My dog Willy is experienced in all things social. His rules are simple. He stands on our back porch and he barks. If he knows you, his bark is friendlier. If you are a stranger, he barks ferociously.
It seems that for many humans, including well-meaning members of the church, political discussions often feel more like territorial dog fights than uplifting, civil discussions. The candidates and the many issues of this political season have stirred up more than a few earnest discussions. I wonder if we, as Latter-Day Saints, are positively adding to the discussion. I worry that many of us may be offending others, even our fellow church members, more than helping them ‘see the truth’ of our convictions. I believe the Lord expects more from us than ferocious back-porch barking as we discuss our political opinions.
If you discuss politics online, especially in LDS-oriented groups, you might recognize the following examples: “It is clear to anyone with a brain that . . .” or “You can’t seriously believe that . . .” or It’s obvious if you’ve studied this subject that . . .” When we use these or other statements like them, we are communicating that we think little of others’ ability to think and judge correctly. I haven’t seen members of the church cussing out each other online, as is common in other forums. However, this doesn’t stop us from insulting one another.
Like the people and the dogs that pass by my back porch and hear my dog barking, those we aim even subtle insults at either ignore us or they bark back to see if they can be louder and more ferocious. What never happens, it seems, is a helpful exchange of ideas. My dog, at least, has never come in from the porch looking wiser for his efforts, though he does sometimes look quite satisfied with his work to intimidate the neighbors.
With so much at stake in our own cities, states, and nations, let us resolve to positively add to political discussions rather than merely barking at those that pass by. It is critical that we learn to engage others in ways that honor their opinions and honestly express our own ideas. If we engage others with respect, perhaps they, too, will stop barking long enough to listen.
I use the following guidelines for my own political discussions. I believe they allow me to learn, share, and expand my understanding of the issues at hand. I share them hoping that If we follow these guidelines our political discussions can be both respectful and of great value.
#1) Examine Your Intentions: First, we must examine our intentions before posting to a political discussion on social media or other online forum (The same is also true of face-to-face discussions). Often, some of the ideas I encounter online cause me to react strongly, either because I agree or more often because I disagree. Before I hit “reply” I find I need to ask myself if I am just spoiling for a fight. If I’m in a confrontational mood, maybe I need to avoid politics for a bit. However, if I can take a deep breath, or three, and remember who I am and who the people are that I am talking to, I allow myself to draft a comment or response.
#2) Slow Down: Second, I need to take things slowly. Most social media apps live right on our phones these days. We have nearly instant updates and we can make instant responses and therefore make instant mistakes. There are times I find myself furiously typing away before I realize that I need to take a more respectful approach. Even if I agree with someone, I can add fuel to the fire if my agreement adds to the general message of, “yeah, I think you’re an idiot, too.” Even when I agree, I try to show respect, especially if the original author didn’t. Sometimes the original comment is so rude that it is beyond the reach of civility. I simply avoid these. If I am disagreeing with someone, I find I often need to rephrase my ideas and clarify my thoughts before hitting reply. Often, I delete my reply before posting it because I realize that I am not adding or helping anyone understand my sincere opinions. “Delete” is always a good option. No response is always better than a disrespectful one. (Yes, it is difficult to stop barking halfway in, but you’ll be happier if you do.)
#3) Be Open to Others’ Ideas: Third, remember that we often try to soften our criticism of another person’s ideas or opinions with glancing blows. We say something like, “Nice try, but . . .” or “In theory that works, but . . .” Our real message is that we are rejecting their idea and now we want to share why they are wrong. I believe that we need to take the time to really understand what the other person is saying and why and then share our ideas in a respectful way. To do this, we might instead say, “Interesting idea. I don’t think I can agree though. As I might have missed something important, what are your reasons for supporting this?” This second example takes more patience and effort to write, but it invites others to think more deeply about what is being discussed. By sharing new information to consider, you may help the other person understand your side of the issue more clearly. You may also want to ask if you are ready to read something they share? If this all sounds like more work than it is worth, you may need to do as I have found myself doing some evenings. I return to my first point, consider my frame of mind and then walk away. If I’m not ready to open myself to others ideas, I know I’m not going to add anything useful to the conversation.
#4) Give Others the Benefit of the Doubt: Finally, remember that we need to give those we disagree with the benefit of the doubt. This can be uncomfortable. Just barking and dancing around the porch is definitely easier, but it will not help you, me, or anyone else make a positive difference in the world. To give someone we disagree with the benefit of the doubt, we must treat them as though we are sure they have a good reason for disagreeing with us, one that we simply don’t see. We can even help the other person clarify their point if they are struggling to do so. You may find, as I have, that doing this with sincerity is challenging; but, it helps me examine my intentions. This practice is uncomfortable. Discomfort, however, is a key ingredient of charity. Patience, kindness, and long-suffering all share a degree of discomfort. If we are willing to stretch beyond the boundaries of comfortable, we will find exciting new ideas, greater clarity of our own thoughts, and even joy in interacting with others.
Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles recently said, “We should also remember not to be part of the current meanness. We should communicate about our differences with a minimum of offense.[1]”
Remember that insults, indirect or direct, will never, NEVER, persuade someone to see things from your perspective. Human beings most often give what they receive from others. If I tell you a joke, you will often find a joke of your own to share with me. If I criticize you, you will likely criticize me in return, mentally or verbally. If I make it clear that I respect you even if I disagree with your ideas, you will naturally want to return that respect to me. It takes courage and strength to respond with respect and kindness when someone attacks us or our ideas. If we can’t respond to an attack with dignity or if the other person doesn’t respond to our respectful thoughts, we can simply walk away. It is always easier to agree with like-minded individuals than it is to engage in a meaningful way with those we disagree with; but, the extra effort is worth it. We will have more meaningful discussions with others and we will positively influence the way others interact. Good examples are powerful and sorely needed.
So, in this critical season of political thought and discussion, may we do our best to make all of our interactions with others respectfully honest and uncomfortably charitable. If you see a post of mine online, remember to go easy on me while I continue to learn and grow. If we catch each other ‘barking on the back porch,’ often a good example will serve as a gentle reminder that there is a better way to change the conversation from pointless to powerful.
Authors Note: You can follow Tom and his wife Julie’s blog at https://higherattitudes.com, where pre-registration for their free marriage webinar “Criticism to Kindness” is also available.
[1] https://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/elder-oaks-addresses-elections-hope-freedom-byu
Scott HinrichsSeptember 19, 2016
If incivility and un-Christian behavior is the price of political success, then I suggest that such so-called success is not worth the cost.
mary jane fritzenSeptember 16, 2016
good food for thought