The Truth About Dating, Part
2
By
Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell
Read
The Evolution of Dating, Part 1 here
Researchers
of the Social Phenomenon that has women shrieking in fear and
men breaking out in cold sweats: DATING. Proceed with extreme
caution.
The Theory of Organic Dating According to Erin and Juli
From
the authors of the study on dating throughout history (that
would be us), we bring you the first almost scientifically sound
theory of what makes dating so unbelievably difficult. As a
companion to the almost technical study we published last week,
to much acclaim in both the scientific
and dating communities, we now present the second half of our
research on dating.
The
Theory of Organic Dating According to Erin and Juli states the
fundamental truth: all carbon-based life forms are incapable
of finding a mate and reproducing by themselves. Therefore,
an intermediary is required. Beginning with the simpler carbon-based
life forms, we see that male and female plants must be cross-pollinated
in order to get married and produce offspring. They use bees,
bats, or other animals that can transfer pollen or seeds. (Hence
the term “the birds and the bees,” but this is a family magazine
so that’s as much as we’ll say about that!) The bottom line:
Even the plant cannot achieve its goals and dreams without a
mate. It is an inherent and natural need to reproduce and find
companionship. If it were not, all men would their wile away
their hours on earth contemplating the magic yellow line that
appears on their TV during a football game,
and women would spend a great deal more time shopping for shoes.
Nature
tends to side with the women in the insect world. In a hive,
there is one queen, and she’s a big momma! The worker ants are
dwarfed by her. Her whole reason to exist is to make more bees.
She spends her days eating and laying eggs, and everyone else
is there to make sure she eats. The men are there to wait on
her, feeler and foot. None of the rest of the women have to lay eggs, and they don’t seem to mind one bit.
In
other species, such as the famous Florida love bug or the preying
mantis, the male exists entirely for the sake of the female,
always meeting a grisly demise once he has fertilized the female’s
eggs. All in all, not a bad set-up for the woman … Even in the
insect world, the guys just never know what’s going on until
the woman has made his brain into a tasty afternoon snack. This
is not too far distant from the human world.
But
then, why do we get email after email each week from women asking
us for our opinion on women asking out men? Why is it in the
rest of nature, the women control the mating and dating – but
in your average singles ward, where the odds are not in their
favor, the men and their lack of desire to date, controls the
dating scene?
The
sad fact remains that so few humans are capable of meeting their
mate for life and beyond by themselves. We need an intermediary,
just like plants and animals and everything else we’re supposed
to have dominion over. For us, our ‘busy bee’ friends may introduce
us to someone or pass along veiled, noncommittal messages of
interest. Other bees in our hives may be FHE, ward activities,
Institute, or even the occasional web-site geared toward, but
not affiliated with, the Church.
Disclaimer: The
preceding science lesson was brought to you by two liberal arts
majors, girls who only learned science by watching the Weather
Channel. Please take with a grain of salt. Thank you.
The Real Truth about Dating
The
real, unfettered truth about dating is that it is rarely fun.
We’ve been on dates that rank up there with dental work and
emptying the litter box. We’ve also been on amazing, fun, memorable
dates as well. Dating can certainly have its high points, and
it can be enjoyable at times, but it is not full-time fun.
Why do we “play games” that are not fun? Why do we put our
hearts on the line and risk complete rejection? Why do we hold
our [collective] breath on February 14th, hoping
we have a secret admirer? Why do care what other people think?
Because
we believe in love. Period.
Rejection Stinks
The
truth about dating is that it’s all about being yourself and
putting the real you out in the public arena where you can be
rejected. When it’s accepted and praised and lauded,
its fun. When someone else loves, or even just likes, the real
you, you are on cloud nine. Life is great. Dating is worth
it. But when you are rejected, it can feel like it’s just not
worth it.
Possibly
one of the greatest quotes (at least in the opinion of these
authors) regarding love and rejection comes from Helen Fielding,
author of Bridget Jones’ Diary. "When someone leaves
you, apart from missing them, apart from the fact that the whole
little world you've created together collapses, and that everything
you see or do reminds you of them, the worst is the thought
that they tried you out and, in the end, the whole sum of parts
which adds up to you got stamped REJECT by the one you love.
How can you not be left with the personal confidence of a passed-over
British Rail sandwich?"
When
so much is at stake, how can we dare risk putting ourselves
out there? Why do we even consider the pain and humiliation
that comes with the remote hope of finding love? There are
thousands and thousands of quotes about love. There are more
poems, essays and songs about love than about any other topic
in the world. We believe in love! Even when we are down, and
dating is hardly worth the pain and effort, we pick ourselves
up and try again because we believe in love. (In our humble
opinions and scientific prowess, we still don’t think the momma
bee is in it for the love.)
We Believe in Love
Even
when we have had no success, and few reasons to believe that
we will ever know love, all we have to do is turn on the radio,
and someone will be singing about love! It’s all around us!
We feel it in our fingers! We feel it in our toes! And so
the feeling grows! We can’t deny it! And even when we don’t
know what it personally feels like to be in love, all of our
conditioning tells us that it’s worth it to wait it out and
try again and keep on believing in LOVE! (And when that doesn’t
work, go back to contemplating the little yellow line or spend
a few nights with some Ben and Jerry’s and a very large spoon.)
Dating
has often been compared with a high-stakes poker game. While
we are NOT condoning gambling with this comparison, we believe
that for us, the faithful, single Latter-day Saint population,
the stakes are so much higher for the rest of the world. When
we play the dating game, we are gambling with our eternal lives
in a ‘winner-take-all’ situation. That’s why we want to keep
playing. We want to win the love of our life and our eternal
salvation in one round.
That’s
why we feel the pressure. That’s why it’s scary. But that’s
precisely why we need to keep playing. And maybe one of these
rounds, you’ll get the hand just right, the hand you need to
win the game, and you’ll be able to put a ring on that hand
and hold it forever.
Your
Thoughts
First off, congratulations to Russell in Palm Bay. He wrote in a couple of weeks ago with
a great response to the apple quote (http://www.meridianmagazine.com/singlethought/041014public.html
). He is now engaged and will marry the lucky girl in the Bountiful,
Utah, temple in January! He must have done a pretty decent job
of climbing to the top of the apple tree and coaxing that bright,
shiny apple down from the top of the tree, despite the hurricanes
that hit Florida and were making apples fly all over the place.
Yay, Russell!
We had some great feedback from you on dating
through the ages. We called for the men to write in and let
us know what you thought, and we heard from just as many women.
NV at BYU finds it ironic that, living in the age of instant,
constant communication, we seem to be getting worse at communicating
with each other. “Not quite so,” she wrote. “Ah, but again in
history, Shakespeare's and Jane Austen's writing would tell
us that it was a problem in their day as well. I guess one
thing can be certain about dating though . . .it is as diverse as cultures are around the world. It is
just that in history it remained the same within a culture,
whereas today it is so diverse that I don't think we can figure
out its culture! It seems to me each relationship is a culture
all its own.”
Thanks
to NV for pointing that out. How many sonnets did Shakespeare
write? A hundred fifty, give or take
a few. He spent a good portion of his time writing about the
same thing we do; he just did it much more eloquently. As he
wrote in Twelfth Night:
“Oh Mistress Mine, where are you roaming?
O stay and hear; your true love’s coming…
What is love? ‘tis not hereafter;
Present mirth hath present laughter;
What’s to come is still unsure:
In delay there lies no plenty…”
Rough
translation: they couldn’t find love any more easily than we
can now, but there’s no reason in waiting to try and find it,
so just do it. (Shakespeare as translated by Nike.) And yet
the problem of finding love remains, compounded with uncertainty
of what is expected of us.
Jennifer
from Iowa is frustrated with how to define her role as a
single sister who would like to date more. She wrote, “All the guys I have met are either dating, have a girlfriend, or
haven't gone on a mission. Guys here like the responsibility
to ask the girl out. What I find frustrating is that they
never will ask the girl out. What are we supposed to do?
Wait around half our lives for them to ask us out or ask them
out ourselves? I asked a guy out on a date and he was
so uncomfortable with the idea that I asked him out that the
date was no fun. Guys need to realize that if they ask
a girl out they probably won't get rejected the first time.
Girls are nice!”
The Beast is Back: Fixating on Looks
Dave sent in his opinion on why he feels
some girls aren’t dating. “Many LDS single girls have no idea
how much physical appearance matters to guys. It’s not that
spirituality and personal worthiness are not important, it’s
just that they are a given among the LDS active single
women.
Most guys know in five minutes of meeting you whether they find
you physically attractive. The men tend to segregate the single
girls into three categories: girlfriend material, friend material,
not interested.
“Given the female/male ratio in LDS singles
community, that means that physically attractive girls have
lots of dates and their pick of guys. The ‘sort of cute’ girls
will also get their share of guy attention. Some girls will
stand out with their personality, their musical talents, their
great sense of wit; these also attract guys. The rest of the
girls may find themselves with no dates, no male suitors, no
one interested in them.
“My advice to the LDS single women is this:
Take your physical appearance seriously. Exercise and dieting
may be just as important to obtaining a celestial marriage as
anything else you do. Dress nicely and take care of your hair,
skin, and nails. If you can combine a physical attractiveness with a sense of humor and warm personality, you’ll be the girl of
every LDS man’s dreams.”
We agree with Dave to a certain extent,
and we have discussed this topic in this forum before. (Erin is rolling on the floor gagging at the thought of further
discussions on this issue. Men can whine all they want about
women’s looks being important. But until they stop putting
ten pounds of “product” into their hair and learn how to shave
evenly, she doesn’t care to hear it anymore.)
It’s a given that men expect the single
LDS women they date to be spiritual, smart, and talented. We
should be proud, in a way, that they see us in this light. They
know how high our standards are! But at the same time, while
some men want perfect looks to accompany that perfect spiritual
package, how many male models do we see in our wards, versus
how many guys with a bit of a paunch hanging over their belts?
Or guys who still wear shirts left over from their missions?
How many have a perfect, thick mane of hair, and how many chrome
domes do we see? Our advice to Dave (and the guys who are nodding
their heads vigorously in agreement with him) – If you want
perfect, you’d better be perfect yourselves. Otherwise accept
that we all have physical flaws that give us character.
Before
the guys start howling in protest, we hear this from women,
too. Missy sums up the opposing viewpoint: “LDS single girls
are looking for a ‘perfect looking’ guy, and vice versa, guys
are looking for the perfect girl. When I was in the Baltimore
Singles ward and all the guys, fat or not, dated this one Barbie-doll
girl. She got married to one of the average looking guys. After
that, no one continued dating until another Barbie moved into
the ward. What's up with that? I'm not super thin like the
Barbie, but I'm guilty. I'll admit it! I prefer thin guys.
So I'm a hypocrite, I'm fat and I only want a thin. In-shape
man ... and I know I'm not the only one.”
Erin can’t help but weigh in with her opinion here. After all,
it is 50% her column.
Erin Ann’s
Opinion
In
my personal, humble opinion, looks don’t matter. When I look
around the room, I look for the person who is attempting to
put his best foot forward. I like the guy who knows his table
manners, understands chivalry (without running to open every
door like an idiot), tries his hardest at whatever he does,
keeps up with his personal hygiene, and respects the fact that
I have a decent head on my shoulders. If a guy can’t keep up
in conversation with me, and I might add, I speak fast, he’s
not going to entertain me for long. I don’t speak for all women,
but I do speak for a strong growing group of women – the career
women. We know how to take care of ourselves. We are smart,
we are strong, we are feminine, and we are wise. We don’t want
a man who looks at us as a physical object. We want to be noticed
for our whole package! We’re too good to be trophy wives!
I’m
too busy to waste my time on a bad conversationalist. I can
look at the pretty boys on TV. If I am going to take time out
of my life to spend time with a guy, there must be the promise
of an uplifting, entertaining, and intelligent conversation.
And as far as his looks go, well, I just ask that he not have
anything green in his teeth or hanging from his nose. If you
want a Barbie blonde who will laugh at your every joke, and
can’t wait to leave her job at the mall to bake you cookies,
I suggest you not bother calling ‘round here. I’ll be waiting
for someone who can appreciate me!
I
look on the inside, and I am looking for someone who will do
the same exact thing. I want to be with someone who starts
off describing me as, “She’s really fun and interesting.” If
the first thing he says about me is, “She has long blonde hair,”
I would be disappointed. There are so many more interesting
features and characteristics to a person than what the outside
shows. Personality lasts a lot longer than looks.
Back to the Peanut Gallery
Mark in Boston sent in the best advice we
received from the guys. Let’s stop picking on each other and
think about this. “Here are the key actions that I think would
help many more LDS singles enjoy meaningful dating and relationships:
For
the guys: invite a girl out on a real date, and do it often.
For
the girls: say "yes" when you are invited on a real date.
For
everyone: lighten up, have fun, make friends, and do interesting things
together.
“It is easy for guys to get discouraged
when they can't get a second date with a girl. Many shy, good-hearted
men opt for ‘hanging out’ on weekends when real dating doesn't
work for them. The best thing women can do to help more LDS
men develop excellent social skills is to go out with them,
and to accept the invitations for a second or third date. It
will do wonders for the man's confidence, even if after a few
dates you must tell him you don't want to pursue a romantic
relationship. Both the guy and the girl benefit from developing
new friendships, practicing dating courtesies, creating some
fun memories (including the blunders), and spending fewer weekends
at home. Imagine the positive impact if just 5 or 6 more guys
in your ward became converted to ‘real dating.’
A single man Mark knew timidly asked a woman
we’ll call Helen out on a date. He continued, “Helen declined,
explaining that she prefers to know someone well before going
out. It ended there. I sympathize with that guy. How can
she ever get to know him if they can't spend time together?
It took courage and effort for him to step forward and extend
an invitation. It is likely to be more difficult for him the
next time.
“As a guy, I acknowledge that we will do
well to realize that there are many vibrant, worthy women around
us. Unfortunately, in many singles wards, a handful of the
girls receive the majority of the dating invitations. By spending
time with some of the other single sisters,
We will discover that we are surrounded
by many amazing and delightful women.
“The best thing that single men and women
can do is spend time together, preferably on dates. There should
be no fear of going on a few dates even if you don't feel a
romantic connection. Date to make friends, keep it light and
lively, and many good things can happen!”
Thanks to all who wrote in and shared their
thoughts and comments this week. And as usual your dating woes, theories, misconceptions, and praises can
be sent to our inbox at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com
.
PS – Don’t forget to vote on Tuesday!
