Family

Two weeks ago, Leah in Washington  wrote in to ask how church members are raising their children in a chaotic world. Most Meridian readers were so focused on turkey and family reunions that they didn’t respond last week, but we have a few more responses this week. Let’s see what these readers have to say before we hop on to another column next time out:

I thought about writing before, but wasn’t sure that my message would help others. Reading what was posted today , I think I’d have liked to hear a story like mine so I would be a little more aware, so here is my experience.

I raised one child as a single mother out of the Church until he and I both joined when he was 15. He served a mission and married a returned missionary in the temple, and I basked in the glow of LDS achievement.

Before his baptism my son had lived a very worldly lifestyle, and there were several major issues he needed to change to bring his lifestyle in line with the Church standards. Our family has a history of alcoholism, and I do strongly feel that our Church membership has helped him resist the temptations that might have taken him down that path, and I know we have both been richly blessed through our membership.

I was lucky to marry again and to have two stepchildren who attended church with us every other weekend when we had visitation privileges. They were anxious to be baptized, but their nonmember mother, the custodial parent, withheld permission until, she said, their 12th birthday. When those dates approached, she said they should wait until they were 14, and later again extended her acceptable date until they were 16.

At that point they were no longer interested in joining the Church, partly because of her opposition. The kids were both very well educated in the gospel and I do feel that they benefitted from understanding the Church standards, but more importantly in knowing that Heavenly Father and their Savior love them deeply.

They are no longer living Church standards, but they are confident, happy adults. My stepdaughter recently told me of a visit she made to another church where they had a Jumbo-tron showing the orchestra and vocal performers. Her comment was that there was no room to feel the Spirit there, so I know that they remember both what they’ve been taught about the gospel and what they felt in their hearts.

My husband and I have a child together, the first for either of us to be born in the covenant. We were so happy and excited to learn Primary songs with him and teach him the gospel the way we always wished we could have with our older children. He is a special, sweet spirit who always had a strong faith that was an example to the whole family on many occasions.

He’s 17 now, and he is living Church standards. I count that as an important blessing in anyone’s life. To my great grief, however, hr has now decided that the Church is not for him. He doesn’t want to serve a mission, and says that the Mormon families he knows have raised “weird” kids who are overly sheltered and who act “strange” and who don’t know how to interact in the general population but thrive only inside their own little comfort zone (read: Mormon community).

We’re still in the throes of this recent development, and of course I am praying and hoping for a change in his heart.

Sadly, at about the same time, my older son’s temple marriage has come to an end after 17 years. Sometimes it seems that all we believed and hoped for our family has ended and ended very badly. Our hearts are completely broken for him and for his five children, our grandchildren.

I guess what I wanted to say is that as parents our focus must be on following the commandments of the Lord and the words of our Prophets as we raise our children. I was glad to read your first response in today’s column, and I agree with you that the writer is raising their children in a heavenly family.

Of course no amount of careful parenting guarantees a “good” outcome, and many faithful members of the Church have children who have fallen away and who live their lives outside of the Spirit’s influence, apparently not drawing upon the divine love that is always waiting for their knock on the door.

As we parents adhere to the guidance given to us in the scriptures and in the teachings of our Church leaders, we can feel some comfort that no matter how our children decide to use their agency, they’ve been given a “firm foundation” and they will know that the Savior’s love is there for them always.

Reflecting over my own very different childhood, I know that the security of the Church standards has made a very big difference in my children’s lives, no matter what path they ultimately choose. I know it helped me as a parent to have the power available to me through prayer and fasting and through the scriptures along with the wonderful resources offered by the Church.

A child who is confident that he or she is consistently, unconditionally loved and understands his or her own infinite value to both parents and God is as well prepared as possible to weather the challenges and opportunities that might be presented in this life. I’m so grateful for my opportunity to be a mother in Zion and for the experiences that my membership in the Church has brought me that enrich my abilities and strengthen me in my role as a parent.

I know that when I put aside my own discouragement, self-doubt and negativism, I am able to give my children the love and support that my Father in Heaven wants for them. That’s an enormous blessing that I am truly grateful for.

Jackie

Thanks for sharing your story, Jackie. I agree with you. No matter what paths your children eventually choose, they do have a bedrock that many other young people don’t have. As your daughter’s observation showed, they can recognize the Spirit and they can sense its absence. That is a skill that will help anyone navigate the perils of today’s world.

I don’t have children, but I am always concerned about what kind of education children are receiving. I looked at the website for Common Core after reading the complaint about it from one of your readers.

To me it appears to be a great program, ensuring that our children learn how to read and write well and have an understanding of mathematics. It has nothing to do with the teaching of sex education or the values of China or evolution, and I wonder why she thought that.

It is very important that today’s children learn how to read and understand what they read. Will they read things that are about different values than those they have? Of course. But to survive in today’s world, they must understand today’s world.

Hopefully, good parents will teach them Gospel values and they will be able to use those values and the gift of the Holy Ghost which they received at confirmation to discern right from wrong, no matter what they are taught at school. Some schools may choose to teach ideas that are totally against our values, but that has nothing to do with Common Core.

Sharee

Sharee, I wondered about Common Core just as you did. Just a perusal of the website didn’t show anything scary about it.

But the very next letter I read after yours contained a link from the person who expressed fears about Common Core. She even included a link to a five-part video that she says will show you more than the Common Core website what Common Core is really all about. Here’s her note:

This 5 part video gives a clear step by step clarification of the COMMON CORE program which is already underway in many states. Note this is a quick 5 PART VIDEO presentation.  

Sharon DiLuvio

Thanks for the link, Sharon. I haven’t listened to the series of videos, seeing as how I’m writing a column tonight. But I’m sure Sharee and many others will listen to this and will see why the Common Core standards have you so alarmed.

I was not raised intheChurch and I see huge advantages in those who were. The church teaches how to lead and how to follow. From a very young age members have leaders who are doing their best, but who are not chosen by ability. As a result we see people develop abilities we never knew they had, and we also sometimes have to follow people who are not great at their job.

A good follower sustains the leadership and finds ways to help rather than undermine. If we are clever, we can also learn to make people think things are their idea, when they were not, just to get things done and not worry about who gets credit. My husband is extremely good at this, and it has helped him tremendously in his work. The world teaches us that getting credit is one of the most important things.

We learn that all jobs have equal value as they are part of the whole. This is teamwork at its best.

Naturally public speaking and leading meetings, giving public prayers and such, help us out later on.

There are far bigger advantages to growing up in the Church. A friend of mine years ago had grown up in a very active family with dark secrets. She and her brothers were horribly abused. She tried to tell her bishop, but he did not believe her as the family looked great on the outside.

She paid attention to the teachings, held fast, and as soon as she got out of her home when she married a good man at 17, her life kept getting better. Later, with the help of a great LDS therapist, life improved even more. She told me once that keeping a journal saved her sanity.

Later I met others with similar circumstances. I have also known others who blamed the Church in similar situations and fell away through blaming the Gospel in order to not blame their own families for what they did, but for those who pay attention eternity is open to them.

I wish we did not have such things going on in LDS homes, but as long as Satan is loose on this earth we will. A deep understanding of the Gospel gives us a foundation of security which is valuable above all.

Happy to Raise My Kids LDS

Thanks for listing some of the advantages, Happy. From the little things like keeping a journal to the big things like learning to lead and learning to follow, the Church teaches skills that people may otherwise never learn skills that are vital in helping anyone navigate this perilous life. Although I never got the opportunity to raise children in the Church, I see what it does to the young people in our ward, and I am extremely grateful for the principles and programs that are found in the gospel.

Next week we have a new topic. If you have any suggestions for future topics, please send them to Me**************@ao*.com. DO NOT USE THE FORM ON THIS PAGE, OR YOUR EMAIL IS LIKELY TO GET LOST. Click on the above link and write a regular email to the address. Put something in your subject line to let me know your letter isn’t spam.

Until next week

Kathy

“Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, thewon’ts.

Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me… Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”

Shel Silverstein

Want more Kathryn H. Kidd? Visit www.planetkathy.com to read her blog and get free stuff. Kathy also has a weekly column at the Nauvoo Times (www.nauvootimes.com).