help him find another church because he still has spiritual needs and is a kind, gentle person. He is caught in a sphere of no man's land between knowing the prophet is true and necessary, but being isolated when he goes to church. I don't know what the future holds for him (or me) but Heavenly Father has not abandoned us. If one way doesn't work for us, we will find another. I will never give up on my child or Heavenly Father's love for ALL of his children no matter what has happened so far in this life.

--Still Hopeful.

Children Have Been Scattered Out of the Church

This has been the hardest thing for us to accept and/or live with.  I have 8 lovely children. 4 of my 6 boys are returned missionaries.

One served a mission, came home and was married in the temple.  Now several years later his wife became disaffected with the church and took the children to a different church.  Now my son has followed and they have all had their names taken off the records of the church and are very active and important people in another religion.  My daughter-in-law has even become a spokeswoman against the church.  She participates in seminars with the sole purpose of drawing people away from the church.

Another served a mission, came home very active, then got mixed up in alcohol and drugs.  Married, eventually returned to activity and they have been sealed in the temple.

Still another child served a mission, came home, starting dating a girl who did not have his convictions.  Was drawn away from the church, she got pregnant and they married 2 weeks before the child was born.  After the birth of their 4th child, they both become active and were sealed in the temple.  Then the daughter-in-law who left the church worked on this wife until she left the church, and now this son has left the church also.

Another child fell to peer pressure in high school.  Had a baby out of wedlock, lived with a boy, had a second child out of wedlock.  Then they married, had two more children.  Now they just completed getting a divorce, and she is by herself with three children to raise. This child never really liked church, had a disagreement with his dad about proper dress for church. Never went to church that day, and has only returned to church for special events, blessings, baptisms, missionary farewells, funerals, etc.  Led a totally destructive life, married his childhood sweetheart of another faith.  Straightened his life out, never returned to church.  And is now in the middle of a divorce.

Another boy served a mission, obviously did not have a lot of strength.  Completed his mission but came home and was totally inactive.  Married the wrong girl, divorced, married again with a child on the way.  They now have 3 children, but are not really happy.

Another boy did not serve a mission, Was semi-active in his teen years.  Got his girlfriend pregnant.  She chose not to marry him, but she is raising the child, and he is supporting the child.  He met a lovely girl, if she is LDS she is not active.  We do not discuss religion.  Each of their children have been blessed in the church, and they do plan to have them baptized.  He is a really good boy, provides for his family and child.  I don't know what the future will bring

We hadn't had enough bad times, so we adopted another child from a foriegn country.  She has been a real joy to raise.  Has a strong testimony, married in the temple, has two lovely children.

You explain. I have had to turn it over to the Lord.  I was so close to a nervous breakdown so many times.  I've questioned myself trying to figure what we did wrong.  There are no answers.

--Mary T.