As singles it is often easy to lose our identities. When so many others around us (particularly women) define themselves as mothers and wives, it is hard to hold faith and confidence in your own single identity. I am not a mother, I am not a wife, but I hope to be those things some day. So who am I and what defines me?
Do you define your self-worth by the approval from others of your looks and performance? Is your personal value defined by your weight, the color of your hair, the money in the bank, the model year of your vehicle, your clothes, your house, your mate, or the company that you keep? Is this how you judge yourself? Is it how you judge others?
When our personal morale or self worth is down, we fail to remember the core, innate, beautiful things that define who we really are, and instead we attempt to look a part, and perform a role to persuade others to like us, approve of us, and to stamp a new label on us providing us with a new identity.
Living your life in such a way that you constantly seek approval from others, rather than living the way you believe in and doing what makes you happy creates much anxiety. We feel unsafe when our whole sense of worth hinges upon having control over getting others approval. We may even feel panicked when we fear making mistakes and running the risk of disapproval and rejection. We may find ourselves judging ourselves in our effort to get ourselves to look “right” or do things “right”.
When we allow others to define us we forget that the “worth of souls is great in the sight of God.” (D&C 18:10). We forget that oftentimes what makes our soul so valuable is not seen with physical eyes. Our souls are on the inside and are what truly defines who we are.
Unfortunately, as singles, what is on the inside is often overlooked, as people only focus on our relationship status. We tend to be treated as someone’s child, instead of as an adult. People are constantly trying to fix us, or tell us what we aren’t doing well enough. And when it comes to dating and meeting others, it can be hard to look past the outside layers, and get to know someone’s soul, making other singles our own worst enemies at times.
Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing that it is stupid. ~Albert Einstein
The most poisonous words in the English language are, “If I don’t, then “they” will think I am XYZ.” Why define yourself or care so much about what others may or may not ever really think about you? If you truly believe something has to be done, do it for yourself. Not because it is what others might say if you don’t!
Singles are often defined by what they are not (married with children) instead of for who they truly are. And then unfortunately, they start to believe it about themselves. “If I am not married then other people must think I am a loser.” I try not to define myself by my marital status. Sure, it is something that I write about, and talk about a lot, but not because it is what I think of myself. Talking about the LDS singles situation no more defines what I think of myself, than a writer who writes about frogs would be defined as a frog!
When you please others in hopes of being accepted, you lose your self-worth in the process. ~ Dave Pelzer
After having a bad day of being treated like a child and not an adult, feeling dejected, lonely, and overall blue, I sat down and asked myself “What would I encourage my young women to do if they were feeling like this?” And the answer was simple- I would ask them to tell me what makes them loveable, and what they want to be loved for, or in other words, to identify for themselves what it is that they hope identifies them. Tell me about their souls. So I made my own list, that I share with you, in hopes that maybe you’ll create your own list, and discover what makes your soul of great worth to God.
I am a humanitarian. I am dedicated to service and finding unusual opportunities to serve with great dedication, and not just at occasional service projects.
I am a daughter. I am a sister and sister-in-law. I am an aunt to three very cute little boys.
I am the fairy godmother to 10 little children, several of whom believe I wear sparkly slippers and carry a fancy wand around. I do everything in my power to keep that myth alive.
I am a cousin to over 50 people, and I can name them all in age order.
I am a “big sister” in the Big Brothers Big Sisters program. My “little sister” is my muse, and best friend.
I am the human to one incredibly awesome dog (even when she hogs the bed).
I am the ex-girlfriend to a few good men.
I am a friend to several many more wonderful people.
I was a friend to a woman dying in a hospital bed in Haiti. She held my hand as she died and whispered over and over that I was an angel. I have lived every minute since then to live up to her expectations of me.
I am a daughter of God.
I am a singer.
I am a writer. And I am a reader.
I am a movie buff.
I can sing or identify nearly every pop song from the 80s. And I’m not too shabby with most 50s rock either.
I am a science fiction nerd.
I love politics and discussing them civilly.
I am proud of my Washington, DC roots.
I am a young women’s leader. I try to be the fun one that they can relate to.
I get addicted to well-written stories, whether they be books, movies, or TV series.
I love high brow, goofball and corny humor. I hate potty humor.
I will find something to love in everyone I meet, and give them the benefit of the doubt, no matter how much they have wronged me, or how annoying they are.
I’m a motivator and instigator, and on occasion I like to call myself a “muckraker,” after my now deceased cousin and journalist Jack Anderson.
I am not afraid to make tough choices. I can do hard things.
I am a better person for the trials I have endured.
I am not afraid to do the unexpected. In fact, I live for it.
I am not afraid to rock the boat and make people think about uncomfortable things, or ask the hard questions.
I am a member missionary.
I am someone to many people. It is not the lack of one specific person in my life that defines me.
I define me. I determine what I will be and what will be my destiny. I do not worry about what others think of me. And certainly not what others think of my marital status.
“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted.
… All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable.” -Orson F. Whitney
Erin Ann McBride is a writer, dreamer, blogger, and service volunteer. Equal parts Mary Poppins, Carrie Bradshaw, and Mother Theresa, she goes where the wind blows, writes about single life, and is devoted to helping others. You can read more about what defines her at the Story of a Nice Mormon Girl.
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