Dear Juli and Erin,
Can you give a girl some advice?
Six years ago I spotted an attractive blond at a U of
U party. He spotted me. I smiled. He smiled back.
Sparks flew, one thing led to another, and … after dating,
some hits and misses in the relationship, graduation,
five years, and 2000 miles, we became friends. We’ve
been best friends ever since. Life has moved on, we’ve
grown up, he’s lost hair, and mine changed colors. I
got a little width with my wisdom; he hit puberty and
got buffer. We moved across the country from each other,
but we keep in touch with each other, and even see each
other every year. He’s been my best friend ever since
the first day we met. It could have been more, but it
just never happened. Why?
We’ve never been romantic. It’s never been more than
“just friends.” But we’ve shared every detail of every
relationship we’ve ever had with each other. He’s my
best friend and I can’t imagine ever losing him. But
now something has changed. He wants something more.
I can’t believe this is happening. We’ve been best
friends for six years, and now suddenly out of the blue,
he says he’s in love with me. We haven’t seen each other
in over a year, but we talk about once or twice a month.
He wants to come visit me and see where things go. I
don’t know what to do! This is where you two come in!
Do I let him come visit? Do I risk the best friendship
I have ever had? I personally think he’s on the rebound.
Yet another Perfect Woman dumped him about two months
ago. I am not blind to the situation here. We have an
uncommonly close friendship and have for years. If I
hear one more person say, “You marry your best friend,”
one more time, I’ll scream.
What should I do? Do I give this a shot? Do I risk
losing my best friend? I’m also afraid that if I tell
him that I don’t share his feelings it will hurt him and
I’ll lose him.
I leave my future happiness in your hands!!
Your friend,
Stacy
Stacy,
how convenient! We happen to be experts at falling in
love with your best friend! (as well as most other things
we write about). We offer you the “Are You in Love with
Your Best Friend?” test.
- It is midnight, and you’re watching a movie. You
are both on the couch. Are you snuggled up? Head on
his shoulder? Or sitting on the far end of the couch,
multiple pizza and ice cream boxes between you? Do you
want to be snuggled up with your head on his
shoulder? Or does the pizza box serve a greater purpose
of making sure no one ever crosses that line?
- Have you ever compared an ex-boyfriend to your
best friend? Do your other boyfriends even come close
in the comparison? Do you wish the guys you date were
more like your friend?
- Do you ever run out of things to say to your best
friend? Or is he the first person you want to tell
your good news to?
- Does the thought of spending the rest of your life
with your head on the shoulder of your best friend that
no other guy has ever compared to sharing every detail
of your lives make you happy? Or is the thought so
unsavory that you can’t even fathom it?
Think
about these things, and think about what you really want.
Remember in junior high, when you doodled your name next
to the last name of you current crush, and made a list
of all the attributes you wanted in your husband? Make
a list, on paper if you must, of the qualities once again.
Set it aside, then start again and make a list of your
favorite qualities in your friend. Now compare them.
How does he stack up?
You
can’t force yourself to feel someone for something, but
maybe if you get over the initial freak-out of your friend
having feelings for you, this could be a really good thing
for both of you. There’s nothing more flattering than
someone who knows you better than anyone else realizing
how perfect you are for them! Best of luck, Stacy! Keep
us updated.
What
do you think? Should Stacy let herself be pursued by
her best friend? What about “chemistry?” Does there
have to be a romantic spark to get the flames of love
burning, or can you play Eagle Scout and build a fire
out of whatever happens to be lying around? Let us know!
It’s
All About You!
Thanks
to everyone for all the thoughts, input, comments, and
questions. As always, our readers mean everything to
us! We would love to answer your personal questions,
so if you have an issue you think thousands of readers
can help answer, send it on over to erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com!
We can’t answer EVERY question, but we promise to have
fun with the ones that we do answer!
*
From
the Peanut Gallery
Last
week we talked about wedding “Ring Decoding.” Here are
your comments on rings, or the tragic lack thereof.
No
Ring Necessary
Sally
wrote, “I was married in the temple and have been married
for almost 21 years. My wonderful husband has never worn
a ring. I think the ‘ring thing’ is a truer barometer
of a woman's status, not a man's.”
Dean added, “What about married men or women who don't wear
rings? What is your decoder for these ‘sneaky’ individuals?
Fortunately for me, most married women wear rings. However,
some of the women in my ward, who I know are married,
don't. I'm sure it is tougher for the women because there
are a lot of married men who don't wear rings.”
Juli, the married half of this column and therefore also an
expert on ring wearing, would like to add one purely boring
fact that concerns women and rings … and some men and
rings. The married men who go to bars and other unholy
places sans wedding ring may indeed be very sneaky, but
we don’t associate with those types of people (other than
to share the gospel with them,) or date them, so no worries!
Women at church who go without most likely have swollen
hands or have gained a little weight, and the ring is
pinching her finger. It may be a more accurate predictor
of pregnancy than anything sneaky, since hormone fluctuations
tend to make us fortunate women swell, and once that ring
comes off, it most likely won’t fit back on for another
nine, ten … twenty-seven months. Also, some men work
in occupations that make it impractical to wear a ring
all the time. We would prefer to see the nice, happily
married man take his ring off while operating heavy machinery,
and be able to take his fingers home with him when his
shift is done for the evening.
Ring
me up?
Brady wrote, “When I lived in New Zealand I was struck by the beauty
of the people, especially the men. I attended a 'family'
ward that was filled with singles and enjoyed it for the
spirituality and scenery provided. One Sunday I walked
in to see the most handsome man I had ever seen come towards
me (he had heard I was from the States and was excited
to talk with someone from where he had served his mission).
I was instantly smitten, I did the quick glance to his
ring finger (this 'was' a family ward) and seeing no glint
of gold flashed my biggest smile and flirted unapologetically.
Though normally not a girly-girl, images of our wedding
and splitting our lives between NZ and the States ran
through my mind. After church he invited me to lunch at
his home (a NZ custom). You can imagine the surprise when
I was welcomed in by his wife and two kids who had stayed
home due to illness. It was a sad, sad day and a reminder
that the lack of a ring does not mean the lack of a spouse.”
Ringing
It In
From
Donna, “Another
thought-provoking article, as usual. I haven’t written
to you before, but I feel so strongly about this subject.
The ring nod only works when married men actually wear
a wedding ring. I don’t know if there’s something in
the water in Salt Lake City that makes the men here forget
to wear a ring, or maybe their job prevents them from
wearing one, or they just lost a whole bunch of weight
and it doesn’t fit … Whatever the reason, it’s frustrating
to flirt with a guy for days on the commuter train and
then find out that he has a wife. Well, if you’d worn
a ring I wouldn’t have flirted, just been nice. Guys
who are married think that they are being friendly to
the single girls, but the single girls just notice that
a guy is paying attention to them. If you don’t wear
a ring, could you at least bring up your wife during the
first conversation? Thanks, because I don’t want to waste
emotion on the unavailable. Wives, nothing declares more
that your man is “off-limits” like a wedding band. Please
encourage your husband to wear one. There are more single
women in the work force than ever — make sure the signs
are clear that your man is taken and that they should
move on.”
What
do you think? Does any of this ring true? Let us know
— you know where to find us. We can always be found at
erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com,
and as always, all compliments, condiments, courtesies,
corsages, and cookies are welcome as well.
Thanks, and have a great week!
