Well said!! What an insightful, compassionate way to reach out. Thank you for a wonderful aricle.
Kristene LindorfJune 27, 2017
I have had daily migraines ever since a serious head injury 16 years ago. With a chronic, incurable, and painful illness, I have come to my own realization about the "How are you?" question. Since people often want to know how I am doing right at that moment, the best questions I've heard have to do with TODAY. These questions are great... "How's it going, today?" "How has your day been, so far." Is this a good time to come for a visit?" These types of question allow me to be proud and give expression to my small (but important) successes, such as: "I'm up and dressed, today." "I had a good conversation with my married daughter this morning." "I'm making the most of my time in bed." Such a difference, and a win-win for all!
PaniaaJune 27, 2017
Yes Denise, it takes humility to be the receivers. But I see what you mean. I'm sure the Lord does too.
Carrol GunnellJune 27, 2017
For the last 5 years I ask people that I do not know - "Are you happy?" I get the answer- "Why, yes, I'm happy, are you happy?" Then we have a great conversation and leave feeling pretty good. Only one time out of hundreds, has a lady told me no.
J LynJune 27, 2017
Having been through the death of a spouse I too found the questions, "How are you doing ?" and "How are you REALLY doing?" very difficult and painful to answer over and over again. I know that people were trying to be caring most of the time but some just felt like voyeurs. After you're asked one time you grow to hate the question not because of judgment but because it forces you to relive the pain of the loss over and over again. I found it much more helpful to have people say, "It's so go to see you, we love you.". It was much more sincere and not as intrusive or difficult to hear. It stops the post-traumatic stress feelings you have when all you want to do is go on and try to take it one day at a time without crying when someone asks you how you are. I don't think being asked, How does it feel to have your spouse die? would have made me feel any better.
TeresaTJune 26, 2017
I plan to read this article again and again. It describes so well the exact feelings I have felt when faced with the question "How are you?" when I am not feeling so great but worry about the judgement that might come from being honest. I hope I can help someone share their hardship in a very honest way. I know I would really appreciate that approach and sincere concern. Oh that "ward chit chat"! We've all done it, but I love the idea of being more compassionate and getting a little deeper.
DeniseJune 26, 2017
ok for this article, but this is a 'one time only' question. People who see friends, loved ones or anyone going through a difficult time, want to know on an on going basis 'how things are' and how we can help. Some people just come over and 'do things' like laundry etc. I have read many stories in the Ensign of those type of experiences. I did that once, and the lovely lady I really wanted to help, freaked out, got totally stressed that I saw 'less than perfect' clothing and laundryto be laundered and I left a kitchen that was cleaner than it had 'ever been before' according to her family, which left this woman in worse shape than if I hadn't done anything. Intentions and efforts are good, but we have to be so careful. Where one person would have thanked me forever, this friendship felt strained afterwards. I don't know the answer. This is just my experience. I still help whenever, whoever, and in whichever way I can. I just never go into someone's home and start 'doing' what I can see that needs to be done---not anymore. And I believe I am a gracious, kind person and definitely NOT a bully type !! She let me do what I did, but I think regretted it later thinking I would judge her based on what I saw, but, of course that was not in my heart.
Elaine SeamanJune 26, 2017
Shalissa, thank you for this insightful article. I have read it carefully and plan to try out the suggestions you made. You are amazing, dear friend.
John NicholsonJune 26, 2017
Excellent concept! After counseling for years, I like this approach. Is there somewhere I can explore this concept further? It sounds very promising. John.
D. T. GouldingJune 26, 2017
What a great article. It caused me to think and to approach friends in a better way.
Comments | Return to Story
Trying to be a better friendJuly 7, 2017
Well said!! What an insightful, compassionate way to reach out. Thank you for a wonderful aricle.
Kristene LindorfJune 27, 2017
I have had daily migraines ever since a serious head injury 16 years ago. With a chronic, incurable, and painful illness, I have come to my own realization about the "How are you?" question. Since people often want to know how I am doing right at that moment, the best questions I've heard have to do with TODAY. These questions are great... "How's it going, today?" "How has your day been, so far." Is this a good time to come for a visit?" These types of question allow me to be proud and give expression to my small (but important) successes, such as: "I'm up and dressed, today." "I had a good conversation with my married daughter this morning." "I'm making the most of my time in bed." Such a difference, and a win-win for all!
PaniaaJune 27, 2017
Yes Denise, it takes humility to be the receivers. But I see what you mean. I'm sure the Lord does too.
Carrol GunnellJune 27, 2017
For the last 5 years I ask people that I do not know - "Are you happy?" I get the answer- "Why, yes, I'm happy, are you happy?" Then we have a great conversation and leave feeling pretty good. Only one time out of hundreds, has a lady told me no.
J LynJune 27, 2017
Having been through the death of a spouse I too found the questions, "How are you doing ?" and "How are you REALLY doing?" very difficult and painful to answer over and over again. I know that people were trying to be caring most of the time but some just felt like voyeurs. After you're asked one time you grow to hate the question not because of judgment but because it forces you to relive the pain of the loss over and over again. I found it much more helpful to have people say, "It's so go to see you, we love you.". It was much more sincere and not as intrusive or difficult to hear. It stops the post-traumatic stress feelings you have when all you want to do is go on and try to take it one day at a time without crying when someone asks you how you are. I don't think being asked, How does it feel to have your spouse die? would have made me feel any better.
TeresaTJune 26, 2017
I plan to read this article again and again. It describes so well the exact feelings I have felt when faced with the question "How are you?" when I am not feeling so great but worry about the judgement that might come from being honest. I hope I can help someone share their hardship in a very honest way. I know I would really appreciate that approach and sincere concern. Oh that "ward chit chat"! We've all done it, but I love the idea of being more compassionate and getting a little deeper.
DeniseJune 26, 2017
ok for this article, but this is a 'one time only' question. People who see friends, loved ones or anyone going through a difficult time, want to know on an on going basis 'how things are' and how we can help. Some people just come over and 'do things' like laundry etc. I have read many stories in the Ensign of those type of experiences. I did that once, and the lovely lady I really wanted to help, freaked out, got totally stressed that I saw 'less than perfect' clothing and laundryto be laundered and I left a kitchen that was cleaner than it had 'ever been before' according to her family, which left this woman in worse shape than if I hadn't done anything. Intentions and efforts are good, but we have to be so careful. Where one person would have thanked me forever, this friendship felt strained afterwards. I don't know the answer. This is just my experience. I still help whenever, whoever, and in whichever way I can. I just never go into someone's home and start 'doing' what I can see that needs to be done---not anymore. And I believe I am a gracious, kind person and definitely NOT a bully type !! She let me do what I did, but I think regretted it later thinking I would judge her based on what I saw, but, of course that was not in my heart.
Elaine SeamanJune 26, 2017
Shalissa, thank you for this insightful article. I have read it carefully and plan to try out the suggestions you made. You are amazing, dear friend.
John NicholsonJune 26, 2017
Excellent concept! After counseling for years, I like this approach. Is there somewhere I can explore this concept further? It sounds very promising. John.
D. T. GouldingJune 26, 2017
What a great article. It caused me to think and to approach friends in a better way.
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