Erin and Juli’s Complete Girl’s Guide to Furniture
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell, with a little help from their friends, Bev and Joy

Warning to the men:  This column is directed completely, 100% at single women.  Feel free to read on if you would like to know how we talk about you when you aren’t around.  And no worries, we’ll give you your chance in the end.  But first, we have a little something for the girls to enjoy.

Furniture

Have you ever noticed the similarities between some men and furniture?  Us too!  Okay, but before we go too far, we have to give the required passing of the buck.  You can sit here and complain that we are being one-sided, and maybe even unfair to men.  But (prepare yourselves for the excuse), we are women.  Why would we want to be unfair and unkind to our own fair sex?  So yes, this is one-sided, and entirely meant tongue-in-cheek.  You read us for nothing less.

The Couch:  He’s big, fuzzy, comfy, and not necessarily exciting.  At the sight of him you think of cuddling up and getting cozy.  He’s stable, large, and not going anywhere.  You can’t live without him. 

The Futon:  This item probably won’t last long, but works for the time being.  It doesn’t look so great at first, but it’s all you can afford right now for your emotional investment.  It improves with a good slipcover or Dockers and doesn’t quite fit with the rest of your adornments, but will do in a pinch.

The Ottoman:  This piece looks fabulous in the living room, and allows you to put your feet on him, but after you have tripped over it a few times, you realize that the irritation it causes you is not worth its looks.

The Rocking Chair:  It seemed like a good idea at the time.  It was fun and cute at first, but before too long you realize he’s just not that comfortable and the back and forth tendencies cause you extreme motion sickness.

The Recliner:  Great for watching TV and movies.  Its comfortable, come-as-you-are attitude always makes you feel welcome, and it seems to fit right every time.  You can never feel too relaxed or casual sometimes. 

The Desk:  Sturdy, stable, makes a statement.  Sometimes it’s aesthetically pleasing, sometimes it’s purely functional.  Either way, this item is very versatile and rather essential to the Every Girl.  It can fit nicely in a corner, or in the center of the room.  The appearance of the desk also says a lot about the interior.  The stacks of papers, books, Little Debbie wrappers, vintage comic books and hardware user’s manuals may frighten off the tidy, while a more casual girl may be totally intimidated if the desk is so pristine she fears even touching it out of fear that even her finger print may mar its perfect image.  Either way, the desk is absolutely essential and can help a girl get her life organized.  Just remember if you pick the one covered in ho-ho wrappers, the process might take a little longer.

The Gun Safe: Stalwart and strong, and overly stubborn, this item requires a master gunsmith to get through the hard outer exterior, requiring two separate keys that must be turned simultaneously in opposite directions.  And even then, there’s no guarantee you can get in.  Once you finally break through to the outer layer, beware of what you may find.  Contents are known to be scary.  Or worse yet, it may be entirely empty.

The Garbage Disposal:  Careful what you put in it.  You may never get it back.

The Candelabra:  It’s romantic, shiny, looks pretty, and serves absolutely no purpose.  You picked it up on a whim, and don’t know what to do with it next.  It still looks incredible, but every time you try to display it, you realize with dismay that the ooh’s and aah’s you hear each time you decorate for a family function aren’t worth the trouble it causes you when it’s not out looking pretty.

The Bookcase:  Full of knowledge, strong, stalwart.  Very reliable and durable, you always know the perfect spot for this in your home, and you can always go to it and partake of its wisdom when you need to.  It contains equal parts romance, gospel knowledge, and textbook smarts.  This resembles your personality best.

The CD Player:  It’s the latest and greatest, but it seems to be stuck permanently on random shuffle.  You like what you hear, but you never know what you’ll get next.  This one keeps you on your toes.

The Laundry Hamper:  Cute exterior, but stinky and full of dirty clothes.  Somehow this item tends to harbor the thing you are looking for most.

The Cheap Ikea Dresser:  Trendy, this dresser is an item you always need, but it needs fine tuning every week.  You never know when the dresser will actually open, and has been know to cause the every girl panic when she needs to get something from it most.  The drawer will stubbornly stick and refuse to yield the trouser socks she needs right then.  Of course, it will apologize, and she will be grateful to have a dresser in her life.  She has no idea that if she just spent a little more of her emotional dollar, she could have a much better dresser set.

The Armoire:  You think you can’t live without this traditional piece of furniture, but then it turns out to be pompous and overbearing.  It intimidates anything you store and display inside with loud declarations of its “furnitural” superiority.  This item actually has hidden self-esteem issues, because even though it knows it looks good, it knows that without the items a girl will put in, he is empty.  

The Paper Shredder:  Nothing is safe near this item.  It causes pain and destruction if you get caught in it.

The TV:  He comes with everything — comedy, sports, drama, love, action, adventure.  Very entertaining, sometimes intense, mostly shallow, but really only a short term amusement.  And when something new, or your favorite program is on — you love it.  Can be high class show, or made for kids.  It’s really hard to know everything that is on the TV, and quite frankly, you aren’t interested in all of it.  But when “real life” comes along — you forget all about it (except when your favorite show is on).

The Wall Hanging:  Beautiful to look at.  Many may be tempted to spend hours dreaming and possibly fantasizing about the picture.  Also, he is generally quite expensive.  But, at the end of the day he doesn’t do much, isn’t good for any useful purpose, other than to look pretty and hang around.  

The Lazy Susan:  Is comfortable in a corner, likes to spin around a lot, and is crucial to all fine dining.  He can be used for just about anything.  You can keep him on the table to offer you a continually revolving array of spices. 

The Guys Strike Back

Now in all fairness, we open the floor to the guys.  What pieces of furniture can you associate with women?  We’ll get started for you by comparing ourselves to items of furniture.  Juli, for example, is a refrigerator, because she is always in the kitchen whether she likes it or not, and she always has something to offer you to eat.  She looks great in avocado green or sterling silver.  While not the flashiest of appliances, she does have one of those cool ice and water dispensers in her freezer door.  She might not look like the latest and greatest, but she can still keep up with the new, sleek, stainless steel models that grace the showrooms. 

Erin Ann is a coffee table.  She likes to be in the middle of things, holds a Diet Coke well, and won’t yell at you if you forget the coaster.  Her top is covered with nail polish bottles, manicure sets, and beautifully illustrated books, covering impressive topics such as, “How to Rescue Yourself and Your Friends from a Burning Building,”  “How to Speak Romanian Slang,” and of course, “Jedi Dating.”

What else can you come up with?  If you have anything to add, you know where to find us: erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.

Average Joe

Last week we brought you “Joe,” who finds himself pining away for a young lady who does not return his feelings, but has maintained a friendship with him.  He wanted to know if he should still pursue her and follow his heart, even though she wants to focus on getting her degree.  Here’s what our good readers had to say to Joe.

Linda pointed out that Joe, at BYU, is in one of the best places and times of his life to meet good LDS girls. She wrote, “College is great!  Give yourself the opportunity to relax and date. Because you like this one girl so much, continue to let her know you'd like to go out with her, but meanwhile date others.  I'm glad to hear that one of the qualities that is important to you is that you both have known one another for a long time and that your families know one another.  You have good requirements in a relationship!  Write a list of characteristics you'd like in a best eternal companion and include the one I just mentioned that you already desire.  Then you will know that you have found your best friend.  And you will have a firm assurance your whole entire life and beyond that you have the bestest eternal companion for you!!  Leave no doubt!!”

E said, “Don't give up on her, but don't make her the center of your life either — just yet. What you have is a friendship.  It comes with obligations and opportunities.  Fulfill them all, and let it go at that.  It might turn a corner and become more later (I'd place the probability at 35%), but you shouldn't wait for that.  Develop other close female friendships in parallel. Your primary focus right now should be your own education.  Give it your very best, as you will have to live with your academic track record the rest of your life.  It makes no sense to pursue someone more than she wants to be pursued.” 

Kevin wrote, “My advice to average Joe is to back way off.  When a girl tells you point-blank that she doesn’t feel the romance, there is your answer right there.  It sounds a little wishy-washy only because she is trying to be nice and spare your feelings.  She is not into you romantically — it is as simple as that.  Stop pursuing her immediately, or you risk slipping into stalker territory.  Be a man, suck it up, and move on.  This girl isn't interested in you, and she has communicated that to you as forthrightly as one can reasonably expect.  Finis.”

Ouch!  Painful, but it’s good advice nonetheless.  Here’s what Minou had to say (and please note, sometimes we even run responses that don’t agree with us!), “I suggest that he try to find ways to hang around her, spend time with her on a casual, non-date basis. A good marriage starts with a good friendship, and if she sees him as a good friend, a buddy, comfortable, that may blossom into romance. Maybe not, but it could be worth a try!  Live the gospel, work hard on your schooling, show her what a terrific catch you would be.”  Exactly.  Thanks, Minou!

Rules for Guys

Our good friend Dave has sent in some rules for guys while dating, and this may apply to Joe and others who need help getting themselves out there after nursing a broken heart back to health.  He writes:

1. Date!  That’s the number one rule for guys.  I know it can sometimes be frightening to ask — the fear of rejection and all that — but ask anyway.  I’ve had my share of “No,” but I can tell you that I have been surprised by the ones who’ve said “yes.”  You just never know till you ask.  Dating can even be more fun then sitting home watching reruns of Star Trek.

2. Remember; a date is a date is a date. It’s not a marriage proposal or a commitment; it’s just a date.  Go out, get to know her, let her get to know you, and have fun.

3. Relax!  Just have fun. Don’t be so serious. 

4. Plan.  If you ask her out and she says yes, you have the responsibility to put some effort in to organizing the date.  Don’t just pick her up and ask her what she’d like to do. She wants to know that you think enough of her not only to ask her out, but also to plan a fun and enjoyable time. It’s not all that hard, and it’s a great way to get other dates.

5. Ask her out. She really may want to get to know you better. Gals are much more subtle than guys. If it doesn’t interfere with the game, or have wheels and an engine, we guys often just don’t get it. We are oblivious to the signals the gals are sending. So ask!

6. Having said the above, realize that No means No! It doesn’t mean, “I’ m just kidding,” it doesn’t mean, “I really want you do it anyway,” it doesn’t mean, “I’m just teasing.” No means No. If she says no kissing, don’t try to kiss her. If she says, “I don’t want to go out with you,” smile, say ok, and walk away. If she says, “I don’t want to do this or that,” don’t do this or that. You would think it’s a simple rule to remember, but I can’t begin to tell you the number of horror stories the sisters have told me about the ‘nice guy’ who didn’t understand what no means. If you want to go out again, if you want to date other girls, if you don’t want to be shunned at group activities, remember that when she says, “No,” that’s what she means!

6. Talk to her during the date. If you have to, think of things to talk about before you pick her up, but don’t just sit there like a dummy. Ask her about herself, chit chat, share a story or two. But do talk to her.

7. Don’t talk about other girls. This is a time for her and you. Few things can kill a date as fast as talking more about someone else than you do about her. Don’t talk about your ex-girlfriend or ex-wife unless your date asks, and even then, don’t bad mouth your ex. You’ll come across sounding bitter, hateful, or pathetic 

8. Guys gossip too. Don’t!

9. Be up front and honest. If you don’t want to be exclusive, don’t act like you do. If you want to date others, don’t lead her on. This also means to be yourself. We all want to make a good impression — just make sure it’s you and not someone your Mother wouldn’t recognize. The real you will come out anyway, no sense hiding it.

Thanks to Dave for some great advice for the guys.  We could tell you the same thing, but it always sounds better coming from someone who knows what it’s like to be you. 

Final Thought, by Oscar Wilde: “Men always want to be a woman's first love — women like to be a man’s last romance."

Thanks and have a great week!