I really appreciated this article. I am just finalizing a divorce and it has been the hardest experience in my life this far! Many members were supportive of me but when I moved into a new ward I felt like I had the plague. The first Sunday I attended 2 other families came. They were the traditional family with kids. After the meeting everyone rushed to meet them and I was left within 6 feet of them. It felt horrible. I have always been a person to reach out to others and believe that divorced people need to do their fairshare of introducing me to others.
Fast forward 2 months. I finally was embraced by ward members after I gave a talk in Sacrament Meeting and taught a lesson in Elder's Quorum.
To eveyone out there, please, please don't leave a divorced person unwelcomed at church, or any person that comes to church that you don't know. It is so very painful to feel unwelcomed and worse, not wanted. Only my strong testimony and a loving bishop kept me moving forward.
Becci HadfieldAugust 3, 2018
Lisa this was wonderful and so informative. I have many members in my family that have been through divorce and every bit of this is true. Thank you so very much. This is needed for church members to better serve our fellowman or woman.
Only one of many sistersFebruary 27, 2018
As the betrayed former spouse of a lifelong Pornography Addict, I appreciate much of what this article discusses. However, I need to talk about the elephant in the room. I was married for decades to someone unworthy of my trust.
Not all divorces are "created equal". Some-like mine-were a result of being lied to, manipulated, used, demeaned, belittled, & blamed. The degree of self gratification, unrepentant sin, & being subjected to unrighteous dominion is a deep trauma few understand. Unless you have lived this, it is hard for fathom.
An unrepentant spouse routinely emotionally abusing wife and children presents a situation requiring discernment and the Spirit of the Lord. To simply recommend "not to take sides" denies the awful reality so many women & children have been subjected to for years in their family relationships. It is a dangerous thing at times NOT to “take sides.” We cannot afford to be so naïve.
The Leaders & Ward friends that helped the most were those who identified evil and helped us recognize it. They had the discernment, courage & the wisdom to address our REAL needs along our healing journey. They weren't afraid "to take sides." They took the side of righteousness and were not passive. They prayed with me, cried with me, & watched my children so I could attend the Temple.
They didn't enable my former spouse by rescuing him from consequences of his sins. Those who "rescued" him harmed our marriage and my children. Sometimes well meaning members struggle in allowing consequences to teach us what they’re meant to. We tend to interfere with what could be someone’s pivotal moment of self awareness or change.
Indiscriminately supporting both "sides" is far from appropriate in an abusive family situation. In a divorce, both sides do not have the same needs. Children need validation. They need their reality confirmed and placed in the perspective of truth. Those who spoke openly, boldly, and truthfully to my children sent them years ahead in their healing! The confusion & darkness lifted when light illuminated their experiences.
These are the things that have kept me rooted in the Gospel, Temple attendance, Church activity, and in turning to the Lord for everything. It’s so vital to be real. Have courage, talk about the hard stuff & don’t deny the truth of what happened. This is healing and empowering.
Jon Doe twoFebruary 26, 2018
Regarding the question about 'if my primary purpose is to be an eternal family....' The answer, or part of it, is that the eternal family we are become part of is Heavenly Father's family. And in that family, we are to create eternal (or Godly) relationships. Our baptism tells God, we want Him to be our God; that we recognize we are His children and will follow him. In following Him, we create covenant bonds with not only Him, but others, like our spouse and children. And underlying those covenants are Godly relationships. And outside of those covenants we create Godly relationships (e.g. love thy neighbor). Our purpose is to become people that can form Godly relationships - or eternal relationships. Because any relationship that isn't Godly will won't last. It will dissipate in the eternities and be left behind. So we strive for things of eternity.
I know this isn't the whole answer but it's part and I hope it insightful to you.
MSFebruary 24, 2018
As a newly divorced sister, all I can say is "Amen". The points this article makes are so important for others to hear. When my marriage troubles became really obvious, most of the couples in the ward who we did things with as a couple suddenly stopped socializing with either of us. I guessed they felt they couldn't take sides, but nevertheless, I felt very alone. I have become very aware that couples do not usually invite singles to do things with them-- so the people I do things with now are other single sisters, or married sisters whose husbands don't mind if they have a night out with female friends. And when my bishop told me he 'did not want to get involved', I felt like I had no one--ecclesiastically speaking--to talk to. I am active, and will continue to be so, but it's been a tough road.
HKMFebruary 22, 2018
Priesthood leaders can help by not placing obstacles in the way of active divorcing couples who want to attend separate wards.
ViolaFebruary 21, 2018
This is excellent, and hopefully will help us to be more understanding of those who go through a divorce. I liked what Bro. Barry did, being as open as he could about what happened and inviting the members to talk to him. Realizing that not everyone will feel comfortable doing that, it does seem like a good way to let people know that you want and need their friendship and support. Sometimes people are afraid to say the wrong thing and stay away to avoid making a mistake.
Maybe this isn't the place to bring up a related topic, but it might be good to also think about how singles who have never married are treated. It's hard for people who are suddenly single to feel included. It's also hard for people who have never been married, and they deal with this their whole adult life. Those who never marry are judged freely, openly, and often to their faces. No matter their age, married people (some 20-30 years younger) feel free giving a single person advice on any matter, especially dating and getting married. They have no children, so many members feel they have nothing in common, and some are afraid they are after their spouse. (If the single person were after your spouse, they wouldn't be in church.) Many members openly profess their belief that being single is a sin, or at least a great personal weakness that could be remedied with more faith.
What surprises me is the animosity with which a plea to be aware of singles' needs is greeted. People respond by blaming singles for their single condition, by expressing envy for the abundant free time singles seem to have, by expressing the idea that there must be something really wrong with them, or by complaining about a particular single who refuses to take responsibility for life.
Some people marry and stay married, some marry and divorce, and some never marry, but they are all children of God doing their best to live the gospel and serve others in their wards. We need to judge less and love more in every case.
RecoveringFebruary 21, 2018
Last year was the 20th anniversary of my Baptism into the church. I had been married 9 years to a wonderful, inactive y whose reactivation led to my conversion. Last year was also the year our divorce was final. We had been together for over 30 years. We were sealed in the Temple with 4 of our kids and had more born in the covenant. I joined the Church, left family and friends, gave up a career choice, on the promise and hope of an eternal family and happiness. The last 8 years was anything but happy. The reasons are many, but it was devastating. I was so close to leaving the Church. I couldn't bear to hear another word about eternal marriage, happiness, what families can be like, should be like. The failure of my marriage and the thought of losing the eternal blessings i had tried so hard to be worthy of and to teach my children was bad enough, but to be reminded of my failure every Sunday, at youth activities was almost too much to bear. Add to that the fact that my ex-wife lost her testimony years ago and was living a life so apparent to our impressionable teenage boys her family whose ancestors were pioneer, stake presidents, temple presidents, missionaries, etc was no where to be found when we needed help. My parents and some siblings I imagined were scoffing at my decision to leave their church. I was in a very, very dark place. My children thought I was to blame, not only did 2 of my son's not go on missions or further their education, they became addicts. Even participating on substance abuse with their mother.
It was the families I home taught for the past 10 years that saved me. I asked to be released from home teaching and when They heard the news, they reached out to me asking that I remain their home teacher. They KNEW me, loved me as I loved them as did many of my ward family.
A smile. A kind word, a hug, an invitation to dinner, even better, an invitation to join you in a trip to the Temple if that is an option, is what helps. Reaching out to children of a divorce helped too. Invite them over to be with their peers, into their homes. They may not know what a family, a home looks like with the Spirit present.
Please don't judge, don't whisper, don't avoid eye contact. Just be kind. And those of you who are going through divorce. Don't give up on your ward family. They often don't know how to act, what to say. Try to be patient. Try to serve them still. Above all, pray. And repent. It will get better. The promise of eternal family still can be realized, it may just look a little differnt than what we thought.
ACUFebruary 20, 2018
Wonderful article. I will renew my efforts to support our brothers and sisters and their children going through Divorce.
D.H.February 20, 2018
This is so important. Thirty-one years ago I went through a divorce from my first wife who had mental health issues for which she refused treatment. I had little to no support from the our new Bishop and was ostracised by many in the ward. The night we split was the darkest night of my life, physically & spiritually. Had it not been for teachings by my parents that this is the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and not of the bishop or the ward, I would have walked away from the church that very night. Loving and friendly support from the ward is needed for both parties in the divorce.
J. DoeFebruary 20, 2018
I appreciate your article. However, let's assume that the principle reason I am an active member is because I want to be with my family forever. If I divorce, I question as to whether there is anyway I can still be with my children forever. If I can't be with my children forever, then what would be the purpose of remaining active in the gospel?
Cindy WoodFebruary 20, 2018
Beautifully written ! and so needed today. I am not divorced but feel for my friends who have had to face very difficult challenges leading to divorce. I especially feel bad for the sister who was told by her leadership that talking about her divorce was gossip. Her own divorce. I think things could have been handled better and I think it is articles like this, put in the hands of individuals that can help us all be more Christ like and bear one another's burdens in a gentler way.
Name WithheldFebruary 20, 2018
My step-daughter went through a very nasty divorce where her husband accused her of infidelity. Naturally, my wife and I were inclined to take her side but I reached out to her husband as best I could, telling him that what he was doing was counterproductive to mending the relationship. He had offered no physical proof of infidelity (such as eyewitnesses or a paper trail) and he had demanded that his wife sever friendships with women to whom she had confided her troubles. Eventually he began making outrageous accusations against me as well which only convinced me that he had lost a few screws. Initially his bishop seemed more inclined to believe him over her, and she quit going to church. He continued to go to church and take the kids on his weekends but he could not get a Temple recommend because he refused to pay her alimony. In fact he impoverished himself so that he could claim to have no money to pay her. His animosity towards their mother eventually drove his kids one by one away from him and the Church. It was all very sad because they had seemed like the perfect family.
My testimony and my wife's have remained strong and this whole sad experience serves as a cautionary tale.
Lawrence BarryFebruary 20, 2018
In addition to all the wonderful suggestions in your article, the divorcing person can help the ward members know how to minister to the needs of the “suddenly single.” In my case, my first wife and I separated in 1976 and divorced the following year. As mentioned in your article I was confused about how I fit in with the ward members. Finally, realizing I might be able to “clear the air “ I went to the podium on fast and testimony meeting and before bearing my testimony and affirming my commitment to the gospel and the church I said to the congregation “I want to clarify with you what many of you have been wondering. Yes, _________ and I have separated, she and our two children have moved to another town to be close to her parents and we are most likely headed for divorce. It is a sad situation and we solicit your prayers. And, by the way, I accept all dinner invitations.” By speaking openly but not in detail and not placing any particular blame, I was able to help the ward members answer some of their questions plus, the humorous “plea” for dinner invitations brought some laughter followed by several subsequent home cooked meals.
Comments | Return to Story
Larry BethersAugust 12, 2019
I really appreciated this article. I am just finalizing a divorce and it has been the hardest experience in my life this far! Many members were supportive of me but when I moved into a new ward I felt like I had the plague. The first Sunday I attended 2 other families came. They were the traditional family with kids. After the meeting everyone rushed to meet them and I was left within 6 feet of them. It felt horrible. I have always been a person to reach out to others and believe that divorced people need to do their fairshare of introducing me to others. Fast forward 2 months. I finally was embraced by ward members after I gave a talk in Sacrament Meeting and taught a lesson in Elder's Quorum. To eveyone out there, please, please don't leave a divorced person unwelcomed at church, or any person that comes to church that you don't know. It is so very painful to feel unwelcomed and worse, not wanted. Only my strong testimony and a loving bishop kept me moving forward.
Becci HadfieldAugust 3, 2018
Lisa this was wonderful and so informative. I have many members in my family that have been through divorce and every bit of this is true. Thank you so very much. This is needed for church members to better serve our fellowman or woman.
Only one of many sistersFebruary 27, 2018
As the betrayed former spouse of a lifelong Pornography Addict, I appreciate much of what this article discusses. However, I need to talk about the elephant in the room. I was married for decades to someone unworthy of my trust. Not all divorces are "created equal". Some-like mine-were a result of being lied to, manipulated, used, demeaned, belittled, & blamed. The degree of self gratification, unrepentant sin, & being subjected to unrighteous dominion is a deep trauma few understand. Unless you have lived this, it is hard for fathom. An unrepentant spouse routinely emotionally abusing wife and children presents a situation requiring discernment and the Spirit of the Lord. To simply recommend "not to take sides" denies the awful reality so many women & children have been subjected to for years in their family relationships. It is a dangerous thing at times NOT to “take sides.” We cannot afford to be so naïve. The Leaders & Ward friends that helped the most were those who identified evil and helped us recognize it. They had the discernment, courage & the wisdom to address our REAL needs along our healing journey. They weren't afraid "to take sides." They took the side of righteousness and were not passive. They prayed with me, cried with me, & watched my children so I could attend the Temple. They didn't enable my former spouse by rescuing him from consequences of his sins. Those who "rescued" him harmed our marriage and my children. Sometimes well meaning members struggle in allowing consequences to teach us what they’re meant to. We tend to interfere with what could be someone’s pivotal moment of self awareness or change. Indiscriminately supporting both "sides" is far from appropriate in an abusive family situation. In a divorce, both sides do not have the same needs. Children need validation. They need their reality confirmed and placed in the perspective of truth. Those who spoke openly, boldly, and truthfully to my children sent them years ahead in their healing! The confusion & darkness lifted when light illuminated their experiences. These are the things that have kept me rooted in the Gospel, Temple attendance, Church activity, and in turning to the Lord for everything. It’s so vital to be real. Have courage, talk about the hard stuff & don’t deny the truth of what happened. This is healing and empowering.
Jon Doe twoFebruary 26, 2018
Regarding the question about 'if my primary purpose is to be an eternal family....' The answer, or part of it, is that the eternal family we are become part of is Heavenly Father's family. And in that family, we are to create eternal (or Godly) relationships. Our baptism tells God, we want Him to be our God; that we recognize we are His children and will follow him. In following Him, we create covenant bonds with not only Him, but others, like our spouse and children. And underlying those covenants are Godly relationships. And outside of those covenants we create Godly relationships (e.g. love thy neighbor). Our purpose is to become people that can form Godly relationships - or eternal relationships. Because any relationship that isn't Godly will won't last. It will dissipate in the eternities and be left behind. So we strive for things of eternity. I know this isn't the whole answer but it's part and I hope it insightful to you.
MSFebruary 24, 2018
As a newly divorced sister, all I can say is "Amen". The points this article makes are so important for others to hear. When my marriage troubles became really obvious, most of the couples in the ward who we did things with as a couple suddenly stopped socializing with either of us. I guessed they felt they couldn't take sides, but nevertheless, I felt very alone. I have become very aware that couples do not usually invite singles to do things with them-- so the people I do things with now are other single sisters, or married sisters whose husbands don't mind if they have a night out with female friends. And when my bishop told me he 'did not want to get involved', I felt like I had no one--ecclesiastically speaking--to talk to. I am active, and will continue to be so, but it's been a tough road.
HKMFebruary 22, 2018
Priesthood leaders can help by not placing obstacles in the way of active divorcing couples who want to attend separate wards.
ViolaFebruary 21, 2018
This is excellent, and hopefully will help us to be more understanding of those who go through a divorce. I liked what Bro. Barry did, being as open as he could about what happened and inviting the members to talk to him. Realizing that not everyone will feel comfortable doing that, it does seem like a good way to let people know that you want and need their friendship and support. Sometimes people are afraid to say the wrong thing and stay away to avoid making a mistake. Maybe this isn't the place to bring up a related topic, but it might be good to also think about how singles who have never married are treated. It's hard for people who are suddenly single to feel included. It's also hard for people who have never been married, and they deal with this their whole adult life. Those who never marry are judged freely, openly, and often to their faces. No matter their age, married people (some 20-30 years younger) feel free giving a single person advice on any matter, especially dating and getting married. They have no children, so many members feel they have nothing in common, and some are afraid they are after their spouse. (If the single person were after your spouse, they wouldn't be in church.) Many members openly profess their belief that being single is a sin, or at least a great personal weakness that could be remedied with more faith. What surprises me is the animosity with which a plea to be aware of singles' needs is greeted. People respond by blaming singles for their single condition, by expressing envy for the abundant free time singles seem to have, by expressing the idea that there must be something really wrong with them, or by complaining about a particular single who refuses to take responsibility for life. Some people marry and stay married, some marry and divorce, and some never marry, but they are all children of God doing their best to live the gospel and serve others in their wards. We need to judge less and love more in every case.
RecoveringFebruary 21, 2018
Last year was the 20th anniversary of my Baptism into the church. I had been married 9 years to a wonderful, inactive y whose reactivation led to my conversion. Last year was also the year our divorce was final. We had been together for over 30 years. We were sealed in the Temple with 4 of our kids and had more born in the covenant. I joined the Church, left family and friends, gave up a career choice, on the promise and hope of an eternal family and happiness. The last 8 years was anything but happy. The reasons are many, but it was devastating. I was so close to leaving the Church. I couldn't bear to hear another word about eternal marriage, happiness, what families can be like, should be like. The failure of my marriage and the thought of losing the eternal blessings i had tried so hard to be worthy of and to teach my children was bad enough, but to be reminded of my failure every Sunday, at youth activities was almost too much to bear. Add to that the fact that my ex-wife lost her testimony years ago and was living a life so apparent to our impressionable teenage boys her family whose ancestors were pioneer, stake presidents, temple presidents, missionaries, etc was no where to be found when we needed help. My parents and some siblings I imagined were scoffing at my decision to leave their church. I was in a very, very dark place. My children thought I was to blame, not only did 2 of my son's not go on missions or further their education, they became addicts. Even participating on substance abuse with their mother. It was the families I home taught for the past 10 years that saved me. I asked to be released from home teaching and when They heard the news, they reached out to me asking that I remain their home teacher. They KNEW me, loved me as I loved them as did many of my ward family. A smile. A kind word, a hug, an invitation to dinner, even better, an invitation to join you in a trip to the Temple if that is an option, is what helps. Reaching out to children of a divorce helped too. Invite them over to be with their peers, into their homes. They may not know what a family, a home looks like with the Spirit present. Please don't judge, don't whisper, don't avoid eye contact. Just be kind. And those of you who are going through divorce. Don't give up on your ward family. They often don't know how to act, what to say. Try to be patient. Try to serve them still. Above all, pray. And repent. It will get better. The promise of eternal family still can be realized, it may just look a little differnt than what we thought.
ACUFebruary 20, 2018
Wonderful article. I will renew my efforts to support our brothers and sisters and their children going through Divorce.
D.H.February 20, 2018
This is so important. Thirty-one years ago I went through a divorce from my first wife who had mental health issues for which she refused treatment. I had little to no support from the our new Bishop and was ostracised by many in the ward. The night we split was the darkest night of my life, physically & spiritually. Had it not been for teachings by my parents that this is the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and not of the bishop or the ward, I would have walked away from the church that very night. Loving and friendly support from the ward is needed for both parties in the divorce.
J. DoeFebruary 20, 2018
I appreciate your article. However, let's assume that the principle reason I am an active member is because I want to be with my family forever. If I divorce, I question as to whether there is anyway I can still be with my children forever. If I can't be with my children forever, then what would be the purpose of remaining active in the gospel?
Cindy WoodFebruary 20, 2018
Beautifully written ! and so needed today. I am not divorced but feel for my friends who have had to face very difficult challenges leading to divorce. I especially feel bad for the sister who was told by her leadership that talking about her divorce was gossip. Her own divorce. I think things could have been handled better and I think it is articles like this, put in the hands of individuals that can help us all be more Christ like and bear one another's burdens in a gentler way.
Name WithheldFebruary 20, 2018
My step-daughter went through a very nasty divorce where her husband accused her of infidelity. Naturally, my wife and I were inclined to take her side but I reached out to her husband as best I could, telling him that what he was doing was counterproductive to mending the relationship. He had offered no physical proof of infidelity (such as eyewitnesses or a paper trail) and he had demanded that his wife sever friendships with women to whom she had confided her troubles. Eventually he began making outrageous accusations against me as well which only convinced me that he had lost a few screws. Initially his bishop seemed more inclined to believe him over her, and she quit going to church. He continued to go to church and take the kids on his weekends but he could not get a Temple recommend because he refused to pay her alimony. In fact he impoverished himself so that he could claim to have no money to pay her. His animosity towards their mother eventually drove his kids one by one away from him and the Church. It was all very sad because they had seemed like the perfect family. My testimony and my wife's have remained strong and this whole sad experience serves as a cautionary tale.
Lawrence BarryFebruary 20, 2018
In addition to all the wonderful suggestions in your article, the divorcing person can help the ward members know how to minister to the needs of the “suddenly single.” In my case, my first wife and I separated in 1976 and divorced the following year. As mentioned in your article I was confused about how I fit in with the ward members. Finally, realizing I might be able to “clear the air “ I went to the podium on fast and testimony meeting and before bearing my testimony and affirming my commitment to the gospel and the church I said to the congregation “I want to clarify with you what many of you have been wondering. Yes, _________ and I have separated, she and our two children have moved to another town to be close to her parents and we are most likely headed for divorce. It is a sad situation and we solicit your prayers. And, by the way, I accept all dinner invitations.” By speaking openly but not in detail and not placing any particular blame, I was able to help the ward members answer some of their questions plus, the humorous “plea” for dinner invitations brought some laughter followed by several subsequent home cooked meals.
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