Today I took a long walk in the woods with my dog. It was a beautiful and perfect afternoon. I brought my camera and a book and made myself comfortable on a bench for a few hours. It really was lovely. But I can’t say “it was all I could have wanted,” because as I sat there on the bench, overlooking a beautiful valley, basking in my personal perfect day, all I could think about was how much I wanted there to be a special someone sitting beside me. How I longed for a meaningful conversation with a special someone. How if the right person were beside me I could put my head on his shoulder, and hold his hand, and just gaze on that view forever. But the bench was empty beside me.
I’m single. Very single. And there are many days when I wonder if there will ever be a special someone to sit beside me again. There are days when I question what I did to deserve to be single. Is this punishment for some sin I have committed? How much longer until I have repented? Is this the life my Heavenly Father wants for me? Will I ever have children? Will that bench forever be empty because of some choice I don’t remember making? And I am not alone in my fears and concerns.
Questions of “Why am I still single?” “Why doesn’t anyone love me?” “Why does he get to be married and not me?” “How can she be married twice and I still haven’t found one husband?” “I’ve prayed for it and I’m a good person, so why hasn’t the Lord sent me an eternal companion?” “How am I ever supposed to fit in at church when it is all about families, and I don’t have one?” “Why should I have to sit through another lesson about parenting when I’ll probably never be a parent myself?” “Why should I go to another ward activity geared toward children and families? I won’t fit in,” and so many other questions of doubt are common and not unusual in the minds of an unmarried member of the Church.
The Truth Hurts
Singles often feel alienated or left out of the general membership of the Church. Without children, or without spouses, what place is there for them at ward activities that are so often family oriented? When lessons and advice are given regarding strengthening family relationships, what do they have to offer to the lesson or to take away from it?
But maybe the most difficult part of being single, particularly for those individuals who have passed the more culturally traditional younger years of courtship and have entered into their thirties, forties, and older, is wondering why I have not found a spouse? Why have I not been so blessed? “Am I so hard to love? What’s wrong with me? Am I not faithful enough? Why doesn’t anyone want me?” All of these questions can be painful and difficult to ask, and at times can lead to an individual’s slow departure from activity within the Church, where so many discussions revolve around eternal marriage, faithfulness, and endurance.
Elder Neal Maxwell in his book “And These Things Shall Give Thee Experience,” counseled that we are not being punished when we do not receive that which we desire. Sometimes the Lord has other plans for us. It is our job to do our best, and be happy, no matter what the situation. I would like to think that the alternative to not getting married and being a mother should be a high-paying job with lots of adventure and excitement. Sadly, this does not seem to be the plan for me either.
The Secret to Happiness
To find happiness and contentment in our lives, no matter our situation, is often the ultimate challenge. Whether it be the family dealing with financial downturn, or an infertile couple longing for a child, or the desperate desire to find love and a mate, the challenge is to find “joy in the journey,” even when the journey is not the one we expected or wanted to take.
President Thomas S. Monson said it this way, “This is our one and only chance at mortal life-here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief.
Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not.
I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey-now.”
So singles, I ask you this- are you finding joy in the journey? Are you happy? Are you living your life to the fullest, in spite of the fact that maybe you are not living the life you want to have? It can be hard. It can be really hard. It hurts going to church on Sunday and sitting alone. It hurts sitting in Relief Society listening to a lesson on parenting or love at home or when someone talks about the joys of marriage. And nothing is more irritating when a young bride half your age tearfully says,”I prayed so long and hard and waited for so long to find the right man.” All you can think is, “Honey, I’ll show you what waiting forever feels like!” How is it possible to be happy and find joy in the journey when cards seem to be stacked against you?
Elder Maxwell described these challenges as one of the “hard doctrines” of the Gospel. He quoted author C.S. Lewis in this regard, “Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently, He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of – throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace.”
Being Single is NOT a Curse!!
Being single is not a curse, or an affliction. It is not a trial that you must “overcome.” Your life, your mission, your Plan, is not a trial! It is simply that the Lord has other desires for you. What role has He carved out for you? What do you have to offer? The Lord knows you, your talents, and has provided you with the circumstances so that you may do your best. It is not an accident that you were born at this time and place. You must find your self-worth and be an instrument in the Lord’s hands. “The worth of souls is great in the eyes of God.” There was no postscript that said “Except some will be worth more than others because they got married and raised a family. Through no fault of your own you will not be worth as much.” The Lord values you, and has put you in the situation where he needs you. Give yourself to the Lord so that you may be the person He needs you to be.
You must find your calling in life and magnify it. Some will be called to be mothers and fathers.
Others will not be held back by the constraints of a family so that they may serve in other ways to the wards, communities, and even the world around them. Being single is not a limitation or condemnation. It is the opportunity to expand and do more, while living a Gospel-centered life. Marriage does not solve any one’s problems. Marriage alone will not make you happy. You must be happy with who you are above all else. Find joy in your journey!
If you have something to add, I hope you will email me at er**@me**************.com. Your feedback and input is always welcome.
Next month we will be discussing, “When Dating Loses All Appeal- what to do next.” Do you have something to share? Please tell me about it!
And now we turn to the Peanut Gallery for some real life stories from some real life LDS singles. Enjoy!
Stories From Real Singles- just like you and me!
From John Gilbert, divorced, 40, Payson, Utah-
Single people can have a really positive experience living in a married ward.
Sometimes, though, you have to be willing to go the extra mile.
Being single means I have the extra time to be a blessing in the lives of the members of my ward. I live in a great ward filled with awesome families. My ward includes me in activities and several sisters make sure I know about activities that include the whole ward but are only announced in Relief Society. They do it because they found in me someone they want to include.
I was once asked to speak in Primary. I admit I was very nervous about it. Since then the kids come up to me to talk or give me hugs. Being a single active guy means I have to be careful at times with kids and families so that all our reputations are beyond reproach. But my life has been richer for the lessons I’ve learned from the kids in my ward.
I am active in the scouting in my ward, which allows me to go camping when I might not go by myself. It gives me the chance to share the skills I have with the youth in my ward. Also, I get the opportunity to meet their parents in new and different situations. And the greatest thing is to see my simple efforts help a young man to earn his Eagle Scout.
I teach priesthood a couple of times a month. Each time I teach, I bring a treat. That simple act has increased our attendance in elders quorum from 3-4 to 12-15 each week. And the leftover treat goes to the members of the ward I meet in the halls. It has developed into all sorts of opportunities to get to know people in my ward I might not normally talk to. I also get asked to bring things to ward parties which means I get to attend and be involved.
Every month I do my home teaching and then go beyond the lesson requirement. On their birthday, I bring a present to each of the people I home teach. Sometimes I find things a family member is interested in and I take the time to share it with them. Because they have gotten to know me, they invite me to all sorts of activities. We go camping with a group from the ward, watch movies together while they share their lives with me.
Being willing to do things for others helps me to lose myself and not worry about being single. I’ve found that being around the kind of people I would like to associate with if I was married has also brought some pretty fun dates with singles they know. Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I have to be a hermit and not be a part of my ward.
Tips
- Do your home teaching faithfully and go beyond just a lesson.
- Be very active in your ward
- Ask questions of the married sisters in your ward.
- Get out of your comfort zone.
- Volunteer to help.
- Be the sort of person others would want to include.
Shari Phippen, 32, single, Logan, Utah
My mother distinctly remembers me throwing a temper tantrum when I was young and she suggested that I might never get married. What girl wants to hear that? Yet here I am, 32 years 11 months and two weeks old, sitting on my bed on a Friday night, watching reruns.
When I was almost 30, I made the decision to stop going to a singles ward and make the leap to a “regular” ward. It has had its ups and downs, but I really love it. Forget about the awkward moments during lessons- the first Relief Society lesson I taught in a family ward was on the law of chastity! If you’re thinking about attending a family ward, do it – you don’t have to be married to make a casserole for a new mother, sing “The Wheels on the Bus” in nursery or teach young women how to tie a knot or build a fire.
While being single has definite downsides, being tied to only my own schedule is kind of great. If I want to stay in my pajamas all day because I can’t bear to put down the book I’m reading, I do it! If I want to eat a giant bowl of ice cream and cry my eyes out watching sad movies, I can! I love to travel- I’ve been able to tour a Civil War plantation, visit the grave of a family friend in Arlington National Cemetery, see a Broadway play, stand in the Pacific Ocean, and I dream of grand adventures and cinema-worthy romances in Europe.
I am only limited by myself (okay, and the limits of my pocketbook).
Someday, I’ll trade it all in for doing someone else’s laundry and the occasional late-night fall into the toilet because someone didn’t put down the toilet seat. This is not the life I had planned for myself, but it is mine and I am determined to make the most if it, and I cross my fingers that it works.
Karen, divorced, Albany, NY
I am a SA, have been both that and a YSA most of my life. I finally married at 39 to a man who converted to the gospel before I would marry him. We met online in 2000, yes back in the time when it was “ok” to go into a chatroom. I was so Romeo/Juliet in love with him, and he was in someways a very good man. We got to know SO very much about each other before we met (he was in Mississippi, I in New York) I felt as a BBW woman in this church it was a good fit. I have to say the sad reality of it is many LDS men do not want full figured women as their eternal mates. I say that after many years of experience. So my first comment is, Single LDS men, wise up, we BBW women have much to offer you so get off your high horses and get to know us.
Unfortunately 1 yr after I was married, I found out my husband had issues I was not aware of. Do I think in traditional dating I would have found out about these issues? No. But we weathered many storms in our marriage from mental illness (PTSD from sexual abuse as a teen), binge drinking alcoholism, a broken neck from a fall while working, then subsequence loss of income that involved and infertility. Through it all I felt my testimony grow as I clung to the iron rod and took solace in the scriptures and other Church-related reading materials. We finally were legally separated and divorced, but we spoke to each other frequently, and tried desperately to put back together what we felt was a bond formed by Heavenly Father.
He died in his sleep and I became a widow at 47. Being a legally separated single adult is a difficult situation in the church. You cannot attend SA activities and for valid reasons. But you don’t fit in with the marrieds, your heart is broken and yet you are isolated and alone. I was so blessed to have a wonderful visiting teacher who listened without judging and didn’t pry into my marital issues.
Being a widow is a whole other type of single. Finally I could attend SA activities, but who wanted to? I did not want to be reminded there was a dating world out there just yet and had so little in common with these people. Thank goodness not every activity was centered on marriage. I attended and enjoyed the spiritual ones. It was very hard to go to church. Families would ask me not to take up room in “their” row, sitting behind happy couples was too painful. So many of the songs and talks made me cry. Again, thank goodness for loyal home teachers and visiting teachers who bridged the gaps, inviting me to activities, sharing their children with me, taking me to a movie or for ice cream.
So here I am a year after my husband passed. I am looking for companionship online again, which seems to work best for me. I have a few very close friends, with whom I have begun dating. They are not members. They are interested in the church. They have grown children who will not be part of our everyday lives if these friendships develop into something more. They see me as a whole person of beauty inside and out, which I still cannot seem to find in the single men in the church I have met. They know and respect my stands on moral issues and feel the same ways. I still attend the few SA activities in my area I can afford. (almost $100 and 3 days off for a SA Conference? I just can’t)
Bottom line, I am responsible for my own salvation no matter what my marital status is.
To me that is my priority and I will continue to strive to do His will and serve others.
The rest is in His hands
Send your single stories to er**@me**************.com!