How to respond when we are feeling overwhelmed or slighted is always a challenge. I especially find it difficult to ask for more help in our home when I feel like I have not taken good care of myself or kept up with my domestic duties as I "should" have, regardless of the reasons. I struggle to balance it out. This zrticle is a good reminder to me of what I need to do BEFORE I reach the angry, bitter stage. I appreciate the other comments with wonderful suggestions as well!
I might have scanned over the comments too quickly, but I didn't notice any reference to anyone wondering what kind of day or week that the husband has been through. The kids might be another matter because they need properly taught and trained.... But, before expecting something particular from the husband.... the husband that is hoping to unwind with his family.... who might be dealing with things like threats of a lay-off or a demotion, a man who desperately needs some mental relief from a particularly stressful week at work.... Just keep giving him the frownie face, the clenched teeth, the pinched lips and the quiet treatment... and you may well be soon dealing with some much more serious problems. Men will tend to spend time where they feel comfortable and wanted. Granted, both the man and the woman need help and support from each other.. but, please remember that a man's nature is to "avoid talking about unpleasant, bad or stressful stuff" when he gets home.... while a woman tends to be more communicative. I guess my main point would be to continually work on friendly, productive communication with your spouse... and forget about trying to train a husband. I think it would be fair to say that while a man might understand tears in his wife's eyes, he won't understand her being hateful.
The first thing my siblings and I would do when we came home from school was to ask: "is mom still mad?" We lived in a cold and bitter home . . . but pretended at Church that we were the very "perfect" Mormon family. I still mourn for the frigid distance between my parents. . . and now between my siblings. There were times that life was good . . . but those times were few and far between the weeks of vile and bitter silence. I know that lost love is lasting.
Hats off to the author!! What a wonderful article. My wife and I are coming up on our 25th anniversary of our 2nd marriage for both of us. This is the happiest time of our lives for both of us. It has taken a lot of work on both our parts to get to where we are today. Good marriages aren't free. We can choose to either give 100% to our spouse.or blame all our sadness and troubles on them and silently brood about how insensitive they are. Nothing works like kindness, to heal the wounded heart and soul. It truly is about the people who've been blessed by what you do - its not about you. That's what our Savior taught.
Why didn't anyone help you clean up the kitchen? Why didn't you suggest Dad make the cookies? Why didn't he offer? Cookie baking is not a "mom" job....cooking and laundry & child care and cleaning are not sex linked traits and everyone should pitch in and help and clean up after themselves more. Especially on a weekend or evening when you should be "off duty" also.... just my perspective after raising 6 sons... I with a husband who pitches in and cooks and helps out and so our sons learned that they should too. And are better husbands today because they learned that they should...
I don't really care for this article. I get the point, but going around labeling other women as "bitter women" based on one encounter seems judgemental. Maybe you could have made your point without putting down women you have never interacted with or talked with? Maybe this comment makes me sound "bitter."
I saw myself in this article, sadly. Pride and the martyr-syndrome make for bitterness and loneliness.
Thanks for the reminder that being bitter is a choice.
Good reminder - I was able to see the point the author was making. We are all in charge of our attitudes. We all have bad days and there are lots of options on how to deal with the issues the woman faced. I know I could definitely do better at letting things go more often than just getting bitter. Sunday drive sounds magical ❤️
My mom struggled with being the bitter woman when I was growing up. She had deep pain from her childhood and she and my Dad had many conflicts, that caused her to react that way. Over the years she learned how to take care of herself, to let go of perfection and accept the messiness of life. The biggest factor that healed her pain and ended the conflicts and helped her over come the habit of being "the bitter woman" was prayer. My Mom lives close to God and studies the scriptures. I can count the times I found her in her closet on her knees after she lost her temper, or after someone hurt her feelings, or when she felt stressed or overwhelmed. I also noticed that the closer she got to God the closer she got to my Dad and the more she relied on him to help out and reassure her when she was mad or stressed. She stopped taking out her stress and anger on us kids and my Dad and instead took it to God first and then got support from her family.
What I would give to have ANY member of the family apologize just once. I would gladly forgive and be happy to forget. Being bitter is a waste of time but it takes longer when you are the only one you have to talk to about it. You are very fortunate to have some one who notices!
The author poses a great question - how should we respond when others are insensitive or take advantage? She teaches a great point.
But I couldn't help but feel that she's being a little too hard on herself. No, as she points out, the answer isn't to lash out in retaliation. But I think there's a nice way to let others know they're pushing you beyond your limits to endure. I think that when those feelings well up inside you that tempt you to lash back that it's time to let others know your feelings - in a kindly way - and hopefully everyone involved can give in a little.
It's quite possible that the woman in the restaurant couldn't control her mood if she had a chemical imbalance. Your description of yourself sounds like a possible imbalance. Aside from that, I like Greg Baer's book, " Real Love In Parenting."
I agree with the article but also feel the woman needs to ask her husband and children to help out more. No, she is not a slave and shouldn't be the sole person cleaning, cooking and taking care of the house while they goof off. The woman should try to be less bitter, yes, but also not allow herself to be a doormat.
Terrie, I agree. Has taken me a long time to not put up with that behaviour and to stand up for me ...let people know their behaviour was not acceptable and I'm not going to have it thrown at me ( cookies, insults about my camera skills , feeling a slave, living with slobs etc ) and to let them know I am hurt and want them to acknowledge it now not 4 hrs after a sulk. I am a cancer so easy to retreat but why postpone the apology!! Get it done and over with quicker.
Let them know I'm not changing my happiness for their ' just a joke comments ' which aren't funny , but sarcastic . and I'm not putting up with it.
Standing up for my happiness !
Loved the article and it made me so homesick for the red rocks and beautiful Temple of St. Georgeb
Oh how it hurts to see yourself described in this article. As I read it, the thought kept coming to my mind to turn a bad situation into a light-hearted moment of laughter but still getting the point across and regaining positive posture. I definitely don't agree that insults or harsh words against me shouldn't be met with a comeback; but I found the best way is to laugh while saying, "You nasty man .. . I'm going to tell.your mother."
I think all women are on display here, especially me. As I was reading this article, the thought of just laugh and make a bad situation light-hearted came to mind. I've endeavored to do just that when I realized how ugly I was as a bitter woman. Thanks for your article.
So very insightful and on point. It breaks my heart that I dare not share it with the bitter woman in my life, for it would give her an excuse to be bitter.
A couple weeks ago I actually had the cookie thing happen to me. But there was a big difference between me and the author of this article--I have a husband who's willing to be a dad. He wanted cookies for himself and the kids, so HE made them (they were delicious!). I feel like most of the things talked about in the article would be non-issues if the husband stepped up. We shouldn't expect them to know how we're feeling, but we can communicate with them. The other night I was overwhelmed and angry. I told my husband. I went to our bedroom and spent some time alone getting myself back together. He stayed with the kids, playing with them and keeping them out of our bedroom.
Why should we as women shoulder everything? If we are married, we have men who could help us. If we want a nap, tell you husband; he can keep the kids quiet while you rest. Messy house got out of hand? Get your kids and husband to help. This also works the other way; if my husband had a bad day at work, he goes and takes a bath or lays down while I keep the kids away. Neither of us should push down our feelings of being overwhelmed, of resentment or bitterness.
I think if this author could have communicated to her family, and he husband stepped up, most of these issues would not have happened.
I'm getting close to 50yrs of marriage in abt 3yrs...I raised 5 kids and many many times I was that bitter woman. however, I was angry but not at my husband or kids. I was angry at having to do so much alone. I read where the woman said she was cleaning up after super and then the kids and father started yelling for cookies and whatever, and I have realized that I have come a long way because to that comment I wouldn't have stomped my and on the table and yelled ...I would have said...wow that sounds great...so dad come into the kitchen and make them please I'm so tired and need a little rest..and thank you for coming up with that idea. yes I have learned when others demand or imagine that we are capable of doing much more then we can do...don't get angry just explain that you do not feel up to par and maybe they can have something easier to fix or something we already have fixed or dad can make it. if the kids are older then they can. then let them respond to that but not to get angry. I guess after many years of therapy I have learned to speak up. I have found that women who feel that way...its because they don't speak up and let others know their limits or their desires. they hold it inside until it finally bursts out. its something that has to be practiced and at first its difficult and clumsy but it will work out...
I was that bitter woman too many times. Sadly, I cannot go back and change any of those times. But I can learn to be a loving, kind, forgiving mother and grandmother NOW. Thank you for an excellent article.
My mother had this problem and now that I'm an adult I don't question why, she had the weight of the whole family on her shoulders. I kept thinking I was going to read about her husband jumping in to help or there being a solution for their poor communication. I see many better solutions for this problem then the women doing it all and just putting a smile on her face.
I feel like this author missed an opportunity to talk about how to communicate with a spouse effectively- learning to communicate our feelings and share the workload as a couple, as an eternal family, is so important! I fear that advice that amounts to 'snap out of it' or 'just get over it' lays a tidy veneer over problems that will fester if they are not dealt with. Being bitter certainly is not ok, but if someone is struggling we need to communicate effectively and work as a family so that everyone is happy with their role. It's hard, it's way more work that just choosing to smile and repress it our emotions, but that is what a celestial relationship looks like.
Charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
Please don't be too hard on yourself for not having perfected charity yet. It is a gift from God, not something we can will ourselves into by denying the very real disappointments that come in life. These emotions may be telling you that your "love bucket" is running low from filling everyone else. Address the real problem. After all we don't blame the smoke alarm for telling us there is a fire.
When I see sour-looking women, I know their souls are in pain. But I also think it's the woman's own fault--not that she has been hurt, but that she didn't immediately say to the person who hurt her, "That wasn't very kind; it hurt my feelings and I would feel better if you would apologize." A woman could also feel not so much like a "slave" to her family if she would lay down some ground-rules and insist upon them--basic rules like "EVERYONE keeps the house clean, PERIOD!", and "You want cookies? Excellent idea! Here's the recipe, and don't forget to clean-up when you're done making them." We women owe it to ourselves to not permit our husbands and children to hurt us by walking all over us, because if we allow them to do it, they will.
My mother was one of those bitter women. I can tell you that it damaged everyone close to her, but especially her. By collecting perceived injuries, she made her life increasingly negative. By the time she was 60, she looked 120. She created a life that was all negative and missed out on so much, because everyone fled from her presence. Anyone who begins to descend in the bitter woman syndrome needs to nip it in the bud fast
I can't thank you enough for your insightful article. I've noticed my lips are pinched far too often. I don't want to be The Bitter Woman.
Awesome article. Thank you.
This was incredible. I bet everyone who reads it will see a little of themselves and commit to being better. Thank you!
Thanks for sharing this insightful experience. Overcoming pride takes so much effort. But the choice to be bitter or better is simple. It has taken me years to learn to choose the better woman.
Wow, had a day and I really needed this reminder. Thanks
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