I've tried to firmly transition from parent/child to a more friendly, supportive"cheerleader" role with my kids as they become young adults. While I think its foolish to try to be your child's friend when they are young, I feel it is vital to transition as they begin making their own decisions. They know how I feel. When fasting and praying about what to do, a song from "Dan in Real Life" got stuck in my head. "Let my love open the door to your heart." I thought I was letting my mind wander, then I realized that was my answer. A mother's love is powerful. People who are too out of tune to feel Heavenly Father's love can feel His love through me. Love is the key that opens doors. From Tom Christofferson's book, That We May Be One: "Accepting others does not mean that we condone, agree with or conform to their beliefs or choices, but simply that we allow the realities of their lives to be different from our own." And we love them.
Paralee EckmanJanuary 17, 2018
A line in my Patriarchal Blessing has been very helpful, and could pertain to our adult children. "You will be a counselor to your sisters and others who will come to you for guidance and for inspiration." I believe the key words in that sentence are "who will come to you" -- Heavenly Father doesn't actively stop us from making wrong choices! We are trying to learn to be like He is, and I believe that is the key. When we go to Him, we get inspiration, but we don't if we don't go to Him for counsel. Is that how we should be as earthly parents?
JBJanuary 17, 2018
Gary,
As a child not a parent, my observation would be to set the example and live your beliefs. Don't criticize their choices. Maybe try to ask why they are going a certain direction so you understand where they are coming from. As for advice, ask if you can give your two cents and avoid saying what they SHOULD do. If they prefer not to hear it they'll tell you. Ultimately it's how they choose to live.
VLSmithJanuary 17, 2018
Recently asked one of my married daughters if I needed to back off/ give less advice,etc... She said no she didn't feel like it was done in a nagging way and basically that she valued what I share... so grateful for good relationships with my kids! Not perfect but working on it just like you need to work on your marriage...
vickieJanuary 17, 2018
once my children were married, I bowed out of giving them advice about their marriage. I did barge in when it had to do with raising the babies. then as the babies grew older I bowed out and this was with only one of my sons family. the wife did things differently and it scared me. after awhile I let that go. I have 5 kids, one girl and 4 boys. one isn't married yet. basically I just bowed out period because we got old my husband and I and we needed care. we live away from all my kids as they live all over the world. the only way I'm involved ever is if they want advice or I want some advice. we see each other rarely but are in contact on the internet so thank goodness for that. and basically now I feel that we are old and we are the babies lol. my grandkids are growing up and I joke with them and tell them we are the babies now and they can take care of us when we visit them. each one of my kids has found their own way in life and I am amazed at how they have grown and the things they are doing. I thank God for this every day.
Gary BealJanuary 17, 2018
I concur with the general direction of this discussion, but was hoping for something that took it further. What role DO we have with our adult children in terms of counsel and advice? The Pres. Monson story of the boat heading for the waterfall comes to find. Do we stop bearing our testimony to them if they are resistant? Do you stop making observations about behavior that we believe will lead them to sorrow or other negative consequence? While I know that we don't have to agree with our children's choices, what role do we play in initiating disagreement with their choices, such as we might with a friend whom we love, who is making choices that might lead to unintended consequences?
Carol CrilleyJanuary 17, 2018
Recently I had a strong feeling to advise my adult daughter on a matter in her life. It came so strongly that I thought it was truly of the Holy Ghost. I would have felt guilty if I had not shared it. She expressed exactly the perspective you have written. She wasn't angry but didn't take my advice. I felt so hurt as she explained the mother-child relationship in that way was past. She and her husband had made their decision. Your explanation eased my heart. It was so much easier to hear it from you. Isn't that often the way? Thank you.
MaureenJanuary 17, 2018
Of course. All of that is true and fairly obvious to anyone who has been both a child themselves and a parent of grown children. The rub comes when those choices or health, mental or otherwise, necessitate renewal of the physical "support" that sometimes occurs, and a parent is the onky one in a position to give aid. When it is because of poor choices made by adult agency, a parent must be able to weigh in, as any good counselor might, with appropriate suggestions, as well. There are so many gray areas not mentioned in this article.
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LeahJanuary 18, 2018
I've tried to firmly transition from parent/child to a more friendly, supportive"cheerleader" role with my kids as they become young adults. While I think its foolish to try to be your child's friend when they are young, I feel it is vital to transition as they begin making their own decisions. They know how I feel. When fasting and praying about what to do, a song from "Dan in Real Life" got stuck in my head. "Let my love open the door to your heart." I thought I was letting my mind wander, then I realized that was my answer. A mother's love is powerful. People who are too out of tune to feel Heavenly Father's love can feel His love through me. Love is the key that opens doors. From Tom Christofferson's book, That We May Be One: "Accepting others does not mean that we condone, agree with or conform to their beliefs or choices, but simply that we allow the realities of their lives to be different from our own." And we love them.
Paralee EckmanJanuary 17, 2018
A line in my Patriarchal Blessing has been very helpful, and could pertain to our adult children. "You will be a counselor to your sisters and others who will come to you for guidance and for inspiration." I believe the key words in that sentence are "who will come to you" -- Heavenly Father doesn't actively stop us from making wrong choices! We are trying to learn to be like He is, and I believe that is the key. When we go to Him, we get inspiration, but we don't if we don't go to Him for counsel. Is that how we should be as earthly parents?
JBJanuary 17, 2018
Gary, As a child not a parent, my observation would be to set the example and live your beliefs. Don't criticize their choices. Maybe try to ask why they are going a certain direction so you understand where they are coming from. As for advice, ask if you can give your two cents and avoid saying what they SHOULD do. If they prefer not to hear it they'll tell you. Ultimately it's how they choose to live.
VLSmithJanuary 17, 2018
Recently asked one of my married daughters if I needed to back off/ give less advice,etc... She said no she didn't feel like it was done in a nagging way and basically that she valued what I share... so grateful for good relationships with my kids! Not perfect but working on it just like you need to work on your marriage...
vickieJanuary 17, 2018
once my children were married, I bowed out of giving them advice about their marriage. I did barge in when it had to do with raising the babies. then as the babies grew older I bowed out and this was with only one of my sons family. the wife did things differently and it scared me. after awhile I let that go. I have 5 kids, one girl and 4 boys. one isn't married yet. basically I just bowed out period because we got old my husband and I and we needed care. we live away from all my kids as they live all over the world. the only way I'm involved ever is if they want advice or I want some advice. we see each other rarely but are in contact on the internet so thank goodness for that. and basically now I feel that we are old and we are the babies lol. my grandkids are growing up and I joke with them and tell them we are the babies now and they can take care of us when we visit them. each one of my kids has found their own way in life and I am amazed at how they have grown and the things they are doing. I thank God for this every day.
Gary BealJanuary 17, 2018
I concur with the general direction of this discussion, but was hoping for something that took it further. What role DO we have with our adult children in terms of counsel and advice? The Pres. Monson story of the boat heading for the waterfall comes to find. Do we stop bearing our testimony to them if they are resistant? Do you stop making observations about behavior that we believe will lead them to sorrow or other negative consequence? While I know that we don't have to agree with our children's choices, what role do we play in initiating disagreement with their choices, such as we might with a friend whom we love, who is making choices that might lead to unintended consequences?
Carol CrilleyJanuary 17, 2018
Recently I had a strong feeling to advise my adult daughter on a matter in her life. It came so strongly that I thought it was truly of the Holy Ghost. I would have felt guilty if I had not shared it. She expressed exactly the perspective you have written. She wasn't angry but didn't take my advice. I felt so hurt as she explained the mother-child relationship in that way was past. She and her husband had made their decision. Your explanation eased my heart. It was so much easier to hear it from you. Isn't that often the way? Thank you.
MaureenJanuary 17, 2018
Of course. All of that is true and fairly obvious to anyone who has been both a child themselves and a parent of grown children. The rub comes when those choices or health, mental or otherwise, necessitate renewal of the physical "support" that sometimes occurs, and a parent is the onky one in a position to give aid. When it is because of poor choices made by adult agency, a parent must be able to weigh in, as any good counselor might, with appropriate suggestions, as well. There are so many gray areas not mentioned in this article.
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