Editor’s note: This is the ninth and final chapter of the book Deliverance. If you missed the introduction and chapter 1 of this book, you can read them here. Please feel free to respond to any of the authors through G.G.’s website at www.GGVandagriff.com.
The question that confronted me when I was well was, Now what? The Lord has healed you. You have a life. You can do things now that you could never do before. Suddenly, I was consumed with the desire similar to Alma’s when he wished that he were an angel and could cry the Lord’s redeeming grace to the whole world.
The vertical aspect of the atonement – that relationship between my Savior and me – was in place. Now I understood the compelling next step – the horizontal aspect – reaching out to others. Sharing the atonement with my brothers and sisters, bringing them to the sweet healing that I had received, helping them to change from the inside out.
I remembered President Hinckley’s response to 9/11. It was something like, “We are living in troubled times; we need to get to work.” When viewed in that light, all the tragedies in the world have a single solution – coming to Christ.
During my depression, I was frequently troubled by the concept of Weltschmerz, the German term for “world pain.” I didn’t want to live in this world of pain for one more moment.
At one such time, I was writing a novel about World War I. It was wrenching my heart. I couldn’t even imagine the pain of the world at a time when half a million people could be killed in one day (the battle of Verdun) for absolutely no discernible purpose. Trench warfare was hell on earth.
In the novel, my character was suffering from shell shock, but because of fear that he was a coward, he forced himself to go back to the Front and sacrificed himself there. My entire chest ached and tears were constantly hovering just behind my eyes. How could my heroine possibly deal with this loss?
I was she. I was twenty years old and alone in a cold townhouse in Berlin with a mother-in-law who had just committed suicide at the news of the loss of her only son. I was practically catatonic with sorrow. Then, in my real life, I remember bending over the dryer to take some clothes out, when a voice clearly came into my head – “G.G., you do not have to carry this load. There is only One who can carry it and He already has. Because of Him, death is not the ultimate tragedy. The ultimate tragedy lies in not being who you were born to become.”
That burden lifted. The Savior had taken care of it. Now, in my wellness, I was reminded of this experience. Horrible things are happening and threatening at every turn, and yet we have hope for a better world in the atonement. Our mission is to help change one heart at a time.
I began to ponder the second half of that revelation – “the ultimate tragedy lies in not being who you were born to become.” Who was I born to become? I got out my patriarchal blessing and reread it. There were some startling and very specific directions in it. I began to think about writing again. I needed to reach out in some way. Could I do it?
About this time, Maurine Jensen Proctor, editor of Meridian Magazine called me. I had for some time been a columnist for the magazine, writing articles about genealogy, but had stopped because of my depression. She wanted to know if I felt well enough to resume. I told her the only thing I wanted to write about now was the atonement. She said, “Fine – write monthly about the atonement.” And so I have. Sometimes more than monthly! Opportunities have presented themselves at every turn.
Then one day while I was in the Celestial Room of the temple, I had a dim memory of a sequel to my previously published mysteries, Cankered Roots and Of Deadly Descent, which I had begun sometime in the nebulous past. When I went home, I asked my husband if we could search the old computer files for something to do with “Alex.” (That was my heroine’s name.) We looked around, and sure enough, there was a twelve-year-old file called Alex3 and another called Alex4.
We had moved twice in those twelve years and I didn’t even know how much of them would be intact. David tried to pull them up, but they were written with an outdated word processing program. Being a computer guru, he spent some time and was able was able with some difficulty to translate them into something my computer could deal with.
I pushed the print button. Before I knew it, I was feeding the printer reams of paper. When it finally shut off, I held in my hands a complete mystery novel and the first three chapters of a sequel to that one! I had absolutely no recollection of having written them. I had to read the completed novel through to the very end to find out who the bad guy was. It was an extremely odd experience.
I decided that the novel needed a lot of work, but that there was a good opening there for showing how the atonement heals families. I called my former editor and she was very encouraging. So I went to work. I was a bit tentative at first, unsure of myself and my abilities, but to my amazement after some intense work, my writing ability began to return. I am no Tolstoy, to be sure, but my writing had actually improved during my extended period of illness. It was such a joy to be using my talents again!
That book eventually became Tangled Roots, which was published in May, 2007. It was shortly followed by another novel, The Arthurian Omen, which was published for the general audience. I had found the first 84 pages of this with no plot summary on my computer, as well.
In fact, there are other unfinished works on the computer – all written during my years of distress and despair. All were waiting for the critical ingredient – an understanding of the atonement. They are like abandoned children, and I can’t wait to raise them to maturity.
My only desire is for the Lord to use me as an instrument so that others will not have to endure what I went through. I have been able to help others in my family and in the ward, as well as friends of my children because of my experience.
When you really begin to grasp the reality of the atonement, it fills you with peace and a sense of purpose that light a fire in your soul. It is the only solution to the troubles that plague individuals, families, countries, and the world.
Working with all our might to bring this solution to others by using our unique gifts and talents is truly the work of a lifetime. It is what we were born to do.
“For behold this is my work and my glory – to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.” (Moses 1:39) When we are engaged in the horizontal aspect of the atonement with our brothers and sisters, Christ’s work becomes our work.
So. How do we find out what it is we were born to do? Some people I know have founded an orphanage in Haiti. Others go down to Mexico on a regular basis and build homes for the homeless. One of my best friends is a wonderful mother to fifteen children. What is your talent, your mission?
We all must start with our own salvation, our own individual relationship to the Savior. We need to have a clear understanding and an individual experience with the Savior and his atonement so we can testify with power. If you feel you have not yet had that, I would recommend four things.
-
Prayer. Pray to the Lord in specifics to enable you to overcome the natural man through His grace. This means the trials of the natural man as well as the temptations and proclivities. Pray for a change of heart. It is a daily, hourly thing. Prayer in the temple is especially efficacious. Prayerfully read your patriarchal blessing. Pray to be shown your opportunities, talents, and abilities. Don’t stop.
- Study. In the appendix of this book is a list of many readings you can do to increase your understanding of this complex doctrine. I doubt that any of us can fully understand “the awful arithmetic of the atonement” (Neal A. Maxwell), but the Lord can reveal to us through study what we need to know at this time in our lives. As we mature in the gospel, new things will come to light, and our love for the Savior will grow until it fills our whole lives. This is, indeed, a study for a lifetime.
- Journal. As you pray and study, write your feelings and inspirations. The author of a book called The Artist’s Way claims that if we write three pages upon arising each morning, before we have even had a chance to have coherent thought, we will find our Creator and the creator within us. I have found this to be true. Amazing things are revealed to us in morning thoughts. We have not yet had time to dress them the way they “ought” to be. They tell us where we really are. And out of them arises a wholeness of person. We are not afraid to have inspiration. We are not afraid to dream. Eventually, a pattern will reveal itself to you, in conjunction with your reading and praying. The Lord will direct your life so that you are living it abundantly in service to Him.
In the back of this book is a journal, with trigger quotes from the scriptures and the Brethren. It is provided for you to use as a tool in your personal study.
- Attend the Temple. Experience together with Adam and Eve the filling of the Divine Void. Also experience the intimacy of Christ’s sacrifice for you individually. In a DVD entitled “Between Heaven and Earth” President Boyd K. Packer reminds us that upon Christ’s crucifixion the very first thing to occur was that the veil of the temple was “rent in twain.” I always thought this was a symbol of Heavenly Father’s displeasure at the crucifixion of his Son. But President Packer tells us that this was rather a symbol that Christ’s sacrifice had breached the veil between heaven and earth. For the first time, mortal man had the opportunity to go through the veil, back into the presence of his Heavenly Father.
The temple veil is literally the most sacred place on earth. In His sacred house, we can receive revelation. We can pray miracle-producing prayers. We can secure the eternal future of our loved ones who have passed beyond the veil. By partaking of holy ordinances, we can literally walk “in the footsteps” of our Savior.
Through an understanding of the atonement in our lives, we can each experience our own divine “deliverance,” and proclaim with Alma: “And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold: yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!” (Alma 36:20) It is at this point that the Lord will reveal to us how we can best serve him, how we can spend our lives in spreading the good news of the atonement to all of God’s children.
My life is not without challenge or difficulty. In mortality, we are climbing the steps to the throne of our Savior’s grace. But He is our lifeline, and that makes all the difference.
Part Five: Personal Study of the Atonement
Appendix of Suggested Readings on the Atonement
Scriptures: The Great Atonement Sermons
2 Nephi 9 (Jacob)
Mosiah 3-5 (King Benjamin)
Mosiah 13-16 (Abinadi)
Alma5 (Alma to the people of Zarahemla)
Alma 7 (Alma to the people of Gideon)
Alma 34 (Amulek)
Alma 36 (Alma to Helaman)
Alma 40 (Alma to Corianton)
Articles and Addresses from the General Authorities
“The Atonement: All for All,” Elder Bruce C. Hafen, Ensign, May, 2004.
“Beauty for Ashes: The Atonement of Jesus Christ,” Elder Bruce C. Hafen, Ensign, April, 1997.
“Come Unto Christ,” Elder Henry B. Eyring, Fireside Address, 29 Oct. 1989.
“Receiving Divine Assistance through the Grace of the Lord,” Elder Gene R. Cook, Ensign, May, 1993.
“The Message: The Grace of the Lord,” Elder Gene R. Cook, New Era, December 1988.
“The Mediator,” Elder Boyd K. Packer, Ensign, May 1977, p. 56.
“In the Strength of the Lord,” Elder David A. Bednar, Ensign, November, 2004.
“Broken Things to Mend,” Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, Ensign, May, 2006.
“The Atonement: Our Greatest Hope,” President James E. Faust, Ensign, November, 2001.
“Justification and Sanctification,” Elder D. Todd Christofferson, Ensign, June, 2001.
“Redemption through Jesus Christ after All We Can Do,” President Ezra Taft Benson, Tambuli, December, 1988.
Books
Callister, Tad R., The Infinite Atonement: Deseret Book.
Eyring, Henry B., Because He First Loved Us: Deseret Book.
Ferrell, James, The Peacegiver: Deseret Book
Hafen, Bruce C., The Broken Heart, The Believing Heart, The Belonging Heart: Deseret Book
Millet, Robert L., After All We Can Do … Grace Works: Deseret Book
Robinson, Stephen, Believing Christ: Deseret Book
Skinner, Andrew C.
, Gethsemane: Deseret Book