Dee - DO lose those extra pounds, it WILL make you more fertile. some woman in romania had a baby at age of 60. All kinds of things are possible and you still have to do your part to get the promised blessings. so DO start doing your research on fertility and doing things you're never done before to achieve the things you're never achieved before!
AmyOctober 28, 2013
Speaking of the Lord's perfect timing, seeing this article come up in my Facebook newsfeed today is quite timely. Needed this very much today. Thank you!
Jennifer AJuly 2, 2013
Thanks for the wonderful article! It confirmed all the things the spirit has been teaching me. I think it's best not to worry about how to "fix the problem" of having so many singles as some seem to have commented, but to just focus on what we can change and improve and that is ourselves.
JimJune 30, 2013
My heart goes out to the single members of the church. As happily married grandpa I am not really sure how I can help without creating unwise feelings from a single sister. It happened once and it was very uncomfortable for my wife and I.
JoeyJune 27, 2013
I was the last "girl" in my high school class to be married. I had moved to a new city, so had single friends here. Men were plentiful back then, but like you, dates never led to love. I served two stake missions, graduated from college, served as Relief Society President in a singles ward, worked, and had dated about 80 men. When I met the man I married, I found he had been in the Army, on a mission, getting a college degree and finding a job. We had both been busy doing wonderful things.
When I did family history, I found that his great grandfather baptized my great grandmother and her parents 100 years before we met. I imagine the small sealing room in the temple was more crowded than we knew, when we married.
SueJune 27, 2013
Johathan says "even if they still must endure loneliness and disappointment." What? Most of us single women don't fall in that category. Perhaps those who seek therapy do. Do you know how many married men tell us we are better off single? Do you know how many married women envy our freedom? Do you know how many married folk confide in us that their marriages aren't all that rosey? Why are there so many LDS divorces? Professional dating? Maybe in a college setting but not around here. I don't know anyone in our large stake singles group who dates. I wonder why so many LDS couples are meeting in on-line settings and later marrying? It might be wonderful if someone fell in love with me but I do not miss what I have never had.
GaryJune 27, 2013
I believe many cannot see the forest for the trees. Our life here is so much more than we know, and to know ourselves and our life purposes, and our unique spiritual journey is essential to understanding why we are here. We are spiritual beings - here to have earthly experiences custom made, and designed by us (agency) and God, for our individual and mutual spiritual growth. Our individual designs and divine purposes here are not alike - our life is more grand, complex and interwoven with events and experiences, and with many people in our lives - more so than we understand or comprehend. Possibly this is why the Prophet Joseph Smith made the following statement: "All men know that they must die. And it is important that we should understand the reasons and causes of our exposure to the vicissitudes of life and of death, and the designs and purposes of God in our coming into the world, our suffering here, and our departure hence. What is the object of our coming into existence - - it is a subject we ought to study more than any other. We ought to study it night and day . If we have any claim on our Heavenly Father for anything, it is for knowledge on this important subject."
Why are YOU here - what are YOUR purposes in life?
Marriage - family - careers - money - status in the church - all these things that we think all should attain - an absolute - or one cannot become like Christ - I believe tends to be misleading. Many are coming to Christ - in a "single" state, for that is part of their life journey and spiritual lessons that can only be obtained in a "single" state - some are coming in poverty - some spend time outside the borders of the church for their experiences in spiritual growth - some have complex and dysfunctional family relationships because that is part of their spiritual journey, and is where their lessons lie. We must trust, and have faith enough to "know" that God is directing our lives as they were meant to be, and all is for our good - even though we often tend to listen to others, and to think otherwise.
Let's get a picture of the forest - of our true individual life purposes and we can better understand the daily unfolding of our lives, and the spiritual lessons we need to learn as events and experiences unfold daily - before we place judgments on how others should be living. Let's look at the bigger picture - the much bigger picture of why we are here - why others are here - and replace judgments and false or trendy notions and beliefs regarding marriage, family and being single with compassion and understanding - and most of all love.
Director - Marriage & Parenting Institute, - a non-profit educational org.
David June 26, 2013
We still need to address the Peter Pan syndrome with regard to immature men. Humorous name but a serious problem. These are single men, mostly, who are not mature in thought or behavior. Women don't want to be around them because they are not marriage material.
Women seem to be able to organize single-hood into a productive life, even if not by choice.
Men seem to decay or spoil. They seem to wrap themselves in self indulgence and meaningless activities that produce little of substance in life. Who really cares what your computer game score is, or where you hiked and camped.
No I don't think polygamy is the answer.
DeeJune 26, 2013
Jonathan, this is a very good and well thought out article and I appreciate your desire to connect with those of us who still haven't found our eternal companion. Like so many others though, you simply say, "trust in God." But nobody ever tells us how to hold on to that trust when things get rocky. I was promised in a priesthood blessing more than three years ago that I would get married in time to bear children in this earthly life. I'm nearly 45 years old now and there's nobody on the horizon. I haven't had a date in ten years. I do my part by participating in singles activities and making myself available. I'm educated, I own my own home, I'm somewhat witty, and though I could probably stand to lose 10-15 pounds, I'm a fairly fit person. Unfortunately, ten years without a date has left me little confidence to ask a man out myself. I try to maintain trust in the promise made in that blessing, but as each day passes, holding onto that trust is becoming harder to do.
Joe WisniewskiJune 26, 2013
Good solid article. Thanx for the effort putting it together. I have to gravitate toward Jane's comments however. (I keep telling myself that I have to put all this in a book.) :-) Just some not-exactly-all-in-order thoughts and comments.
a. Lists - Many overdo the issue of lists. There needs to be some relatively small group of must haves. We all get that. Some are critical and some might be wants .. but are still important. Lists however, I think,often cause us to think inwardly too much.
b. Professional dating .. Many (maybe not the referenced group of single women earlier in one of the comments) singles are almost addicted to the process of dating; the process of going to karaoke, dances, temple sessions, etc becomes more important than the goal of dating.
c. Moving through the phases - I think we cut off our noses to spite our face (or is it fate?) :-) . Sometimes it almost seems like breakups become a self fulfilling prophecy when things go too well for too long.
Also, we have to move out of the initial infatuation/dating like we are on vacation .. ASAP. I have had personality conflicts (probably mostly mine) show up after a half a year dating that need to be figured out sooner. That can't be forced though and people only see those things once they really trust each other to show their true selves. ... I'll save the rest for the book. :-) But i agree with Jane, that something has to be changed .. and I don't think it is the church, it is us.
Jonathan DeckerJune 26, 2013
- Kathleen- Good for you! You're setting a great example.
- Anne and Mike, terrific insights, thank you for sharing them.
- LIOTB and Erin, thank you for your kind words :)
- Jane, I think the issue is not whether something is new, but whether it is true. I have seen these principles help countless singles, including myself. I never claimed that these three keys would fix everything, especially not a shortage of worthy priesthood holders. I'm sure, however, that those women you referenced (who are "building a life worth living without a partner" by doing all that you mentioned) are better off and happier than they'd be if they weren't doing all those wonderful things, even if they still must endure loneliness and disappointment.
Paul June 26, 2013
Wise words, all. Yes, Jane, nothing said is new, but they have been expressed here in a frontal, practical way that no one can deny.
I was blessed with an eternal companion by our Father-in-Heaven as an answer to my successful missionary commitment. As time goes on, I get the impression that my experience is becoming more of a minority condition within the church. This is sad to see, but reality has a way of kicking even the blessed when subjected to the intense wiles of the adversary. I acknowledge the dilemma of the unattached and wish I could help more.
A case in point is one of my daughters - early forties in age, divorced, three growing sons, a very successful career, owner of a house better than mine, and so forth. She is dating a non-member who has proven to be more attentive and mannerly to her than any priesthood holder she knows (even more than her ex could ever be). She is considering marriage for personal reasons already referred to, but she is wise enough to test him thoroughly first. I pray constantly that she sticks to her standards and learns from past experience.
This article's point of view will add to her knowledge and intentions. No one reading it can not be positively impacted. Now my challenge is to present it to her in an acceptable fashion. Wish me luck - or, should I say, the Lord's blessings. We all need them.
JaneJune 26, 2013
Ahhh Johathan, you have not said anything new. These same principles were taught years before you were even born. And, obviously, they are not working very well. Most of the singles I know--there are 80 single women in our ward--are not needy or desperate, are totally happy with their lives, and are active in multiple things. All own their own homes and are financially stable. Most are well educated, healthy, and have powerful testimonies. Many are temple workers or serve as missionaries and indexers from their own homes.
The problem amounts to one thing: there are just not enough available LDS men to marry. Your three keys cannot fix that.
Years ago, a previous stake president held a meeting for singles one hour before Stake Conference. He told us that there were worthy single women in every stake of the church and that we were there by design....that when the law of the land allowed men to take a second wife, there would be plenty available! Well that did not sit well with most of us!
In the south eastern states, there are so few LDS males that many young ladies have no choice but to marry non-members. Luckily, some of them do eventually convert but not without a long road to hoe first.
Erin Ann McBrideJune 26, 2013
Jon-
GREAT ARTICLE!!
THANK YOU!!!
JaneJune 26, 2013
Ahhh Johathan, you have not said anything new. These same principles were taught years before you were even born. And, obviously, they are not working very well. Most of the singles I know--there are 80 single women in our ward--are not needy or desperate, are totally happy with their lives, and are active in multiple things. All own their own homes and are financially stable. Most are well educated, healthy, and have powerful testimonies. Many are temple workers or serve as missionaries and indexers from their own homes.
The problem amounts to one thing: there are just not enough available LDS men to marry. Your three keys cannot fix that.
Years ago, a previous stake president held a meeting for singles one hour before Stake Conference. He told us that there were worthy single women in every stake of the church and that we were there by design....that when the law of the land allowed men to take a second wife, there would be plenty available! Well that did not sit well with most of us!
In the south eastern states, there are so few LDS males that many young ladies have no choice but to marry non-members. Luckily, some of them do eventually convert but not without a long road to hoe first.
LIOTBJune 26, 2013
Very good and it offers a solution, higher thinking and other options, not just talking about a problem and pointing fingers.
Mike LovinsJune 26, 2013
I would suggest a different approach to all this-by now we've all gotten married to something, and in order to marry a person, you've got to divorce what you're married to
AnneMJune 26, 2013
EXCELLENT article! My son is very much like the young man with the list... He needs to maintain the same qualities he wants in an eternal companion.
I learned a long time ago, after an unpleasant divorce, that I needed to live the standards that would please Heavenly Father... even tho I may never have a righteous husband during my life here on earth. I have faith that things will be well for all in the eternities...
KathleenJune 26, 2013
Frankly, in my 50's, I'm so busy with my career in health care, my aging parents, my sister's families, and Church callings, being chairperson of the Nation' largest family preparedness organization, my self sustaining gardening, family history, Temple attendance, cleaning my house, all of the overtime I work, school, studying scriptures and so on, that I don't have time to think about not being married.
Comments | Return to Story
TJMay 14, 2014
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Xenia PoliakovaJanuary 3, 2014
Dee - DO lose those extra pounds, it WILL make you more fertile. some woman in romania had a baby at age of 60. All kinds of things are possible and you still have to do your part to get the promised blessings. so DO start doing your research on fertility and doing things you're never done before to achieve the things you're never achieved before!
AmyOctober 28, 2013
Speaking of the Lord's perfect timing, seeing this article come up in my Facebook newsfeed today is quite timely. Needed this very much today. Thank you!
Jennifer AJuly 2, 2013
Thanks for the wonderful article! It confirmed all the things the spirit has been teaching me. I think it's best not to worry about how to "fix the problem" of having so many singles as some seem to have commented, but to just focus on what we can change and improve and that is ourselves.
JimJune 30, 2013
My heart goes out to the single members of the church. As happily married grandpa I am not really sure how I can help without creating unwise feelings from a single sister. It happened once and it was very uncomfortable for my wife and I.
JoeyJune 27, 2013
I was the last "girl" in my high school class to be married. I had moved to a new city, so had single friends here. Men were plentiful back then, but like you, dates never led to love. I served two stake missions, graduated from college, served as Relief Society President in a singles ward, worked, and had dated about 80 men. When I met the man I married, I found he had been in the Army, on a mission, getting a college degree and finding a job. We had both been busy doing wonderful things. When I did family history, I found that his great grandfather baptized my great grandmother and her parents 100 years before we met. I imagine the small sealing room in the temple was more crowded than we knew, when we married.
SueJune 27, 2013
Johathan says "even if they still must endure loneliness and disappointment." What? Most of us single women don't fall in that category. Perhaps those who seek therapy do. Do you know how many married men tell us we are better off single? Do you know how many married women envy our freedom? Do you know how many married folk confide in us that their marriages aren't all that rosey? Why are there so many LDS divorces? Professional dating? Maybe in a college setting but not around here. I don't know anyone in our large stake singles group who dates. I wonder why so many LDS couples are meeting in on-line settings and later marrying? It might be wonderful if someone fell in love with me but I do not miss what I have never had.
GaryJune 27, 2013
I believe many cannot see the forest for the trees. Our life here is so much more than we know, and to know ourselves and our life purposes, and our unique spiritual journey is essential to understanding why we are here. We are spiritual beings - here to have earthly experiences custom made, and designed by us (agency) and God, for our individual and mutual spiritual growth. Our individual designs and divine purposes here are not alike - our life is more grand, complex and interwoven with events and experiences, and with many people in our lives - more so than we understand or comprehend. Possibly this is why the Prophet Joseph Smith made the following statement: "All men know that they must die. And it is important that we should understand the reasons and causes of our exposure to the vicissitudes of life and of death, and the designs and purposes of God in our coming into the world, our suffering here, and our departure hence. What is the object of our coming into existence - - it is a subject we ought to study more than any other. We ought to study it night and day . If we have any claim on our Heavenly Father for anything, it is for knowledge on this important subject." Why are YOU here - what are YOUR purposes in life? Marriage - family - careers - money - status in the church - all these things that we think all should attain - an absolute - or one cannot become like Christ - I believe tends to be misleading. Many are coming to Christ - in a "single" state, for that is part of their life journey and spiritual lessons that can only be obtained in a "single" state - some are coming in poverty - some spend time outside the borders of the church for their experiences in spiritual growth - some have complex and dysfunctional family relationships because that is part of their spiritual journey, and is where their lessons lie. We must trust, and have faith enough to "know" that God is directing our lives as they were meant to be, and all is for our good - even though we often tend to listen to others, and to think otherwise. Let's get a picture of the forest - of our true individual life purposes and we can better understand the daily unfolding of our lives, and the spiritual lessons we need to learn as events and experiences unfold daily - before we place judgments on how others should be living. Let's look at the bigger picture - the much bigger picture of why we are here - why others are here - and replace judgments and false or trendy notions and beliefs regarding marriage, family and being single with compassion and understanding - and most of all love. Director - Marriage & Parenting Institute, - a non-profit educational org.
David June 26, 2013
We still need to address the Peter Pan syndrome with regard to immature men. Humorous name but a serious problem. These are single men, mostly, who are not mature in thought or behavior. Women don't want to be around them because they are not marriage material. Women seem to be able to organize single-hood into a productive life, even if not by choice. Men seem to decay or spoil. They seem to wrap themselves in self indulgence and meaningless activities that produce little of substance in life. Who really cares what your computer game score is, or where you hiked and camped. No I don't think polygamy is the answer.
DeeJune 26, 2013
Jonathan, this is a very good and well thought out article and I appreciate your desire to connect with those of us who still haven't found our eternal companion. Like so many others though, you simply say, "trust in God." But nobody ever tells us how to hold on to that trust when things get rocky. I was promised in a priesthood blessing more than three years ago that I would get married in time to bear children in this earthly life. I'm nearly 45 years old now and there's nobody on the horizon. I haven't had a date in ten years. I do my part by participating in singles activities and making myself available. I'm educated, I own my own home, I'm somewhat witty, and though I could probably stand to lose 10-15 pounds, I'm a fairly fit person. Unfortunately, ten years without a date has left me little confidence to ask a man out myself. I try to maintain trust in the promise made in that blessing, but as each day passes, holding onto that trust is becoming harder to do.
Joe WisniewskiJune 26, 2013
Good solid article. Thanx for the effort putting it together. I have to gravitate toward Jane's comments however. (I keep telling myself that I have to put all this in a book.) :-) Just some not-exactly-all-in-order thoughts and comments. a. Lists - Many overdo the issue of lists. There needs to be some relatively small group of must haves. We all get that. Some are critical and some might be wants .. but are still important. Lists however, I think,often cause us to think inwardly too much. b. Professional dating .. Many (maybe not the referenced group of single women earlier in one of the comments) singles are almost addicted to the process of dating; the process of going to karaoke, dances, temple sessions, etc becomes more important than the goal of dating. c. Moving through the phases - I think we cut off our noses to spite our face (or is it fate?) :-) . Sometimes it almost seems like breakups become a self fulfilling prophecy when things go too well for too long. Also, we have to move out of the initial infatuation/dating like we are on vacation .. ASAP. I have had personality conflicts (probably mostly mine) show up after a half a year dating that need to be figured out sooner. That can't be forced though and people only see those things once they really trust each other to show their true selves. ... I'll save the rest for the book. :-) But i agree with Jane, that something has to be changed .. and I don't think it is the church, it is us.
Jonathan DeckerJune 26, 2013
- Kathleen- Good for you! You're setting a great example. - Anne and Mike, terrific insights, thank you for sharing them. - LIOTB and Erin, thank you for your kind words :) - Jane, I think the issue is not whether something is new, but whether it is true. I have seen these principles help countless singles, including myself. I never claimed that these three keys would fix everything, especially not a shortage of worthy priesthood holders. I'm sure, however, that those women you referenced (who are "building a life worth living without a partner" by doing all that you mentioned) are better off and happier than they'd be if they weren't doing all those wonderful things, even if they still must endure loneliness and disappointment.
Paul June 26, 2013
Wise words, all. Yes, Jane, nothing said is new, but they have been expressed here in a frontal, practical way that no one can deny. I was blessed with an eternal companion by our Father-in-Heaven as an answer to my successful missionary commitment. As time goes on, I get the impression that my experience is becoming more of a minority condition within the church. This is sad to see, but reality has a way of kicking even the blessed when subjected to the intense wiles of the adversary. I acknowledge the dilemma of the unattached and wish I could help more. A case in point is one of my daughters - early forties in age, divorced, three growing sons, a very successful career, owner of a house better than mine, and so forth. She is dating a non-member who has proven to be more attentive and mannerly to her than any priesthood holder she knows (even more than her ex could ever be). She is considering marriage for personal reasons already referred to, but she is wise enough to test him thoroughly first. I pray constantly that she sticks to her standards and learns from past experience. This article's point of view will add to her knowledge and intentions. No one reading it can not be positively impacted. Now my challenge is to present it to her in an acceptable fashion. Wish me luck - or, should I say, the Lord's blessings. We all need them.
JaneJune 26, 2013
Ahhh Johathan, you have not said anything new. These same principles were taught years before you were even born. And, obviously, they are not working very well. Most of the singles I know--there are 80 single women in our ward--are not needy or desperate, are totally happy with their lives, and are active in multiple things. All own their own homes and are financially stable. Most are well educated, healthy, and have powerful testimonies. Many are temple workers or serve as missionaries and indexers from their own homes. The problem amounts to one thing: there are just not enough available LDS men to marry. Your three keys cannot fix that. Years ago, a previous stake president held a meeting for singles one hour before Stake Conference. He told us that there were worthy single women in every stake of the church and that we were there by design....that when the law of the land allowed men to take a second wife, there would be plenty available! Well that did not sit well with most of us! In the south eastern states, there are so few LDS males that many young ladies have no choice but to marry non-members. Luckily, some of them do eventually convert but not without a long road to hoe first.
Erin Ann McBrideJune 26, 2013
Jon- GREAT ARTICLE!! THANK YOU!!!
JaneJune 26, 2013
Ahhh Johathan, you have not said anything new. These same principles were taught years before you were even born. And, obviously, they are not working very well. Most of the singles I know--there are 80 single women in our ward--are not needy or desperate, are totally happy with their lives, and are active in multiple things. All own their own homes and are financially stable. Most are well educated, healthy, and have powerful testimonies. Many are temple workers or serve as missionaries and indexers from their own homes. The problem amounts to one thing: there are just not enough available LDS men to marry. Your three keys cannot fix that. Years ago, a previous stake president held a meeting for singles one hour before Stake Conference. He told us that there were worthy single women in every stake of the church and that we were there by design....that when the law of the land allowed men to take a second wife, there would be plenty available! Well that did not sit well with most of us! In the south eastern states, there are so few LDS males that many young ladies have no choice but to marry non-members. Luckily, some of them do eventually convert but not without a long road to hoe first.
LIOTBJune 26, 2013
Very good and it offers a solution, higher thinking and other options, not just talking about a problem and pointing fingers.
Mike LovinsJune 26, 2013
I would suggest a different approach to all this-by now we've all gotten married to something, and in order to marry a person, you've got to divorce what you're married to
AnneMJune 26, 2013
EXCELLENT article! My son is very much like the young man with the list... He needs to maintain the same qualities he wants in an eternal companion. I learned a long time ago, after an unpleasant divorce, that I needed to live the standards that would please Heavenly Father... even tho I may never have a righteous husband during my life here on earth. I have faith that things will be well for all in the eternities...
KathleenJune 26, 2013
Frankly, in my 50's, I'm so busy with my career in health care, my aging parents, my sister's families, and Church callings, being chairperson of the Nation' largest family preparedness organization, my self sustaining gardening, family history, Temple attendance, cleaning my house, all of the overtime I work, school, studying scriptures and so on, that I don't have time to think about not being married.
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