Line upon Line

For years I have struggled with depression. Even with medicine, exercise and therapy sometimes it still hits hard for no reason at all, especially targeting my self worth. One particular low week I went to the temple feeling very emotional about something I was trying to work through at the time. While praying for comfort and relief, the thought came into my head how much I love my Grandparents, who had since passed, but especially how much I loved them when they were on earth with me.

Right then I offered a prayer, asking Heavenly Father to somehow let them know how much I loved them and how grateful I was to be a part of their heritage and to benefit from their sacrifices. At that moment, I felt a witness in my heart that they already knew this, and that my love for them would be the one thing in my life that would help me during my trials.

Later that night I went to bed a little sad, still unable to shake my dark mood. I dreamt I was with a big part of my extended family in an unknown place in the mountains, and all four of my grandparents were there with me. Even though they looked much younger than I remembered, I knew who they were. Grandma was super funny and kept mugging for the camera (I guess we were taking family photos) and being completely different than I ever remember her since I mostly knew her as stern and serious because of an illness she had later in her life.

I remember thinking how perfect her skin looked. I couldn’t figure out why they were here with me rather than in heaven. Somebody explained that they were told they could come back briefly, but couldn’t stay. When I realized they were leaving to go back to heaven again, Grandpa took me in his arms and hugged me. There was this transfer of intense love like no other for at least a couple of minutes, almost like electricity. In that moment I knew without question how much he loved me and how much I loved him.

I woke up immediately after that and wrote everything down because the feelings were so strong that I didn’t want to forget them. As the day went on though, I started doubting my feelings and rationalizing what I’d seen and felt, assuming it was nothing more than a funny dream. However, a few weeks later I read a talk by Elder Melvin J. Ballard in which he spoke of a dream he once had where the Savior embraced him. Elder Ballard described the experience in these words, “I felt a love so intense that I thought the very marrow of my bones would melt.”

At that moment, the emotions I felt when Grandpa hugged me in my dream came rushing back, almost like a witness. Elder Ballard’s words were the exact words I would have used to describe the love I felt when my grandpa hugged me. That’s when I had no doubt that Grandpa really did somehow send me his love while I was asleep, that Heavenly Father really did send my grandparents the message I’d asked him to send while praying in the temple.

Even now, so many years later, I believe my grandpa wanted to let me know he received my message and then was allowed to send me one of his own. I have no doubt it was a tender mercy sent from Heavenly Father who knew exactly what I needed at a time when I needed it the very most.