Girl meets Boy. Boy smiles, flirts, chats, pursues. A ball is born. Girl is happy. Girl smiles, flirts, chats, and tosses ball firmly into the hands of Boy. Boy gracefully accepts the ball.
Boy being boy, it is now his prerogative to not toss ball back too quickly. Wouldn't want to rush the romance, right? Or wouldn't want to send Girl a signal? It's hard to tell. Boy holds ball firmly, but when ready, he very determinedly lobs ball onto Girl's side of court. Girl is happy. Girl smiles, flirts, chats, retrieves ball, and using all of her womanly wiles, plants the ball firmly back on Boy's side of court. There the sad little ball remained, completely ignored by Boy until this column was written.
We here at A Single Thought are big believers in the "he's just not that into you" and "the ball is in your court" theories of dating. We admit we weren't always so simple and accommodating. Like most women, we have endured our fair share of years obsessing, stalking, whining, and pining, and indulging in a little ice cream therapy. But somewhere in there, it finally had to be done for the sake of our stomach ulcers, and we learned to stop worrying so much and just move on. Of course having a column to vent your frustrations and commiserate with singles around the world helps considerably.
The truth of these theories can bring great comfort, relief, and simplicity at times, but still the question remains: when do you just let it go? When do you give them a chance to come through for you? ("Them" being a member of the opposite sex incapable of making the point clearly and politely that the ball bounced out of the court and he/she has no intention of retrieving it.)
Everything has been great so far. All is going well. No signs of trouble ahead at all. But it is all still very initial and simple. And then they turn into Houdini and just vanish, and you're left choking on the cloud of smoke they vanished in. Nothing. No clue as to why. You can make excuses for them - busy, weekend, work, etc. And you do know that in this case it is all true. It isn't reaching to make those excuses for him.
But if he were "into you," he would have found the time, right? If you initiate contact, are you a stalker? The ball was clearly left in his court. Has he just not been back to the court lately? ‘Cause there's been bad weather, and maybe that kept him away from the playing field?
It's possible. But if he really liked that ball a little bad weather wouldn't have stopped him from going back to get it. Or was he looking the other direction and just didn't see the ball drop squarely in front of him? Or is the weather just fine and the ball is being intentionally left alone in the middle of the field while he decides whether or not he wants it? Or worse, did he see the ball fall there and then just kicked it off the field?
Wait, what sport are we playing here?
Obviously tennis should be the sport of dating - after all, it uses the term "love!" Balls get tossed back and forth, back and forth, until finally someone sprains their neck, and they meet at the net, kiss, and live happily ever after, right?
So why does dating feel more like dodge ball? First you have to stand there and agonizingly get sized up by the other team, and then dodge balls coming out you from all of the wrong directions. Finally the right player with the right ball comes up to the line, throws the ball, and hits the person standing right next to you, taking both of them out of the game. Or worse yet, you never get picked to be on a team and you watch as your friends get hit over and over again with those big red balls, leaving them with big red welts and bruises, and you wonder if the game is really worth it.
And we're not even going to touch all of the baseball and dating analogies. They are just too overdone.
No matter what sport you think it is, "he's just not that into you" and the "ball is in his court" never really do work, do they? Take this completely true story for example. Girl meets Boy. They flirt. They casually date. Valentine's Day arrives. No date. Not surprised. 7:30 p.m. on Valentine's Day the following text message arrives from Boy. "What are you up to? Wanna grab a bite to eat?"
Girl had left ball in Boy's court. He failed to return it in a timely fashion. When there was no date set for Valentine's Day, one would safely assume Boy would not be returning the ball.
Attention all potential players: a text message on Valentine's Day does not in any way, shape, or form qualify as returning the ball. Come on! Talk about sending messages the wrong way!!! If Girl has assumed the game was over, he sure sent the wrong message.
A text message on Valentine's Day does not send a positive ball back into the other court. It just says, "I like you, enjoy your company, and have no idea what romance is. Give up on me now." Men, women, send the ball back, send a text message on any day other than V-Day or a birthday, send up a smoke signal, call, bring nachos, whatever! Just send your message loud and clear!
Furthermore, one more reason why "the ball is in his court" just doesn't work anymore is because dating isn't a game. Sports are games. Dating is not a sport. Or is it? Is this what dating has become? Just one big never ending game? When you finally get to be the star player and master all of the moves, you've just finished your last game?
So take it from us. Be yourself. Do what comes natural. Don't play by Rules, analogies, or anyone else's theories on dating. Just do what you want to do. And if your roommate/friend/mother/father/sister/brother/mission companion tell you that you are doing it wrong, kindly send them a link to this article. Just be yourself. You can't win playing someone else's game.
Thanks!
A Hot Topic
Thanks goes to Nathan this week, who sent us an email about a lesson he gave the elders in his EQ about the way we talk about each other. Have you ever rated people on how good a kisser he or she is? Stopped dating someone because you don't care for the way they kiss? He told us he took his quorum to task for discussing how good or bad a kisser a girl is, not just in general but in the halls at church. Yikes! Way to go, Nathan.He equated rating a person's kissing using a cookie story. Would you judge the quality of a cookie by the plate the treat was on? Does the plate have anything to do with the flavor? So he warned his quorum likewise.
He said, "The vast majority of the girls we date, we're not going to marry. And that doesn't mean it was a waste of time at all; it means they were important people in our lives who helped us prepare to meet our wives. But the question is, when they tell stories about us to their husbands, are they going to be good stories or bad stories? Dating is a spiritual endeavor, and we can expect the Lord's help. He is very interested in what we're doing at this stage in our lives. We can act like the Savior would in our shoes, and we can do this the right way - in a Christ-like way."
This brings up an interesting topic. He's absolutely right that it's tacky to kiss and tell, especially in the halls at church. But would you break up with someone based solely on how well you thought he or she kissed? Please share your thoughts! We can always be reached at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.
Thanks, and have a great week!
