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Getting Children to Mind
By Steve and Claudia
Goodman
The fifteen-year-old girls were assembled for
a craft class at girls’ camp. Three
of them were wearing flip flops, clearly in violation of the
camp dress code, since no open-toed shoes were allowed. The
stake young women’s president asked them to please go back to
the dorms and change. They
ignored her and went on to their next class. The
leader of that class insisted that they go back and put on different
shoes. They refused until the leader became so firm
that they finally left in deep resentment. However,
at the next class they showed up again, still wearing flip flops,
having never returned to the dorms. Defiantly
they refused to participate in the activities, but sat gossiping
and criticizing in the back corner.
A seventeen-year-old girl at the same camp was
caught wearing a shirt that exposed an inch or two of her midriff. The camp leaders mentioned it to her, and
ten minutes later she returned, wearing a longer shirt under
her short one. For the
remaining days of camp, she always wore the long shirt underneath,
which covered her middle.
Why was one of the girls obedient to suggestions
that were made, while others murmured and defied their leaders? Why do some children comply readily, while
others rebel? Obviously
the answer is very complex, and there are many factors over which
we have no control. However, there are also things we can do
help our children learn to respect authority and act responsibly.
Start when the children are young.
We are limited in our ability to execute this
principle by how old our children actually are right now. But it goes without saying that the younger
the child, the easier it is to teach him respect for rules and
authority. The parents and leaders of those girls wearing
the flip flops at camp will have a real challenge influencing
them to change their ways, because their habits are so deeply
ingrained, while the attitudes of young children are still fresh
and moldable. Changes are usually made much more easily
in the early stages, and simple minor course corrections at the
beginning have a profound influence on the final destination.
Set limits consistently.
Many parents mistakenly feel that in order to
be positive and loving with their children, they can never say
no nor place any restraints on them. Two-year
old Timmy accompanied his mother to visit a friend. Because
he was bored, the friend put on a video for him. After a few minutes Timmy tired of the movie
and headed for the TV. He
began aggressively pushing all the knobs. The
TV went haywire and couldn’t be fixed.
The most interesting part of the story was not
what Timmy did—he was merely a typical toddler. However, as he displayed some rather aggressive behavior toward
the TV, his mother did nothing at all. Finally
her friend became alarmed. She
did not feel it was her place to discipline Timmy; nevertheless,
she couldn’t just sit by and watch him destroy her TV. Finally she said apologetically, “Timmy, please don’t play with
the TV.” Timmy, however,
totally disregarded her. Concluding
that he was not used to any limits, the friend placed a chair
in front of the TV. Timmy continued to find ways to manipulate
the knobs through the chair slats until she finally placed two
chairs together and stacked a large box on top of them, completely
blocking off the TV.
We have observed that children and parents alike
are much happier when there are limits. Why
should we allow our children to destroy anything within reach
or set their own schedule, even if it requires the parents to
stay up half the night entertaining them? Once
children discover the limits and are assured that they will not
change, they feel a sense of security. They
don’t have to retest again and again. Parents
also feel a sense of relief. They
don’t have to keep track of the child every second. The
child can take some of that responsibility himself.
Let your children help make the rules.
Whenever possible, let the children help make
some of the rules. Then
they have ownership and are more supportive of them. Of
course there are many policies that are already in place as a
part of daily living and never need to be discussed. But
some rules require support from all family members.
After we had several children, we encountered
a challenge gathering the family for dinner. When
we notified everyone that dinner was ready, some people came
immediately, because they weren’t doing much. Others
were involved in homework, phone conversations, reading, etc.,
and sometimes as much as ten minutes went by before they arrived. By then dinner was cold, the early arrivers
had gone off to do one more thing, and the little children were
cranky and hungry.
As we discussed the various options, we concluded
that it was impractical to give a family the size of ours a five
or ten minute warning, because there was still too much leeway
in arrival times. We mutually agreed that as soon as dinner
was announced, everyone had to drop whatever they were doing
and come immediately. Because
we all helped formulate the rule, we gave it our full support. By working out the plan together, everyone cooperated and arrived
in time for family prayer, and our dinnertime atmosphere improved
dramatically.
Mean what you say.
One of the easiest pitfalls for parents to slip into is correcting
every single thing the child does wrong. Soon these parents are complaining about anything they don’t feel
like doing themselves. I
overheard a conversation the other day in a waiting room, in
which a mother gave all the following orders to her five-year-old
daughter within a one-minute period: “Don’t take your shoes off. Look at the dolls in this cupboard. Don’t touch the glass. You’ll get fingerprints on it. Come here. No,
don’t go by the curtains. You’re
not supposed to play in there. Come
on out. You’ll ruin the
curtains. Get over here. Put your shoes on right now. Hurry. Don’t
touch the glass. Sarah,
get your shoes on. Come
one, we’re going.” That’s
fifteen commands in one minute—pretty good! How
many of them did the child obey? How
many of them were repeats? Why?
One of the most important things we can do as parents is limit
our requests. The main
reason is because it is impossible for us to follow up on fifteen
requests per minute! All
we are doing is teaching the child not to obey us, evidenced
by the repeated demands (“Put your shoes on,” “Come here,” etc.). We
are causing the child to become “mother deaf,” tuning out our
impossible demands.
We must train ourselves to think twice about anything we ask
our children to do to make sure we don’t say it unless we mean
it. If we say, “Don’t go outside,” are we willing
to get up and lock the door or pull the child back in the house? If we say, “Please give Billy back his toy,” are
we prepared to walk over and help him return the toy? Suppose we say, “Come on. We’re leaving the grocery store.” The child says, “I don’t want to go.” We say, “Well then, you’ll just have to stay
here, because I’m leaving.” Are
we really leaving without him? The
child knows we wouldn’t dare, and so do we. So
we are actually teaching him that we don’t mean what we say,
so he doesn’t have to mind. We
are teaching him disobedience.
As we distinguish between moral issues and personal taste,
we can choose our battles. If
the child is handling a butcher knife, we had better take it
away. But if it’s just a table knife, maybe he can
handle it, and we let it pass. The
more we limit our requests to the things that really count, the
more effective we will be in enforcing them.
Follow through.
As just discussed, parents should try to never give a request
or command unless they intend to follow through. It’s the follow through that teaches respect
and obedience. When we
take the time to enforce our requests, we are actually showing
the child that we care enough to help him, even when it’s something
he doesn’t want to do.
Following through can seldom be done from an armchair. It requires active participation on the part
of the parent, at least in the beginning, typically helping children
replace the object on the table, clear their dishes from the
table, finish their homework, etc. If
children know that we mean what we say, they will soon learn
to follow through on their own. Soon we will no longer have to follow them
so closely to reinforce our requests.
Give reasons whenever possible.
Giving a child a reason you are making a request
makes it a lot easier for him to obey. For
example, instead of saying, “Don’t touch that vase!” we might
say, “I’d rather that you not play with that vase, because it
could break easily.” It
is also very important for children to learn to obey even when
no reason is given, but usually giving a logical reason whenever
we can helps a child to trust us when we can’t give an explanation.
Ask for favors sparingly.
There are so many chores and expectations that our children must do
that we need to carefully monitor how many additional favors
we ask of them. We have
enough follow through on the important things. When
it doesn’t matter quite so much, it’s good if we either do things
for ourselves or ask a child who would enjoy doing it.
A young mother once spent the day with us. She watched in amazement as I said, “Shawn,
will you please get me a diaper for the baby?” and he actually
did it. After lunch I said, “Julianne, would you mind
wiping off the table?” Even
though Julianne was only four, she cheerfully cleaned it all
by herself. Awhile later I said, “Melissa, do you have
time to read Christy a story?” Both
girls giggled and snuggled up in a chair with a book.
Finally my friend’s curiosity got the better of her. “How do you always get your children to do
what you ask?” she demanded. “Mine
never do.”
Her question took me by surprise. I’d never thought about it before. Why did they mind so
cheerfully? Finally I
replied, “Well, I don’t know for sure. But
I’ll tell you one thing that helps. As much as possible I try to only ask the children
to do favors I know they’ll probably do. Then I don’t have to make them mind me.
“I asked Shawn to get me a diaper, because he could see that
I really needed help and wasn’t just asking him to do something
I could do for myself.
“And I asked Julianne to clear the table instead of Marilee,
because Julianne loves doing it, and Marilee never gets around
to it. I had Marilee load the plates in the dishwasher
instead, because that job is not so overwhelming to her.
“I already know Melissa is a book lover. She’ll read to anyone anytime. That’s why I asked her to read to Christy. Paul
would rather be out catching bugs than inside reading, so why
not let him?”
Since there are so many times when our children are expected
to do things whether they want to or not, why not try to make
optional favors ones to which they can cheerfully reply “Yes!”
Avoid springing requests—give warnings first.
All of us do much better if we are notified ahead
concerning things we must do. Children
are no different. If
we say, “Bedtime is in five minutes,” and then follow it up with, “You
have one more minute to play.”…“Now you have ten seconds,” etc.,
children will be much more cooperative. The
warnings give them a chance to wrap up what they are doing, mentally
and physically.
Watch your tone of voice.
If your children sound whiney, demanding, or emotional, take
a look at your own tone of voice. Do
you usually speak to them with the same respect you would another
adult? Children respond not only to our words, but
to our feelings—perhaps even more readily than grownups do. They can easily sense whether we truly care
about them or whether we are determined to force them to obey.
I have been very impressed with our daughter-in-law Amy, who
on several occasions when we have been talking, actually asked
me if I could please wait a moment. She
then turned her full attention to one of her children who stood
quietly by her chair, waiting to ask her a question. Because
of the deep respect she shows to them, they in turn wait patiently
until she addresses them. I’m
sure she is still working to refine her approach, but what a
profound effect her gentle tone of voice has upon her children.
Reserve commands for rare occasions.
If you constantly order your children around, your commands
become meaningless. You
are in the same boat as the boy who cried “Wolf,” placing your
children in grave danger because they don’t know when to believe
you.
On the other hand, if you usually couch your wishes as requests,
rather than commands, then on the rare occasions when you need
to use a direct command, your children will listen. If
your child runs out in the street to chase a ball and a car is
coming, you can shout at the top of your lungs, “No, Ben! Get out of the street!” Your child will immediately respond, because
he can feel the urgency and is used to obeying.
Respect free agency.
Free agency is a God-given gift to each of us. When
we force our children to obey, we are depriving them of this
fundamental right. Still, it is our responsibility to teach them how to use their
free agency wisely. Often
we can let the child decide between two choices that we feel
are both acceptable. For example, we might say, “Do you want to
do the dishes right now or in five minutes?” “Would
you rather practice the piano before or after dinner?” The child still has to do his chore, but he
has some choice in how he accomplishes it. He
is not so likely to rebel if he has some choice.
It’s also important for us to respect our own
free agency. While it
is important for us to sacrifice for our children, sometimes
we can become so concerned about allowing our children to make
choices that we needlessly forfeit things that are important
to us. One of our daughters
wanted to leave a concert at intermission. I wanted to stay and hear the second half. When I couldn’t persuade her stay, I drove
her home, feeling sorry for myself and maybe a little resentful. It finally occurred to me that I could have
had my husband take her home, since he had to leave early for
an appointment anyway, and I could have stayed and enjoyed the
concert. We must respect our own needs as well as our
children’s.
Watch what you say about your children when they
are in earshot.
Have you ever observed parents saying negative
things about their children, as if they weren’t there? Children pick up so much more than we imagine,
even before they can talk. Almost
nothing undermines a child’s desire to do the right thing so
much as being given a poor reputation to live up to. If he hears his parents say how incapable he is, he can’t help
but lose his faith in himself. Even
when children are out of earshot, what does it do to their reputation
with others if we freely discuss our children’s shortcomings
with our friends? How would we feel if someone said those kinds
of things about us?
Holding other children up as an example can also
have detrimental effects, both for the child being highlighted
and the one being admonished. “Why
can’t you sit quietly like Mandy?” “Kevin
always gets A’s on his report card. Why
don’t you?” Such comments
damage all concerned, building resentment for the achiever and
discouragement for the one struggling. No
two children are alike. It is unfair to compare them, pitting their
weaknesses against someone else’s strengths. If
we want them to mind, we must reinforce the things they are doing
right, especially in front of others.
Remember that we are all on the same team.
It’s easy to become
so focused on reinforcing the rules that we forget we are all
on the same team. We
aren’t here to force our children to mind, nor to call them down
for every little mistake they make. We
should be their best friends and supporters.
If we follow through
so that our children understand the rules and obey them, we soon
discover that there is room for a little flexibility. Mother
might say, “Will you please put away your bike helmet?” And the child can respond, “Sure. Is it okay if I wait till I finish reading
this chapter?” If the
child has demonstrated dependability in the past, it might be
nice to honor this request.
The bottom line is to treat our children the way
we would like to be treated. It
all comes back to the Golden Rule. As
we show our children the respect they deserve, they in turn will
eventually mirror that respect back to us in full measure.
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